More waiting

God continues to speak to my heart about this issue of waiting on and trusting in Him. This comes once again from my devotional Becoming a Woman Who Walks With God. Just a few quotes that reminded me of God's sovereignty and brought me His peace as I wait on some answers to prayer:

Psalm 37:7 "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

"How I need to remember that my timing may not be God's timing. He alone knows when and what will best accomplish His purposes.
He tells us to rest - to be calm and peaceful; and to wait - to anticipate, to count upon, to watch for Him."

"It is our duty and privilege to wait upon the Lord in service, in worship, in expectancy, in trust all the days of our life. Our faith will be a tried faith, and if it be of the true kind, it will bear continued trial without yielding. We shall not grow weary of waiting upon God if we remember how long and how graciously He once waited for us." - Charles Spurgeon

Pruning

I love the fact that God works in ALL circumstances for our good. What hope springs from that! Especially knowing that when I screw up (I screw up? Shocking, I know) He can still use my mistakes for His purpose and glory. Amazing. I love the picture of Jesus as the vine that is found in John 15:5 and how we are the branches connected to this source of life and power. But with that comes the issue of pruning. Just as the branch must be pruned from all that would work to sap its strength, so our life and character must be pruned to bring out the best of Christ in us. In my devotional today the author touched on this topic and how God uses this act of pruning in our lives to more completely manifest in us the fruit of His Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). I see Him doing this for me right now in the areas of parenting and financial strain. These experiences are challenging and often times painful, and they cause me more than anything else right now to turn to the Lord. And I believe that, especially in the area of patience right now, He is pruning me through them.

My thought for the day on humility: Matthew 11:28-30: "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light."
I desire for God to prune my pride as well, that I might be gentle and humble, as Christ himself was.

Following vs. Leading

I will readily admit that I am a follower rather than a leader. Always have been. For better and for worse. Why is it, then, that when it comes to following God's direction I fail so miserably? Conflicting with this follower part of my personality is my incessant need to have a plan. So while it should be easy for me to just up and follow where God would have me go and to do what he would have me do, I often don't take the time to wait for His best for me simply because I have to know NOW. I tend to run on ahead and make my plans because for a split second it makes me feel better to know I have a direction. What I don't take into account is that God's direction is so much better than what I could plot out for myself.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

In my devotional today by Cynthia Heald this was exactly the topic. "How often," she asks, "do we take the time to be assured of God's leadership, direction, and presence as we go on our way?" Also, she says, "Too often I mistakenly think that I don't have time to wait for the Lord's guidance." That is so me! I want to run on ahead of him because I'm too impaitent or anxious to wait for what he would have me do.

With some big decisions looming on the horizon and some anxiety that I been feeling, I am challenged anew to stop, wait, and follow.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Humility

As I seek to learn more about and live this idea of humility, God speaks to my heart each and every day. I find that where I fall most short is in feeling pride about areas in which, supposedly, I am doing so great. Even as I draw nearer to God on this daily spiritual journey, sense His presence more acutely in my life, see areas where finally I am submitting to Him and not following my own way, I mar these things with my sudden puffed-up sense of, "Well, look at me! Finally pulled it together after all these years!" And the truth is, it's not me at all. It's simply God fulfilling His promises and granting me His grace and fellowship.
Recently I felt this puffing up while thinking about sin. While I've had many conversations about and have claimed to understand that all sin is equal in God's eyes, I've still gone around thinking that those who are committing those really "obvious", horrifying sins (you know, adultery, murder and the like) were much worse off than I am. And through some wise words by my husband, followed by a reminder in Scripture, I see that, truly, we ALL fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) and are therefore ALL punishable by the ultimate penalty, death. Yet we are "justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:24). Therefore the sins that I daily commit (and, oh, do I...sigh) are no different, in the end, than those that might be seen as worse in the world's eyes.
I desire to follow the example of Christ Jesus "who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant...He HUMBLED himself..." (Phil. 2:6-7)

"To think of oneself as nothing, and always to think well and highly of others is the best and most perfect wisdom. Wherefore, if you see another sin openly or commit a serious crime, do not consider yourself better, for you do not know how long you can remain in good estate. All men are frail, but you must admit that none is more frail than yourself." -Thomas a Kempis

"He who follows me walks not in darkness," John 8:12

"It is not learning that makes a man holy and just, but a virtuous life makes him pleasing to God. I would rather feel contrition than know how to define it. For what would it profit us to know the whole Bible by heart and the principles of all the philosophers, if we live without grace and the love of God? Vanity of vanities and all is vanity, except to love God and serve Him alone." - Thomas a Kempis

Getting it

My passage from Matthew today was verses 8:18-34. Go ahead, look it up. I'll wait...........

Reading these verses caused me to question whether or not I really get this Jesus I claim to serve. Part of the story is about the disciples and Jesus being in the boat during the storm which He calms with but a word of rebuke. I don't know how long the disciples had been with Him at this point but long enough to have heard the truth and authority of his teaching. Long enough, in my opinion, to have not much doubt left about who they were following and serving. Yet their question to each other following this event is, "Who is this?" But as I scoffed to myself at their denseness, I was quickly pulled up short by the thought that I don't know if I really know Him as I claim to either. In the earlier part of the passage Jesus has people desiring to follow Him, one of whom asks if he can just go and bury his father, then join the group. Jesus tells him to follow NOW. "Let the spiritually dead care for their own dead," He says. What? Certainly the Jesus I know and love would allow me to mourn the man who has raised me before leaving my family and home. Certainly he would not ask me to turn my back on those I have known and loved my whole life, right? RIGHT? What if Jesus is not who I have always painted him to be? What if all of my presuppositions and assumptions are completely wrong? I believe I have done an awful lot of creating of Him to be in my image rather than the other way around. I have fit him neatly into my life, culture, and comfort zone rather than truly looking at who the Bible says he was and IS. I always talk about Him as being so counter-cultural and how right-on that is, but do I really GET it? What that means? The sacrifice that following Him truly requires? I don't think I do. I think he is starting to open my mind to it and to show me. And I desperately desire to get Him. I know I have accepted Him and His salvation and therefore represent Him in my words and deeds. And I want to accurately do that. This is where that whole humility factor comes in. Admitting that my picture of Jesus may have been inaccurate all these years, that there's more to Him than I've ever set out to discover. And so I set out to discover it.

Oh where, oh where have my little plans gone?

I'm such a planner, as many of you know. I love a solid schedule, knowing what's coming, keeping organized (though some of that has definitely fallen by the wayside with three kids in the mix). Having these God-given parts to my personality has a down side. It's very difficult for me to face an unknown future, to know that all the little (or big) plans I've got in the works could mean nothing if they are not in line with what God has in mind for me. James and I are wrestling with future decisions and don't feel we have grasped God's vision for our life in these areas yet. I feel on the brink of insight but am not there, so we prayerfully continue to submit ourselves to God's will. While spending time in the Word this afternoon, I read Proverbs 3:5-6 which is a passage close to my heart as it is the one James and I selected as our "life verses", so to speak. James's dad expounded upon them at our wedding, and we had them engraved in our wedding bands (the reference, not the actual verses. That would be one big ring of gold).
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."
What comfort! To know that my job is to trust God, and it is His job to do the steering on this ship. I don't need to know what's coming, I just need to know that He is good and knows the plans He has for me! While I can still find some satisfaction in my list-making, schedule-creating, calendar filling-in, it is important for me to remember that I must submit to/acknowledge the Lord in all of these plans and trust the path He has me on.

God really has a cool way of pointing me to what he wants to teach me in a way that leaves no doubt in my mind. Remember how, in my last post, I had been reading in Matthew 6 about worry? The verse that my devotional focused on this morning was, you guessed it, found in Matthew 6. Verse 34, to be exact: "Don't worry at all then about tomorrow. Tomorrow can take care of itself!..."
I stopped in my tracks immediately upon reading those words, reflecting on the fact that this verse has come into my life multiple times in the past couple of days. What is it I'm worried about? I had to ask myself. Almost always the answer to this question is money. Not that we won't have enough today, but that we won't have enough next month or the month after that. And where does thinking like that leave me? Nowhere healthy. We have always been blessed with all our material needs each day that we need them. I sometimes feel a little bit of anxiety about the future: where we'll end up living, what I'll do for a job, where to send the kids to school, will our house ever sell when we decide to put it back on the market again? For some reason, these big events I find easier to lay down at God's feet and walk away from. He knows exactly those plans that He has for us, and I'm confident He will clearly open the doors He desires for us to walk through. Anyway, that's a short story made long there. God is commanding me not to worry. Not about tomorrow. Not even about today. He asks me to be anxious for nothing, to cast my cares upon Him, who is abundantly capable of working out all things for "those who love him and are called according to his purpose."

Today I also read the account of Abraham and how God "tested [his] faith and obedience." (Gen. 22:1). I've always read this story between the lines, so to speak. At the age of 100 Abraham at long last becomes a father, and a few years later God demands his son back. By way of sacrifice, no less. I cannot imagine, especially now as a mother, the amount of prayerful pleading, hand-wringing, sobbing that must have taken place on Abraham's account. How sleep-deprived and haggard he must have appeared to his son and the servants accompanying them on this ominous journey. Of course, we aren't told Abraham's state of mind in all this. It's left up to speculation. Or is it? Nowhere in Genesis 22 does it tell us how devastated Abraham was. Maybe that's because he wasn't! This was a man who faithfully walked, talked, and even argued with God. He has seen God bring about marvelous, miraculous wonders. Perhaps Abraham's faith was already so great that he immediately saw through this test. After all, hadn't God covenantly promised to make great nations from his descendants? How can there be descendants with no son? (Ishmael notwithstanding.) So perhaps he started out on this journey to Moriah with a downright jaunty step. Perhaps when he answers Isaac's query about the missing sacrificial lamb: "God will provide a lamb, my son", he truly belives this. I found today that I would like to think this is the case because that is the level of faith I desire to have. Whatever God demands of me, that I would do it without hesitation, knowing that he has absolutely the best-laid plans waiting for me and will be faithful to keep his promises.

I do have to wonder though (doing that between the lines thing again) whether a twinge of discomfort, doubt, panic, even, entered Abraham as he lifted his son onto a wood-laden altar and tied him there (and I can't imagine Isaac took that quietly). Were there beads of sweat and a desperate prayer lacing his brow as he lifted his knife? Again, we are left to speculate. All I know is that Abraham was tested and was not found wanting, and God rewarded him powerfully for that. Oh Lord, that I would someday face you and hear you say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Back to the Bible

I am all for a good devotional. I believe God has gifted people with the ability to clearly discern his words and will and to speak truth about Himself and His Word. I think they are a wonderful way to focus our thoughts on what living out this Christian life looks like, and I have gained a mountain of knowledge through reading and studying what other Christians have written. However, lately I have felt challenged about how much of my time I'm spending looking at God's Word and how much time with others'. I am currently so blessed by the devotional I'm reading but have also gone back to a Bible-reading "program" (that word sounds awfully stingy for something as wonderful as the Bible) that I have utilized in the past. I have a Bible organized by a ministry entitled "Change Your Life Resources" that I bought at a women's conference close to 10 years ago. For each day of the year it has an Old Testament selection, New Testament selection, Psalm, and Proverb or two, therefore allowing for a reading through of the entire Bible in a year. I can't say that I have ever read the Bible straight through, even with having this great resource in my possession. But I feel convicted anew that the real strength for my daily journey lies in the Words of our Lord himself and so have added this once again to my time of daily quiet.
Here are a few excerpts that I feel God pointed out to me:
Genesis 18:16-33 - Abraham converses with the Lord (face to face!!! That always stuns me) about the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah and continues to ask God whether he'll destroy these towns if 30...20...10 faithful people are found within their walls. I was struck by how patient and merciful the Lord is in these verses. If Abraham was my kid I would blow my top the second or third time he challenged me. "What is your DEAL? I'm the one in charge here! Don't push it kid." (Not that ANY of these statements has ever come out of my mouth with my actual kids. Ahem.) However, God continues to concede to Abraham's request, and the text does not betray an ounce of frustration or eye-rolling on His part. It's clear he not only loves Abraham as his chosen one but desires to spare those faithful ones of His from the same fate as those who have chosen to spit in His face.

Matthew 6:25 and 32-34 These verses consistently challenge me to reexamine my priorities and to STOP WORRYING as it cannot "add a single moment to [my] life".

Proverbs 2:6-15 I am particularly finding lately that I desire so much God's good sense and the knowledge of what is right, just, and fair. I desire to be a woman of God's wisdom, not the world's and certainly not my own.

Choosing to Abide

"Mary...was listening to the Lord's word, seated at his feet. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him, and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me." Luke 10:39-40

My first instinct in the rare quiet moments of my life is to try to play catch up. Catch up on reading, email, the state of my home. Today, however, rather than tackling the chaos that is currently my living environment, I obeyed the Holy Spirit's pull on my heart to attend to the much more important "task" of reading God's word and communicating with Him. Which made today's devotions all the more poignant.
Choosing to abide in the Lord is just that. A choice. With so many things pulling on my time, I need to recognize that there is no more important thing than to carve out time in the day for reconnecting with and solely focusing on the Lord and His will for me. God is showing me that I do, indeed, have moments in my day for Him, if I will simply choose them. Cynthia Heald, the author of my current devotional, writes these words about Martha:
"[Jesus responds to Martha (in Luke 10)] by encouraging her to realize that she can lay aside her tense preoccupation with tasks. He gives her the freedom to be concerned only with what is best, with what is eternal."
Oh how I can relate to these words! "Preoccupation with tasks" - yes! I am the ultimate task-master! I only feel accomplishment if I am crossing things off my list. Emphasis on MY. But how much more full and satisfied and at peace I have felt when instead I have put my emphasis on the Lord's word rather than my own lately.
"Like Martha, we are called to change our center of attention from ourselves to Jesus."
I am ready to do this. Fulfilling my own wishes, needs, desires every moment of the day has given me no satisfaction. Spending time with the Lord and discovering how HE wants me to spend my day has reaped infinitely greater blessings in even the SHORT amount of time I have been choosing it.
"Fellowship with [the Lord] is a matter of priorities. A matter of choice. It's the better part of the meal life has to offer. It is, in fact, the main course." - Ken Gire

The meaning of life

"By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked." I John 2:5-6

It has come to my attention that the world does not revolve around me. Startling, isn't it? Even more earth-shattering is the fact that my own life doesn't even revolve around me. My sole purpose in life, as God has finally beat into my 32-year-old brain, is this: In all ways to become like Christ and to bring glory to my loving Father. That's it! That's what it all boils down to. How different my daily choices would be if I would just live by this each and every day! Which it is my desire to do. And this involves continually abiding in Christ. What does this mean exactly? I'm about to find out. My mom blessed me with a devotional for Christmas entitled "Becoming a Woman Who Walks With God" by Cynthia Heald. Her insight has already resonated deeply with me:
"To walk with the Lord is to be with Him consistently, to go with Him where He wants me to go, to let Him set the pace, and to delight in His companionship above all others."
How many daily issues for me does this address? Loneliness, waiting for the future to unfold, discipline, consistency. The list could go on.
I close today's thoughts with this prayer by A.W. Tozer which so stunningly speaks my heart:
O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Thoughts on grace and love

I am just finishing up reading the book Aaron's Way: The Journey of a Strong-Willed Child by Kendra Smiley. (Check my literary blog (here) for a synopsis of this book sometime in the near future). Today, through the words of other godly men and women, God has hit me between the eyes. A few ideas to chew on:
- Grace is the good pleasure of God that inclines to bestow benefits upon the undeserving. A.W. Tozer
- It is God's grace that enables us to be authentic and forgiven despite the fact that our lives have been fault-filled. Never underestimate the power of grace in your own life, the life of your strong-willed child, or the lives of those you intersect. Kendra Smiley
- Nothing we can do will make the Father love us less; nothing we do can make Him love us more. He loves us unconditionally with an everlasting love. All He asks of us is that we respond to Him with the free will He has given us. Nancie Carmichael
- If we love people, we will see them as God intends them to be. Florence Littauer

There are so many applications I see in here for my own life today, but for now I will just let the quotes speak for themselves.

A word for the year

One of my favorite books from which I learn something each time I read it (which is repeatedly) is "Listening for God" by Marilyn Hontz. As 2010 approaches I am reminded of something I read in her book about which I have been praying the latter part of this year. She writes the following in her book:

"[A friend] once encouraged me to spend time asking the Lord to give me a word or phrase that he would like to work on with me throughout the year... Every September I ask the Lord for the word or phrase that he would like me to work on the following year. Several ideas usually pop into my head right away. However, after I take time to wait on him, he always clarifies the word or phrase he desires. By January 1, I have a new word for the year, and it is always specifically for me."

This resonated with me, and I have been praying in recent months for that one word for 2010. I feel God has led me to the word "humility". Pride is a huge vice in my life and takes many different forms: self-righteous justification of my agenda, inability to admit wrong-doing and/or apologize for my errors, my sense of entitlement, wanting what I want when I want it, or just plain thinking I'm better than others whether I'm willing to admit it in so many words or not. I feel God is asking me to look at what His word says about humility, to look at how Jesus Christ lived and died according to this trait, and to repent of pride, turning to live a humble life. Here's the catch: I believe satan often makes me feel prideful about those times when I operate under humility. There are so many thousands of little ways he can play out pride in my life. So I prayerfully submit to what God wants to teach me this year about humility. And who knows, you may even read updates from time to time about where this path is taking me.

Happy 2010!