On the lighter side

Too much serious thinking isn't good for anybody. These were sent to me and I got a huge chuckle out of them, so I thought I'd share. Cheers!

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

**Word on the street is that these were actually printed in bulletins. :)

Trials

I just finished reading the most amazing story: In the Presence of My Enemies. It's the story of Martin and Gracia Burnham, missionaries in the Philippines, who were kidnapped by the Abu Sayyaf (extremist Muslim group) in 2001 and were held hostage for a year. The tale of what they had to endure is of course, unthinkable, but what is so amazing about the story is the faith with which Martin and Gracia faced this unthinkable situation. Naturally, there were times in that year when they faced a crisis of faith, wondering where God was in the midst of this situation and what he was doing. But they way they continually turned to Him, time and again, daily, moment-by-moment...... it is inspiring, which, to put it that way almost minimizes it.
Why is it that we must face a trial in our lives, a crisis of faith if you will, before we will truly turn to the Lord and acknowlege Him as Lord of our lives: of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even Gracia talks about how quickly she felt her attitudes and reliance on prayer changing as soon as she was back on safe ground. It seems so inevitable that when we're comfortable, we simply do not sense our need for the Lord and therefore do not work at that relationship. I was so challenged through this book to pursue God passionately, to pray about EVERYTHING, all the time. The Burnhams' story is tough to take, though. It begs that scary and unanswerable question: why? Why does the story end the way it does? Why did God not deliver them sooner? I was left so unsettled, until this passage was pointed out: Deut. 29:29 "The secret things belong to the Lord our God" and Isaiah 55:8 & 9 - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." This would all be infuriating if it didn't bring such....you got it.....peace. Why do we run ourselves ragged trying to know all the ins and outs of every single stinking situation in our lives! Our puny, human brains cannot even begin to comprehend the big picture the way God can. I believe God wants us to ask the hard questions, but I do not believe that "Why" is one of them. Our peace needs to come from knowing that we are not in charge and don't have to be, that we are on a need to know basis and sometimes we just do not need to know. I hope this knowledge is stored in my heart for when I need it b/c, let's face it, I have faced very small crisis' in my life (well, small in the grand scheme of things). There will come a day when, although I doubt I will have to survive a year in the jungle as a Muslim hostage, I will indeed have to face pain, difficulty, the valleys of life. And when the rubber meets the road, do I have what it takes to rely on no one but the Lord to pull me through? The crappy part of that question is that the answer can only come when you're thrust onto the battlefield.
I re-read my question above: Why must we face a crisis of faith before we truly turn to the Lord? and I think of the analogy of refined silver or gold. I found this story that sums it up:
There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came cross verse three which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what his statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week this woman called up a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot -- then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."

In order for us to be purified we must be subjected to some of the hottest flames. Sometimes when we are just lumps sitting around we're not forced to get rid of some of those impurities. In a way, it almost takes more work to be refined without the flames and having anything pushing us to change.
Anyway, this is all probably very easy for me to expound upon since any fires in my life are currently smoldering embers, not enough to get me bubbling and expanding. I pray, Lord, for the strength to step out of my comfort zone each day and walk more in your holy ways. Grow in me the Fruit of your Spirit through my daily walk through this life.