I have seen my pride pop up in a couple of rather unexpected places these last few months. The first is kind of silly but no less detrimental to my spiritual growth. My driving. I am NEVER in the wrong when I'm behind the wheel. I ALWAYS have the right-of-way and the more important places to be. If I deem someone to be an idiot because they should have merged sooner, you won't see ME letting them in! I find myself tailgating, muttering at, and insulting my fellow drivers. It really is an embarrassment. I can only imagine what kind of message my children are picking up (although, leave it to Jeran, to call out reprimands at me from the back seat. He's keeping me honest!). Truly, though, it's hit me lately how prideful I am when I'm in the driver's seat, thinking only of myself and assuming I know the rules of the road best. Road rage is really only one more step down the path for me the way I'm going.
Another area in which it's quickly becoming apparent I struggle is that of being in need and asking for help. I had a totally humiliating, out-of-the-blue breakdown on the phone with a good friend last month which I initially chalked up to PMS, but upon further reflection I realized that what really brought on the waterworks was the fact that I was calling to ask for help. Had, in fact, already called several people asking for help only to find out they could not. And this had me, for some reason, feeling very vulnerable. My raw reaction to this build-up of vulnerability and emotion shocked me, but I really have to call a spade a spade: pride. It is prideful of me to try to do everything on my own, to enjoy extending help to others but to feel like a weakling when the need is mine. In times of immense stress and overwhelming circumstance (ie: Grayson's birth) I found it easy to ask for and accept assistance, I think, because I felt justified in my need. But in the normal, everyday whirl of life I find that I have a paralyzing fear of taking advantage or even being perceived as taking advantage. That's prideful. That's worrying about others' perceptions and my own image in their eyes rather than just living honestly and openly. It's a slap in the face I think, too, to those who love me and treat me as family. People who selflessly show me and my family love and aren't keeping score (I don't think - haha) of all the times I need to call in a favor. And it's a slap in the face to God, too, who modeled for us sacrificial love, who gave everything to meet our deepest need. Rather than worrying about how much help I need, I should be looking outward to the help I can give. I need to admit that I am not self-sufficient, that I first and foremost depend on the Lord and that he can meet any and all needs through the love and abilities of those He has placed in my life.
And so I continue to struggle with this primary word in my life this year. Humility. It's humbling to see how not humble I am. And I continue to pray that God will open my eyes to where pride manifests itself and that He will break my will and change my heart to be a mirror image of His.