Crazy Love

About a year ago we began the process of joining a brand new church. It has been incredibly exciting to witness the unfolding of this church and the mission we all feel called to carry out, but it has also been a bittersweet transition. James and I truly felt that we belonged to a family at our previous church (and still consider them family), which is often what happens when you are part of a group of people for so long and share so many facets of your life. Yet, after 10 years, God had begun to plant some seeds of restlessness within us, and we knew that there was something else He had for us to do. We have no doubt at this point that this new thing, our new church home, is where God has called us to be and where He desires to both use and bless us. We have consistently been pushed outside of our comfort zone, which is something both of our faith journeys were in need of - a nudge out of complacency. And we have also consistently been challenged about our relationship with the Lord: is He TRULY the Lord of our lives and if so, how do we respond to Him? How does He affect our lives? I, along with so many Christians I know, struggle with completely surrendering every area of my life and therefore experiencing the deepest possible relationship with God. I allow so many distractions to take precedence. Currently as a church we are beginning together the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and the last couple of weeks have been challenged by our pastor to really consider this love that God has for us: this extravagant, completely out-of-the-ordinary, crazy love and how we respond to it. What I am discovering is startling and difficult to confess, but I feel compelled to do so: I don't know if I have ever REALLY, TRULY experienced the love of God. Shocked yet? I KNOW, intellectually, (and have for as much of my life as I can remember) that God loves me. I BELIEVE His Word and the promises it holds on this count. I have NO DOUBT that He is in my heart and yearns to lavish His love upon me. Yet I think I have constructed walls around my heart that have not allowed me to really EXPERIENCE this love and therefore live it out in the world around me. Walls of obligation, rules, theology, religion, materialism, pride, selfishness, comfort, and comparison. The question comes now, with this realization, what are the steps I take to break down those walls, to truly be flooded with God's love, and to finally live out a life that responds to it with complete gratitude and authenticity?

Does this make ANY sense?

A glimpse of this love I am continually trying to grasp came in the form of a story told in church a couple of weeks back about Dick and Rick Hoyt. This INCREDIBLE father and son have a relationship that is a shining example of the Heavenly Father we have who loves us and will stop at nothing to share our lives, carry us in our weakness, and fulfill our needs. You can read about them in detail here , and you can watch a powerfully moving video about this father's love for his son below. My desperate prayer is that somehow I "may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge". (Eph. 3:18-19a)

Own Me

I love the song playing (at least as of now) here on the ol' blog. It is truth from my own life and really sums up the prayer of my heart these days.

Own Me
Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live.
Many are left half-read, covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I've got a list of laws growing longer everyday,
And if I keep plugging away, maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor seems to be in vain,
And all of my laws just cause me more pain.
So I fall before you in all of my shame.
Ready and willing to be changed.

Own me. Take all that I am.
And heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with your gracious hand.
Break me 'til I'm only yours.
Own me.

Oh you call me daughter, and you take my blame.
And you run to meet me when I cry out your name.
So I fall before you in all of my shame,
Lord, I am willing to be changed.

Own me. Take all that I am.
And heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me by your gracious hand.
Break me 'til I'm only yours.
Own me.

I've come across some other prayers of surrender in recent days also that echo the cry of my heart:

Charles de Foucald, French missionary (1858-1916):
Father, I abandon myself into Your hands; do with me what You will. Whatever You may do, I thank You: I am ready for all, I accept all. Only let Your will be done in me and in all Your creatures - I wish no more than this, Lord.

Betty Scott, missionary and martyr, early-mid 1900's:
Lord, I give up my own plans and purposes, all my own desires, hopes and ambitions, and I accept Thy will for my life. I give up myself, my life, my all, utterly to Thee, to be Thine forever. I hand over to Thy keeping all of my relationships; all the people whom I love are to take second place in my heart. Fill me now and seal me with Thy Spirit. Work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, for me to live is Christ. Amen.

It seems such a slow process, this one of surrender, because my stubborn will succumbs to the trappings of this world rather than to the Lord's perfect plan. It seems every single second needs to be given over in surrender once again. It is frustrating and painful and, ultimately, the greatest reward.

Heavenly Father, Prince of my peace, Lord of my life and my heart, I surrender all to You. Whatever valleys you lead me through or mountains we may scale, I rest in the knowledge of Your rock-solid faithfulness and love. Whatever You plan for me is better than all I could ask or imagine. I surrender to You my family, my friendships, my finances, my wants, my plans, my thoughts, my words, my soul, mind, and body. They are all Yours to be used in worship to Your glorious name.

Surrender

I struggle with this issue. Surrender. Completely giving over to Someone more capable than I, giving up what I think is best or what I know to be most comfortable. As Nancy Leigh DeMoss puts it in her book I am currently reading (see sidebar) "a surrendered life [means to] continually say no to self and yes to God." I am a miserable failure at this. I constantly revert back to relying on my own judgment, senses, feelings, comfort level, desires. In short, my own will. I experience time and again, due to my resistance to surrender, barriers in my fellowship with God, as DeMoss puts it, and I know that I am missing out on the truly abundant life that God has planned for me. The human brain is truly a puzzle. I recognize that things always ALWAYS go better for me and those around me when I am obedient to God's will, yet I still stubbornly refuse to follow it in many instances and choose instead to experience the consequences of my disobedience. I guess it gives me greater empathy for my children and their poor decision-making skills right now. But oh, how I desire to grow beyond the childhood of my spiritual journey.
Father God - Break me. Mold me. It's frightening to pray that knowing how much I don't know about the future and your ways. But I am tired of fear. I lay down my fear at your gracious and loving feet, knowing that any path I choose to take which you have already chosen for me holds nothing but great promise, abundant life, and the secure promise that you are with me.

I have seen my pride pop up in a couple of rather unexpected places these last few months. The first is kind of silly but no less detrimental to my spiritual growth. My driving. I am NEVER in the wrong when I'm behind the wheel. I ALWAYS have the right-of-way and the more important places to be. If I deem someone to be an idiot because they should have merged sooner, you won't see ME letting them in! I find myself tailgating, muttering at, and insulting my fellow drivers. It really is an embarrassment. I can only imagine what kind of message my children are picking up (although, leave it to Jeran, to call out reprimands at me from the back seat. He's keeping me honest!). Truly, though, it's hit me lately how prideful I am when I'm in the driver's seat, thinking only of myself and assuming I know the rules of the road best. Road rage is really only one more step down the path for me the way I'm going.
Another area in which it's quickly becoming apparent I struggle is that of being in need and asking for help. I had a totally humiliating, out-of-the-blue breakdown on the phone with a good friend last month which I initially chalked up to PMS, but upon further reflection I realized that what really brought on the waterworks was the fact that I was calling to ask for help. Had, in fact, already called several people asking for help only to find out they could not. And this had me, for some reason, feeling very vulnerable. My raw reaction to this build-up of vulnerability and emotion shocked me, but I really have to call a spade a spade: pride. It is prideful of me to try to do everything on my own, to enjoy extending help to others but to feel like a weakling when the need is mine. In times of immense stress and overwhelming circumstance (ie: Grayson's birth) I found it easy to ask for and accept assistance, I think, because I felt justified in my need. But in the normal, everyday whirl of life I find that I have a paralyzing fear of taking advantage or even being perceived as taking advantage. That's prideful. That's worrying about others' perceptions and my own image in their eyes rather than just living honestly and openly. It's a slap in the face I think, too, to those who love me and treat me as family. People who selflessly show me and my family love and aren't keeping score (I don't think - haha) of all the times I need to call in a favor. And it's a slap in the face to God, too, who modeled for us sacrificial love, who gave everything to meet our deepest need. Rather than worrying about how much help I need, I should be looking outward to the help I can give. I need to admit that I am not self-sufficient, that I first and foremost depend on the Lord and that he can meet any and all needs through the love and abilities of those He has placed in my life.
And so I continue to struggle with this primary word in my life this year. Humility. It's humbling to see how not humble I am. And I continue to pray that God will open my eyes to where pride manifests itself and that He will break my will and change my heart to be a mirror image of His.

"For a day in Thy courts is better than a thousand outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God, than dwell in the tents of wickedness." Psalm 84:10

"How tempting it is to settle down, get comfortable, and escape - even fleetingly - to a worldly tent." - Cynthia Heald

How easy it is, indeed, to settle into the comfortable places this world offers. Except that, sooner or later, there is so much discomfort involved. There is no lasting peace in complacency, sin, worldly "comforts". How true I have found James 4:7-8 to be in my life:

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you."

I don't believe, even in my times of wandering, that God is ever far from me, but I do experience His presence so much more keenly when I don't push all manner of other things between us.
I have once again found myself in a place of distance from God, a place where I submit much more readily to the world's temptations and my own desires, where my resistance to the devil is low. But as I take even the tiniest step back toward my heavenly Father I immediately begin to feel my discontent replaced with His peace. As I foster once again a hunger and thirst for His righteousness, I am filled. This is God's grace: that despite my constant failure, He would immediately draw near to me when I stumble awkwardly back toward Him.

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6b

So today I pray for the humility to sacrifice my own agenda, to resist the seemingly gratifying temptations of this world, and to dwell at the Lord's threshold.

Peace

I believe one of the truest marks of a believer in Christ, one of the qualities that speaks loudest in today's world, is that of God's peace.
Phil. 4:7 - "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
The world gives no peace. There is war, torture, conflict, selfish ambition, broken politics, debt, impure desire, etc. - the beginning of an endless list. And we've just gotten used to worry and anxiety as a given. So when a person comes along who is not ruled by that worry and anxiety, even in the midst of heartbreakingly difficult circumstances, it is beyond noticeable. It is powerful, captivating, inspiring, and life-changing. People want, nay, are desperate to experience this peace and its Root, even though it is beyond comprehension. And it is beyond our understanding because is not something of this world which is all we know; not something born of our limited, understandable (though, at times, incomprehensible) humanity. Praise the Lord for His gift of peace, promised to us through His Spirit and NOT limited by our human choices, circumstances, or understanding. I continue to pursue it daily.

Continuing the Walk of Humility

Maybe you've been curious (or, perhaps, not :) ) how my whole focus on humility is going so far this year. It's been a struggle, for sure. It's amazing how many corners of my life are infected with pride and how often I don't even put up a fight against it. It's been so valuable, though, to grow more conscious of this and to submit this area of my life in particular to God through prayer.
This week I was studying Philippians 2:1-11. Among other things, this passage spells out what our attitude should be, namely, that of Christ Jesus. If there was ever a person to have just cause for a sense of pride, for passing judgment, for championing self "rights" it was him - the King of the universe. But he didn't. He let all of that go. He limited himself to a state of humanity and, therefore, humility. He came to serve, not control. Love, not punish. Rescue, not condemn. And he desired for those of us who follow him to do the same. As Paul explains in Philippians: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also the interests of others." (vs. 3-4) How often do we operate under our own wants, desires, comfort? How easy is it to justify our perceived entitlement? It goes against the very grain of our human nature to put others first. Yet if we desire to witness unity and peace, it begins with ourselves. Our humility. Seeing others as worthy of preferential treatment and sacrificing our selfishness and vanity.
I have such a long way to go. But everyday I thank God for opening my eyes to this part of myself and ask him for the strength to kill this part of my sinful nature, replacing it more and more with His likeness.

Chains for Christ

Having never been incarcerated, enslaved, or in any other way physically restricted or imprisoned, I have often found it difficult to fully relate to Paul's predicament during which he wrote his letter to the Philippians. I mean, intellectually I get that he was in prison many times in his life and that this, for lack of a more eloquent term, sucks. Particularly during that time in the world's history when human rights weren't necessarily considered a given. But I think imprisonment could also be relatable in that it is figurative as well. Circumstances such as poverty, depression, illness, persecution - any number of evil things we face in this fallen world can trap us and threaten to break our spirit. So it is striking to read Philippians, then, in this light and see how in-line Paul's priorities are. His #1 concern is that the love of Christ is shown and the gospel of hope preached. He goes so far as to say, " Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel...and I will continue to rejoice." (Phil. 1:12, 18). Whatever the physical situation in his life, he understands that God can use them for His purposes and for the advancement of His name and glory, and this is his primary focus and joy.
Verse 12 stopped me in my tracks as I read it today. I asked myself, "Could I really be ok with ANYTHING happening to me, so long as it advanced the gospel?" The gut-wrenchingly honest answer to this question, in theory, is NO. I can't look down the road and say I would be ok with a terminal illness, decrease in income, something happening to one of my children, etc. etc. But in reality, who knows how I would respond in any of these or a number of other painful situations? I do know that, more and more, I realize the only good thing there is in this world is the love of Christ and the hope of salvation and eternity He gives. I know that everything in this world is touched by sin and is therefore fallen and full of pain. And so I surmise that I would cling to Him solely in the midst of any crisis. But, in the good and the bad, am I solely focused on Christ's love being shown and His message spread? Is that a priority for me? And can I look at the brokenness that is and will surely continue to come in my life as one of many platforms that can be used for God's glory? It is my prayer and desire that these things would be true of me. That I would always, ALWAYS "conduct [myself] in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ" (vs. 27) and would truly believe and live in such a way that "to live is Christ and to die is gain"(vs. 21).

The Prodigal God

Though I rarely finish a book and don't at least REALLY like it, there are few that I would categorize as "life changing". Within that short list are the Bible, The Shack, and, most recently, The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller.
I don't have a birthdate, per se, for becoming a Christian. As far back as I can remember I have attended church, prayed within my home, been taught right and wrong, and believed that Jesus Christ came to this earth and died to pay the price for my sins. What I've never grasped, until I read this book, was exactly how high that price really was and what that says about the God I serve that I've always claimed to know. Even more, I was given a glimpse into who I am at my most basic, human level. Pretty wild and scary stuff.


If you are at all familiar with the Bible, you are probably familiar with the story of the prodigal son. Selfishly arrogant son asks Father for his share of the inheritance, leaves home and squanders said inheritance, skulks home starving and broken only to be unexpectedly received back into the loving arms of dad who proceeds to throw a really happening fiesta to celebrate. A beautiful picture of how God wants to welcome home all of his wayward children, right? Yes, but there's more to this story than meets the eye, as pointed out by Mr. Keller. What is overlooked is that there are actually two brothers rebelling against the father here. The obvious one is the child who left home and lived against his father's wishes, squandering what he had been given. The less obvious rebellion is that of the elder brother. While he sticks close to home, obedient to his father's commands, fulfilling all the obligations he feels are expected of him, his heart is still rooted in a place of selfishness. He is living out of duty, looking after his reputation and living for what he can get from his father - namely, his inheritance.


The title of the book comes from the meaning of the word, prodigal: to spend recklessly, until you have nothing left. God gave ALL that he had to reconcile His fallen creation, man, back to himself. "His reckless grace is our greatest hope." And who exactly was that sacrifice made for? Not just the overtly sinful, rebellious "younger brothers" of this world, but also those of us "elder brothers" - Pharisees in Jesus' day. Today it would be, well, me, for example. Who has always gone around following all the "shoulds", doing what I imagined was the right thing, dutifully obedient to good moral laws, even those laid out in the Bible. All the while judging the younger brothers of this world who just weren't as good. My heart attitude (and that of many of us in the church today) is to assume that if we follow the path of moral conformity, we are following Christ. But, as Timothy Keller so aptly says, " [We] can rebel against God and be alienated from Him either by breaking His rules or by keeping all of them diligently." By doing the latter, we try to become our own Savior and Lord, effectively saying we don't need God's free grace. The rules are enough.


Here is where I was hit deepest: "Religion operates on the principle that 'I obey - therefore I am accepted by God.' The basic operating principle of the gospel is 'I am accepted by God through the work of Jesus Christ -therefore, I obey." God's gift of grace is, yes, free. But not for Him. For Him it cost everything. He came and "[experienced] the exile that we deserve ". I have been living a life of "shoulds" - doing all the things that I believe God expects of a "good Christian". But all the while my heart has been in the entirely wrong place. A Pharisaical place. Now I desire to live each day, each moment in the light of the grace and love that I never fully understood before. I deeply desire for God to grow within my awakened heart the passion to bring His true message - that of hope and grace, love and acceptance - to all those who cross my path and don't yet know it.

So what does that look like? According to Keller "Behavioral compliance to rules without heart change will be superficial and fleeting." You know how we in the Christian circles are always bemoaning the fact that we constantly backslide in our walk with the Lord? How we can't seem to hang onto lasting change? I believe this is at the root of it. We are not truly grasping this grace that bought our freedom. This is where I have always grown stuck: "You cannot change such things through mere willpower, through learning Biblical principles and trying to carry them out. We can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts. We must feed on the gospel, as it were, digesting it and making it part of ourselves."
Martin Luther says that even after you are converted by the gospel your heart will go back to operating on other principles unless you deliberately, repeatedly set it to gospel-mode. That being, living a life that responds to God's love for me. Living out of thankfulness and not duty. Immersing myself in His word so that I know Him more fully and can respond authentically.

Humiliation. Derived from the world humility or humble. See here .

I Know You're Calling ~ Jeremy Camp
A broken image is sometimes what I see
But the hand that made me, is the hand that won't leave me.
You've begun a good work that only has begun
And you always lead me, lead me to your Son.
What to know, everything you are; what to see, your will for me
And I know you'll show me

And I know you're calling,
And I see your arms stretched wide
And I feel you drawing, drawing me back again.

Another day, that I can spend with you,
You turn the pages, telling me what to do.
And when I feel like I went too far again,
you always lead me me, you lead me to your hand.
What to know, everything you are; what to see, your will for me
And I know you'll show me

And I know you're calling,
And I see your arms stretched wide
And I feel you drawing, drawing me back again.

I know I want everything that you want for me
Help me to understand your ways.
I know I want everything that you want for me today

Lent

For several years I have observed (or tried to, anyway) the season of Lent, which I found pretty nicely summarized here .
What pulls on my heart about this season in the church are summed up in the words sacrifice and preparation. The 40 days of Lent (not counting Sundays) parallel Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness when he sacrificed the comforts of this world to commune with his heavenly Father. Not only that. He went on to sacrifice his pride, his fears, his very life on our behalf. And so it seems appropriate during this time, as I reflect on these things that my Savior did for me, to also sacrifice. In choosing this sacrificial act that lasts the allotted 40 days, I always try to choose something that I feel takes my focus off of God. A misplaced affection. An idol, if you will. I've done everything from television to soda. Lately I feel that technology sucks up a lot of time when I could be sitting at the feet of my Heavenly Father, listening to and learning from Him. Rather than carving out time for Him I still fall into the habit of carving out time for my Facebook friends. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with our technological conveniences. I just know that we make time for what's important in our lives, and I still see moments in my day that could be better devoted to my Lord that I instead give away to the internet. This goes for my family too. I'd like to spend more quality time with them both in recreation and devotion.

And so I announce my fast from my computer. In a limited sense. Hear me out. I don't believe that a complete and total break from technology is going to guide my heart in the right way. I think that would actual turn out to be a bigger distraction. Rather, I am setting limits on that time, allotting only a given time each day in which to check email, respond on Facebook, etc. You get the gist. Rather than giving Jesus my leftover moments I am now going to give those to you. Sorry. I will not be at the beck and call of my inbox nor status updates nor that tidbit about my family that I just have to blog about. I'll still be checking in on all these things, mind you, but on a far more limited basis. So don't think I'm ignoring you. I'm just a little more delayed. Preparing myself for the great celebration that is Easter by pulling away from the trappings of this world, as Jesus did in the wilderness. Turning my focus on the true reason for living rather than the one I've created.

So....a blessed Lenten season to you. I'll be seeing you sometime in the next 40 days. Or not.

I am continuing to wait on the Lord and His perfect timing in my life and was once again directed to Prov. 3:5-6. In my devotional it was pointed out that this verse asks that I trust the Lord with ALL my heart which means that "there is no room for bargaining for what I think is best - only implicit confidence and patience in His plan". And I know it is the best plan. Therefore I wait and pray. Along with this, the Lord gave me more insight into his character through my reading of Psalm 18. In verses 30 - 36 I read these words of comfort:
"As for God, his way is perfect.
All the Lord's promises prove true. (I LOVE this reassurance!)
He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
For who is God except the Lord?
Who but our God a solid rock?
God arms me with strength;
he has made my way safe.
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
leading me safely along the mountain heights.
He prepares me for battle;
he strengthens me to draw a
bow of bronze.
You have given me the shield of your salvation.
Your right hand supports me;
your gentleness has made me great.
You have made a wide path for my feet
to keep them from slipping."

What an awesome God that He would not leave us alone in this world to do the hard work! He comes alongside us, equips us, protects us, and prepares our way.

More waiting

God continues to speak to my heart about this issue of waiting on and trusting in Him. This comes once again from my devotional Becoming a Woman Who Walks With God. Just a few quotes that reminded me of God's sovereignty and brought me His peace as I wait on some answers to prayer:

Psalm 37:7 "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

"How I need to remember that my timing may not be God's timing. He alone knows when and what will best accomplish His purposes.
He tells us to rest - to be calm and peaceful; and to wait - to anticipate, to count upon, to watch for Him."

"It is our duty and privilege to wait upon the Lord in service, in worship, in expectancy, in trust all the days of our life. Our faith will be a tried faith, and if it be of the true kind, it will bear continued trial without yielding. We shall not grow weary of waiting upon God if we remember how long and how graciously He once waited for us." - Charles Spurgeon

Pruning

I love the fact that God works in ALL circumstances for our good. What hope springs from that! Especially knowing that when I screw up (I screw up? Shocking, I know) He can still use my mistakes for His purpose and glory. Amazing. I love the picture of Jesus as the vine that is found in John 15:5 and how we are the branches connected to this source of life and power. But with that comes the issue of pruning. Just as the branch must be pruned from all that would work to sap its strength, so our life and character must be pruned to bring out the best of Christ in us. In my devotional today the author touched on this topic and how God uses this act of pruning in our lives to more completely manifest in us the fruit of His Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). I see Him doing this for me right now in the areas of parenting and financial strain. These experiences are challenging and often times painful, and they cause me more than anything else right now to turn to the Lord. And I believe that, especially in the area of patience right now, He is pruning me through them.

My thought for the day on humility: Matthew 11:28-30: "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light."
I desire for God to prune my pride as well, that I might be gentle and humble, as Christ himself was.

Following vs. Leading

I will readily admit that I am a follower rather than a leader. Always have been. For better and for worse. Why is it, then, that when it comes to following God's direction I fail so miserably? Conflicting with this follower part of my personality is my incessant need to have a plan. So while it should be easy for me to just up and follow where God would have me go and to do what he would have me do, I often don't take the time to wait for His best for me simply because I have to know NOW. I tend to run on ahead and make my plans because for a split second it makes me feel better to know I have a direction. What I don't take into account is that God's direction is so much better than what I could plot out for myself.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

In my devotional today by Cynthia Heald this was exactly the topic. "How often," she asks, "do we take the time to be assured of God's leadership, direction, and presence as we go on our way?" Also, she says, "Too often I mistakenly think that I don't have time to wait for the Lord's guidance." That is so me! I want to run on ahead of him because I'm too impaitent or anxious to wait for what he would have me do.

With some big decisions looming on the horizon and some anxiety that I been feeling, I am challenged anew to stop, wait, and follow.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Humility

As I seek to learn more about and live this idea of humility, God speaks to my heart each and every day. I find that where I fall most short is in feeling pride about areas in which, supposedly, I am doing so great. Even as I draw nearer to God on this daily spiritual journey, sense His presence more acutely in my life, see areas where finally I am submitting to Him and not following my own way, I mar these things with my sudden puffed-up sense of, "Well, look at me! Finally pulled it together after all these years!" And the truth is, it's not me at all. It's simply God fulfilling His promises and granting me His grace and fellowship.
Recently I felt this puffing up while thinking about sin. While I've had many conversations about and have claimed to understand that all sin is equal in God's eyes, I've still gone around thinking that those who are committing those really "obvious", horrifying sins (you know, adultery, murder and the like) were much worse off than I am. And through some wise words by my husband, followed by a reminder in Scripture, I see that, truly, we ALL fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) and are therefore ALL punishable by the ultimate penalty, death. Yet we are "justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:24). Therefore the sins that I daily commit (and, oh, do I...sigh) are no different, in the end, than those that might be seen as worse in the world's eyes.
I desire to follow the example of Christ Jesus "who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant...He HUMBLED himself..." (Phil. 2:6-7)

"To think of oneself as nothing, and always to think well and highly of others is the best and most perfect wisdom. Wherefore, if you see another sin openly or commit a serious crime, do not consider yourself better, for you do not know how long you can remain in good estate. All men are frail, but you must admit that none is more frail than yourself." -Thomas a Kempis

"He who follows me walks not in darkness," John 8:12

"It is not learning that makes a man holy and just, but a virtuous life makes him pleasing to God. I would rather feel contrition than know how to define it. For what would it profit us to know the whole Bible by heart and the principles of all the philosophers, if we live without grace and the love of God? Vanity of vanities and all is vanity, except to love God and serve Him alone." - Thomas a Kempis

Getting it

My passage from Matthew today was verses 8:18-34. Go ahead, look it up. I'll wait...........

Reading these verses caused me to question whether or not I really get this Jesus I claim to serve. Part of the story is about the disciples and Jesus being in the boat during the storm which He calms with but a word of rebuke. I don't know how long the disciples had been with Him at this point but long enough to have heard the truth and authority of his teaching. Long enough, in my opinion, to have not much doubt left about who they were following and serving. Yet their question to each other following this event is, "Who is this?" But as I scoffed to myself at their denseness, I was quickly pulled up short by the thought that I don't know if I really know Him as I claim to either. In the earlier part of the passage Jesus has people desiring to follow Him, one of whom asks if he can just go and bury his father, then join the group. Jesus tells him to follow NOW. "Let the spiritually dead care for their own dead," He says. What? Certainly the Jesus I know and love would allow me to mourn the man who has raised me before leaving my family and home. Certainly he would not ask me to turn my back on those I have known and loved my whole life, right? RIGHT? What if Jesus is not who I have always painted him to be? What if all of my presuppositions and assumptions are completely wrong? I believe I have done an awful lot of creating of Him to be in my image rather than the other way around. I have fit him neatly into my life, culture, and comfort zone rather than truly looking at who the Bible says he was and IS. I always talk about Him as being so counter-cultural and how right-on that is, but do I really GET it? What that means? The sacrifice that following Him truly requires? I don't think I do. I think he is starting to open my mind to it and to show me. And I desperately desire to get Him. I know I have accepted Him and His salvation and therefore represent Him in my words and deeds. And I want to accurately do that. This is where that whole humility factor comes in. Admitting that my picture of Jesus may have been inaccurate all these years, that there's more to Him than I've ever set out to discover. And so I set out to discover it.

Oh where, oh where have my little plans gone?

I'm such a planner, as many of you know. I love a solid schedule, knowing what's coming, keeping organized (though some of that has definitely fallen by the wayside with three kids in the mix). Having these God-given parts to my personality has a down side. It's very difficult for me to face an unknown future, to know that all the little (or big) plans I've got in the works could mean nothing if they are not in line with what God has in mind for me. James and I are wrestling with future decisions and don't feel we have grasped God's vision for our life in these areas yet. I feel on the brink of insight but am not there, so we prayerfully continue to submit ourselves to God's will. While spending time in the Word this afternoon, I read Proverbs 3:5-6 which is a passage close to my heart as it is the one James and I selected as our "life verses", so to speak. James's dad expounded upon them at our wedding, and we had them engraved in our wedding bands (the reference, not the actual verses. That would be one big ring of gold).
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."
What comfort! To know that my job is to trust God, and it is His job to do the steering on this ship. I don't need to know what's coming, I just need to know that He is good and knows the plans He has for me! While I can still find some satisfaction in my list-making, schedule-creating, calendar filling-in, it is important for me to remember that I must submit to/acknowledge the Lord in all of these plans and trust the path He has me on.

God really has a cool way of pointing me to what he wants to teach me in a way that leaves no doubt in my mind. Remember how, in my last post, I had been reading in Matthew 6 about worry? The verse that my devotional focused on this morning was, you guessed it, found in Matthew 6. Verse 34, to be exact: "Don't worry at all then about tomorrow. Tomorrow can take care of itself!..."
I stopped in my tracks immediately upon reading those words, reflecting on the fact that this verse has come into my life multiple times in the past couple of days. What is it I'm worried about? I had to ask myself. Almost always the answer to this question is money. Not that we won't have enough today, but that we won't have enough next month or the month after that. And where does thinking like that leave me? Nowhere healthy. We have always been blessed with all our material needs each day that we need them. I sometimes feel a little bit of anxiety about the future: where we'll end up living, what I'll do for a job, where to send the kids to school, will our house ever sell when we decide to put it back on the market again? For some reason, these big events I find easier to lay down at God's feet and walk away from. He knows exactly those plans that He has for us, and I'm confident He will clearly open the doors He desires for us to walk through. Anyway, that's a short story made long there. God is commanding me not to worry. Not about tomorrow. Not even about today. He asks me to be anxious for nothing, to cast my cares upon Him, who is abundantly capable of working out all things for "those who love him and are called according to his purpose."

Today I also read the account of Abraham and how God "tested [his] faith and obedience." (Gen. 22:1). I've always read this story between the lines, so to speak. At the age of 100 Abraham at long last becomes a father, and a few years later God demands his son back. By way of sacrifice, no less. I cannot imagine, especially now as a mother, the amount of prayerful pleading, hand-wringing, sobbing that must have taken place on Abraham's account. How sleep-deprived and haggard he must have appeared to his son and the servants accompanying them on this ominous journey. Of course, we aren't told Abraham's state of mind in all this. It's left up to speculation. Or is it? Nowhere in Genesis 22 does it tell us how devastated Abraham was. Maybe that's because he wasn't! This was a man who faithfully walked, talked, and even argued with God. He has seen God bring about marvelous, miraculous wonders. Perhaps Abraham's faith was already so great that he immediately saw through this test. After all, hadn't God covenantly promised to make great nations from his descendants? How can there be descendants with no son? (Ishmael notwithstanding.) So perhaps he started out on this journey to Moriah with a downright jaunty step. Perhaps when he answers Isaac's query about the missing sacrificial lamb: "God will provide a lamb, my son", he truly belives this. I found today that I would like to think this is the case because that is the level of faith I desire to have. Whatever God demands of me, that I would do it without hesitation, knowing that he has absolutely the best-laid plans waiting for me and will be faithful to keep his promises.

I do have to wonder though (doing that between the lines thing again) whether a twinge of discomfort, doubt, panic, even, entered Abraham as he lifted his son onto a wood-laden altar and tied him there (and I can't imagine Isaac took that quietly). Were there beads of sweat and a desperate prayer lacing his brow as he lifted his knife? Again, we are left to speculate. All I know is that Abraham was tested and was not found wanting, and God rewarded him powerfully for that. Oh Lord, that I would someday face you and hear you say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Back to the Bible

I am all for a good devotional. I believe God has gifted people with the ability to clearly discern his words and will and to speak truth about Himself and His Word. I think they are a wonderful way to focus our thoughts on what living out this Christian life looks like, and I have gained a mountain of knowledge through reading and studying what other Christians have written. However, lately I have felt challenged about how much of my time I'm spending looking at God's Word and how much time with others'. I am currently so blessed by the devotional I'm reading but have also gone back to a Bible-reading "program" (that word sounds awfully stingy for something as wonderful as the Bible) that I have utilized in the past. I have a Bible organized by a ministry entitled "Change Your Life Resources" that I bought at a women's conference close to 10 years ago. For each day of the year it has an Old Testament selection, New Testament selection, Psalm, and Proverb or two, therefore allowing for a reading through of the entire Bible in a year. I can't say that I have ever read the Bible straight through, even with having this great resource in my possession. But I feel convicted anew that the real strength for my daily journey lies in the Words of our Lord himself and so have added this once again to my time of daily quiet.
Here are a few excerpts that I feel God pointed out to me:
Genesis 18:16-33 - Abraham converses with the Lord (face to face!!! That always stuns me) about the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah and continues to ask God whether he'll destroy these towns if 30...20...10 faithful people are found within their walls. I was struck by how patient and merciful the Lord is in these verses. If Abraham was my kid I would blow my top the second or third time he challenged me. "What is your DEAL? I'm the one in charge here! Don't push it kid." (Not that ANY of these statements has ever come out of my mouth with my actual kids. Ahem.) However, God continues to concede to Abraham's request, and the text does not betray an ounce of frustration or eye-rolling on His part. It's clear he not only loves Abraham as his chosen one but desires to spare those faithful ones of His from the same fate as those who have chosen to spit in His face.

Matthew 6:25 and 32-34 These verses consistently challenge me to reexamine my priorities and to STOP WORRYING as it cannot "add a single moment to [my] life".

Proverbs 2:6-15 I am particularly finding lately that I desire so much God's good sense and the knowledge of what is right, just, and fair. I desire to be a woman of God's wisdom, not the world's and certainly not my own.

Choosing to Abide

"Mary...was listening to the Lord's word, seated at his feet. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him, and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me." Luke 10:39-40

My first instinct in the rare quiet moments of my life is to try to play catch up. Catch up on reading, email, the state of my home. Today, however, rather than tackling the chaos that is currently my living environment, I obeyed the Holy Spirit's pull on my heart to attend to the much more important "task" of reading God's word and communicating with Him. Which made today's devotions all the more poignant.
Choosing to abide in the Lord is just that. A choice. With so many things pulling on my time, I need to recognize that there is no more important thing than to carve out time in the day for reconnecting with and solely focusing on the Lord and His will for me. God is showing me that I do, indeed, have moments in my day for Him, if I will simply choose them. Cynthia Heald, the author of my current devotional, writes these words about Martha:
"[Jesus responds to Martha (in Luke 10)] by encouraging her to realize that she can lay aside her tense preoccupation with tasks. He gives her the freedom to be concerned only with what is best, with what is eternal."
Oh how I can relate to these words! "Preoccupation with tasks" - yes! I am the ultimate task-master! I only feel accomplishment if I am crossing things off my list. Emphasis on MY. But how much more full and satisfied and at peace I have felt when instead I have put my emphasis on the Lord's word rather than my own lately.
"Like Martha, we are called to change our center of attention from ourselves to Jesus."
I am ready to do this. Fulfilling my own wishes, needs, desires every moment of the day has given me no satisfaction. Spending time with the Lord and discovering how HE wants me to spend my day has reaped infinitely greater blessings in even the SHORT amount of time I have been choosing it.
"Fellowship with [the Lord] is a matter of priorities. A matter of choice. It's the better part of the meal life has to offer. It is, in fact, the main course." - Ken Gire

The meaning of life

"By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked." I John 2:5-6

It has come to my attention that the world does not revolve around me. Startling, isn't it? Even more earth-shattering is the fact that my own life doesn't even revolve around me. My sole purpose in life, as God has finally beat into my 32-year-old brain, is this: In all ways to become like Christ and to bring glory to my loving Father. That's it! That's what it all boils down to. How different my daily choices would be if I would just live by this each and every day! Which it is my desire to do. And this involves continually abiding in Christ. What does this mean exactly? I'm about to find out. My mom blessed me with a devotional for Christmas entitled "Becoming a Woman Who Walks With God" by Cynthia Heald. Her insight has already resonated deeply with me:
"To walk with the Lord is to be with Him consistently, to go with Him where He wants me to go, to let Him set the pace, and to delight in His companionship above all others."
How many daily issues for me does this address? Loneliness, waiting for the future to unfold, discipline, consistency. The list could go on.
I close today's thoughts with this prayer by A.W. Tozer which so stunningly speaks my heart:
O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Thoughts on grace and love

I am just finishing up reading the book Aaron's Way: The Journey of a Strong-Willed Child by Kendra Smiley. (Check my literary blog (here) for a synopsis of this book sometime in the near future). Today, through the words of other godly men and women, God has hit me between the eyes. A few ideas to chew on:
- Grace is the good pleasure of God that inclines to bestow benefits upon the undeserving. A.W. Tozer
- It is God's grace that enables us to be authentic and forgiven despite the fact that our lives have been fault-filled. Never underestimate the power of grace in your own life, the life of your strong-willed child, or the lives of those you intersect. Kendra Smiley
- Nothing we can do will make the Father love us less; nothing we do can make Him love us more. He loves us unconditionally with an everlasting love. All He asks of us is that we respond to Him with the free will He has given us. Nancie Carmichael
- If we love people, we will see them as God intends them to be. Florence Littauer

There are so many applications I see in here for my own life today, but for now I will just let the quotes speak for themselves.

A word for the year

One of my favorite books from which I learn something each time I read it (which is repeatedly) is "Listening for God" by Marilyn Hontz. As 2010 approaches I am reminded of something I read in her book about which I have been praying the latter part of this year. She writes the following in her book:

"[A friend] once encouraged me to spend time asking the Lord to give me a word or phrase that he would like to work on with me throughout the year... Every September I ask the Lord for the word or phrase that he would like me to work on the following year. Several ideas usually pop into my head right away. However, after I take time to wait on him, he always clarifies the word or phrase he desires. By January 1, I have a new word for the year, and it is always specifically for me."

This resonated with me, and I have been praying in recent months for that one word for 2010. I feel God has led me to the word "humility". Pride is a huge vice in my life and takes many different forms: self-righteous justification of my agenda, inability to admit wrong-doing and/or apologize for my errors, my sense of entitlement, wanting what I want when I want it, or just plain thinking I'm better than others whether I'm willing to admit it in so many words or not. I feel God is asking me to look at what His word says about humility, to look at how Jesus Christ lived and died according to this trait, and to repent of pride, turning to live a humble life. Here's the catch: I believe satan often makes me feel prideful about those times when I operate under humility. There are so many thousands of little ways he can play out pride in my life. So I prayerfully submit to what God wants to teach me this year about humility. And who knows, you may even read updates from time to time about where this path is taking me.

Happy 2010!