The Whys and Wherefores

God, I have absolute confidence in your ability to do ALL things that we ask. It is whether you will choose to do it or not that trips me up. Lord, "I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

The Faithful One (by Selah w/ Christy Nockles)

I find no hope within to call my own
For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone
But deep within my soul is rising up a song
Here in the comfort of the
Faithful One

I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground on mountains steep
And tho' with feet unsure I still keep pressing on
For I am guided by the Faithful One

CHORUS:
Faithful, faithful to the end
My true and precious Friend
You have been faithful, faithful
So faithful to me

I see Your wounded hands,
I touch your side
With thorns upon your brow
You bled and died
But there's an empty tomb,
a love for all who come
And give their hearts to You,
the Faithful One

And when the day is dawned
and when the race is run
I will bow down before God's only Son
And I will lift my hands in praise for all You've done
And I will worship You, my Faithful One

Parenting is not for sissies

How many times have I heard this statement and chuckled? So true, so true, I always laugh to myself. Lately, though, it has really hit home with me. As my baby grows into a toddler and begins to exhibit facets of his very own God-given personality and human will, I realize that this child is not only an extension of myself, he is his own person! And with that comes desires, likes/dislikes, and sometimes just plain old strong-willed stubbornness as he strives to work through and communicate to us his personality. More than anything else right now I just desire to raise a child who is respectful, polite, and God-fearing. Is that so much to ask? Apparently. One battle we did tonight really turned on the light for me about how I've been failing my child in this area. Why is it as parents that we struggle so much with discipline? As a teacher, I encounter children daily who have obviously been allowed to rule the roost at home, and , quite frankly, they are not turning out to be the nicest of kiddos. Perhaps Mom and Dad indulged a little too frequently with wants and desires (not unheard of with the influential status of my school community). Maybe Mom and Dad experienced unreasonable rigidity as they grew up and vowed never to rule their offspring with an iron fist. Who knows the reason. What I do know is that giving anyone the unlimited desires of their heart does not an angel make. I also see kids who have no idea what it means to treat others (including authority) with any form of respect. Sometimes these same kids don't really have any idea what it means to respect themselves either. It breaks my heart because what kind of adults will they grow into? Where will they learn the lessons of perseverance, hard work, sacrifice, selfless love if not from the adults who influence their life and behaviors from their first breath? I can say that I've seen many adults who lack respect and follow-through, so it's safe to say that some behaviors, once learned, can't be lost. (Maybe can but won't). I have always been the type of person who stands in line at the grocery store and wants to come out of my skin when a parent battles with their children over the "gimmes". For a short time they do well with holding out and then eventually, when their child is screaming or whining shrilly to the level of breaking glass, they give in. I cringe! I inwardly protest! Don't do it! And yet, in past months, I have seen myself traveling down that path. Among my excuses are: He's too young to know better; he'll think I don't love him; he'll be hurt and angry with me. All of them excuses for WIMPS! Tonight it flashed clearly to me as my child and I went through a 45 minute battle of wills and I realized finally: where will this child learn respect if not from me (and my husband, of course). Who else will demand of him right behavior, which, if not delivered, will result in absolute consequences? Where will this child have modeled for him right from wrong? What environment will this child be immersed in where someone will love him too much to allow him to disrespect? Who else will care enough about his character to direct him onto the right path with a solid Moral Compass? When else in his life will he be as primed to begin learning the lessons and truths of Christian behavior than right now? My child's self-esteem is not at stake, his entire Christian character is. And that, by far, is more important to me.
And so I calmly battled with my child and expected nothing less than appropriate, respectful behavior. And he was pissed. But for once, I did not feel frazzled and ready to snap. I felt God's peace and his hand on my shoulder as he lovingly looked down on my child and foresaw some future circumstance in which my child would instinctively act out rightly because his mom (and dad) would expect nothing less, and His heavenly Father would not either.
How much more, then, does God demand right attitudes and behavior of us? What clearer guidelines could he have offered than His Word? As a loving parent should, he does not always give us the immediate desires of our heart. He sometimes lets us kick and scream and flail around until we painfully realize that His way is best, and He loves us too much to settle for anything less from us than total surrender.

This is from a daily devotional I get sent over email. It fights so nicely with my blog theme that I thought I would post it here:


October 15 A word with a great history by Selwyn Hughes
Philippians 4:1-9"... the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds ..." (v.7)
We pass now from considering love and joy to the third fruit of the Spirit -- peace. The order is an inspired one: first, love -- love is preeminent; then joy -- joy comes as a result of love; and then peace -- peace is joy grown quiet and assured. A preacher once drew a comparison between joy and peace: "Joy is peace with its hat thrown high in the air and peace is joy with its arms folded in serene assurance." How beautiful!William Barclay says that the word "peace" (Greek: eiriene) came into the New Testament with a great history. It is a translation of the Hebrew word shalom, meaning peace. In classical Greek, "peace" was mainly negative, implying freedom from war or hostilities, but in the New Testament, the word gathers up positive elements such as are seen in shalom. The central meaning is serenity and harmony. "Peace" occurs eighty-eight times in the New Testament, and it appears in every book. This makes the New Testament a book of peace.
The peace of which we are speaking here is not something that can be manufactured. We cannot make it -- any more than we can make the other fruit of the Spirit. It is divinely and supernaturally given -- a glorious consequence of God's presence in the soul. Jesus knew this kind of peace and He offers the same serenity to every one of His disciples: "My peace I give to you ... Let not your hearts be disquieted or timid" (John 14:27, Moffatt). Remember this -- when you remain in Him, you have access to a peace that not only passes understanding -- but all misunderstanding also.
Prayer:
Father, I am conscious that the peace You desire to give me is a peace that reaches down to the depths of my being. Help me to open up those depths to You today. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
For Further Study
Psa. 55:1-23; 29:11; 119:1651. What was the heart-cry of the psalmist?2. What was God's promise to him?

Humble home

So tonight I took a small detour home and drove through my "dream suburb", the place where I would most like to live, and I gawked at the houses I'd love to live in and coveted wildly. I felt an uneasiness as I did this, a feeling I've felt before when I ponder the nice, neatly packaged life I'd love to have. Living in the house of my dreams, in a beautiful suburb with the beautiful people, with elegant cars in the 3-stall garage (because of course J would need to have a space for his tools and toys) and plenty of money to go around. It's not unheard of in the areas that I live and work; lots of people have achieved this (or at least give off the appearance of having done so). So it often does not feel out of my league to desire this. However, as I mentioned above, an unsettled feeling fills my gut when I dream this way. And tonight, as I drove down the neatly cared-for streets of Downers Grove it struck me that God may never have that life in store for me. Oh sure, in my head I've realized this a million times over, but truly in my heart I've still thought that it could be in the cards for me. And, quite honestly, it could be. But perhaps God has me right where he wants me. In a house that is more than adequate for our needs, in a "slightly" less affluent town with the working class people, and very nice, well-running cars in our one-stall garage (which, come winter, we will fight over). Perhaps God knows that if I move into this dream life I won't feel the need to rely on Him quite as heavily, I won't be kept humble by having way more than I need (which in many respects is already the case). God might have a mission for me right where I am that would not be accomplished or noticed in DG or any other place for that matter. He could have incredible plans for me in the life I already have and instead I waste precious minutes and energy looking forward to the life I possibly could have but probably won't. This is not to say that I can't want to move "up" in the world or that I think it's wrong to dream about a little nicer house in a little nicer neighborhood. But how much more well-spent would my thoughts and actions be putting energy into the life I have? Lord, you have blessed me richly. Forgive my selfish, discontented heart. Teach me to number my days aright that I may gain a heart of wisdom (Ps. 90:12).

Random side note!!! My hubby and I have talked before about how you often don't recognize the character traits in yourself that could use improvement, shall we say? Or, in other words, that might totally rub people the wrong way. I think I have recognized one in myself: I have a tendency to make short stories verrrrry long. I have a penchant for adding way too much detail. Just interesting, I thought. We'll see if I recognize it enough to change....smile.

Surviving and Thriving

Well, I have survived almost a full month of being back at school, which also means a full month of being a working mom and wife. I cannot believe how different teaching is this time around. I actually love it! Before, people would ask, and I would say, oh yes I love my job. What a crock. I dreaded it everyday. Well, not everyday, but alot. And now it is so rewarding! But it is also so challenging. This first month has been great but now suddenly the dread of how much time I'm spending away from son and how that will affect him is setting in. I don't know. It has been so wonderful and yet today my heart is heavy. And I know it has more to do with circumstances outside of my work life but that peace I am so intent on pursuing is missing today. I suppose that means I'm not whole-heartedly pursuing it then. Lord knows my spiritual life has taken a back seat to all other things and that is, of course, when my engine is running on empty. I should not question feeling weary and worn down when I am not fully plugged in to the Source of Life. I really long to thrive in and not just survive these days. I desire to live them to the fullest but there is so much demanded of me in so many areas of my life that I don't necessarily feel like I do any of it adequately. Which lends itself to the point my ever-wise hubby made about the fact that men may not be able to multi-task but, darn it, when they're doing only one thing they do it WELL. :) (so true for you, honey, so true) I think that is true for me. I try to do a lot of things and I desire to do them well (truthfully, I desire to do them perfectly) and it's just not humanly possible. I started out the school year with such an attitude of, I'm only going to do what it is possible for me to do in a day and only with God's help, but more and more I find myself reverting back to my ingrained mindset of doing it all and doing it without flaw....or assistance. That insults God, I think, that I should try to bear the weight of my life on my own shoulders and without His help. That proves nothing to Him, only that I am still a weak and stubborn child, limping along on my own. And so I give you this life yet again, Lord, and ask that you make it yours and not my own. Whatever comforts I am clinging to, break me of them, and whatever merits I may foolishly give myself, humble me with the truth...Your truth.

I'm a parent?!!! Aack!

Ok, so VERY randomly I stumbled across a TON of my old students' myspace.com pages. It was at least a 60 minute experience that brought me through the great labryinth of "so-and-so's Friends". What did I learn out of this hour of my life? I must PRAY LIKE CRAZY for my children. Oy ve. In a way I am soooo tempted to send an anonymous note to each parent including the link to their child's site. I am hard pressed to believe that these kids are posting any of these blogs, messages, songs with their parents knowledge much less approval. Of course, what good would that do really? It is, I suppose, the 21st century way for them to express themselves, connect, discover who they are. It's scary though. The things that are going on and mostly in a Christian school. And it's eye-opening to me to see them put in their profiles that they are Christians and love God and then to see some of the profanities/sexual innuendos/references to parties that go into their chat time. I guess what' most eye-opening is the flashback I get to my own teen years (the late ones in particular as I was stuck in geekdom for much of the early ones....well, it's debatable that I'm still stuck there depending who you talk to). I may not have been on the party scene but I partook in many other conversations/activities that God no doubt frowned upon. The outside observer most certainly would have heard my claims to be a Christian, aka Christ-like, and looked at my walk and guffawed loudly before turning away convinced that Christianity is a hoax. The thing is I know many of these kids have been raised in the same environment I was: loving, Christian, with all the opportunity that anyone could want available to live and grow under the knowledge of God's love. So, parents, where are we going wrong? Why is it we fail to truly turn out kids who have that head AND heart knowledge of Christ and are able to live it out daily? I'll tell you why: sinful human nature. Each of us is born with a will. I'll tell you why else: hormones, baby. We all go through those years of trial and error, drifting, discovering, questioning. I don't know what the answer is but I know that it's not chuckling and shaking the head at those crazy kids who just need to work those things out of their system. I know that up until recently I thought that all teens just need to go through that time of wandering away and trying other things, but as a parent myself now, I'm not so sure. Isn't there a better way for a child to grow and learn about themselves and the world? Why must it be so status quo that all kids, whether in high school or college will "sow their wild oats"? That doesn't fly with me anymore. But like I said, I don't know what the answer is. I just know the only step we can truly take is to PRAY. And wait for God's guidance. Flying solo is not an option. Depending on our own wise words (sha, as if) or experiences will not cut it. And it is of course not (most of the time) the parents' fault. But what I want to know is, what can we as parents do to open our children's eyes to who God truly is and who they are as His so that they don't desire to go down these paths? Erg, I'm not making any sense anymore (it's midnight, what do you want from me?).

Hope

Well, it's official. Pastor and K are gone from our lives....at least from the everyday life of our church, hopefully not from the rest of my life. However, I'm not experiencing a feeling of letdown or anger like I thought I would. I have a renewed sense of hope. Hope for P and K since they have received this fresh start for themselves and their families and are looking forward to that. Hope for our congregation because we have the opportunity to work through some issues with professional guidance and hopefully move forward with a new sense of purpose and unity. The next year is filled with limitless possibilities and I just have to believe that God's positive will outweigh our human negative. Praise God for always bringing hope in the midst of bleak situations.
So...school starts in a week and a half. It's totally surreal. I can't even wrap my brain around the fact that I will soon be a full time working mom. A teeny tiny part of me, deep down, still sometimes says "What the heck are you doing??". But most of me is SO excited for the chance I have to be a part of my school's community again, and to have the opportunity that I do to influence the kids who walk into my life, to genuinely care for and instruct them. But if I'm being honest I also have a sense of sadness that my life will be so different than it's been the past year with all the time I've had to spend with my son. My life will be so different from that of SO many of my friends. But I guess if I look at the glass half full, my life will also be more like others of my friends, and at least I have people to lean on who know what this world is like. And let's face it, having my entire summer off next year? Awesome. The breaks that come at Christmas and spring break and all the ones in between? Fabulous. The extra money coming in and insurance? Priceless. So all in all, when I look at all of the above paragraph, I am truly blessed to have been given the job that I have. And I think that this time around I won't look at it as a job, but more as a calling that God has blessed me with.

True Peace

Lord, I would be so naive to think that I have achieved permanent true peace in my life, but to what else can I attribute such calm when my dad has been through trial by motorcycle, my husband was in a car accident that should very well have taken his life, and my brother is headed off to war? I can't even begin to explain why I am not losing it emotionally (as I do normally in these situations) except to say that it is your Holy Spirit blessing me with your peace that passes all understanding. And all I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you. I have seen you work so miraculously in my loved ones, bringing healing and protection, and I pray you would help me to continue clinging to you in the midst of life's storms.
So.....my hubby and I were pondering the other day why it is that we wait for some great tragedy to happen before we tell the people so dear to us in our life what they truly mean to us. Why is it that we don't just reach out and express to those around us how they have touched our lives? Why must we reach pivotal moments of good-bye before we feel compelled to open ourselves up? For my smallll audience reading this :) I hope that you truly know the ways in which you have touched my life. I don't think that each of you does. But I am embarking on a new "project", wherein the goal is to NOT wait until a crucial, terrible moment before you know how my life is enriched by knowing you. Hmmm..stay tuned for that. ;)

On the lighter side

Too much serious thinking isn't good for anybody. These were sent to me and I got a huge chuckle out of them, so I thought I'd share. Cheers!

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

**Word on the street is that these were actually printed in bulletins. :)

Trials

I just finished reading the most amazing story: In the Presence of My Enemies. It's the story of Martin and Gracia Burnham, missionaries in the Philippines, who were kidnapped by the Abu Sayyaf (extremist Muslim group) in 2001 and were held hostage for a year. The tale of what they had to endure is of course, unthinkable, but what is so amazing about the story is the faith with which Martin and Gracia faced this unthinkable situation. Naturally, there were times in that year when they faced a crisis of faith, wondering where God was in the midst of this situation and what he was doing. But they way they continually turned to Him, time and again, daily, moment-by-moment...... it is inspiring, which, to put it that way almost minimizes it.
Why is it that we must face a trial in our lives, a crisis of faith if you will, before we will truly turn to the Lord and acknowlege Him as Lord of our lives: of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even Gracia talks about how quickly she felt her attitudes and reliance on prayer changing as soon as she was back on safe ground. It seems so inevitable that when we're comfortable, we simply do not sense our need for the Lord and therefore do not work at that relationship. I was so challenged through this book to pursue God passionately, to pray about EVERYTHING, all the time. The Burnhams' story is tough to take, though. It begs that scary and unanswerable question: why? Why does the story end the way it does? Why did God not deliver them sooner? I was left so unsettled, until this passage was pointed out: Deut. 29:29 "The secret things belong to the Lord our God" and Isaiah 55:8 & 9 - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." This would all be infuriating if it didn't bring such....you got it.....peace. Why do we run ourselves ragged trying to know all the ins and outs of every single stinking situation in our lives! Our puny, human brains cannot even begin to comprehend the big picture the way God can. I believe God wants us to ask the hard questions, but I do not believe that "Why" is one of them. Our peace needs to come from knowing that we are not in charge and don't have to be, that we are on a need to know basis and sometimes we just do not need to know. I hope this knowledge is stored in my heart for when I need it b/c, let's face it, I have faced very small crisis' in my life (well, small in the grand scheme of things). There will come a day when, although I doubt I will have to survive a year in the jungle as a Muslim hostage, I will indeed have to face pain, difficulty, the valleys of life. And when the rubber meets the road, do I have what it takes to rely on no one but the Lord to pull me through? The crappy part of that question is that the answer can only come when you're thrust onto the battlefield.
I re-read my question above: Why must we face a crisis of faith before we truly turn to the Lord? and I think of the analogy of refined silver or gold. I found this story that sums it up:
There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came cross verse three which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what his statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week this woman called up a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot -- then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."

In order for us to be purified we must be subjected to some of the hottest flames. Sometimes when we are just lumps sitting around we're not forced to get rid of some of those impurities. In a way, it almost takes more work to be refined without the flames and having anything pushing us to change.
Anyway, this is all probably very easy for me to expound upon since any fires in my life are currently smoldering embers, not enough to get me bubbling and expanding. I pray, Lord, for the strength to step out of my comfort zone each day and walk more in your holy ways. Grow in me the Fruit of your Spirit through my daily walk through this life.

Good enough

Emotions are so funny. Not really funny ha, ha. Funny strange. We all know they are fickle, unreliable, ever-changing. And yet they are such a gauge for word, thought, deed....especially MY words, thoughts, deeds. Today I have been plagued by self-doubt. Am I good enough? A good enough wife, mother, friend, Christian, teacher.......and of course the answer is a resounding no! I have such perfectionist tendencies that do not allow me to land anywhere close to good enough. I am not the support for my husband that he always needs nor do I feel I always fulfill all his needs, I do not spend enough time just being with my son...enjoying the moment....basking in his youth, I don't call/write/email/hang out with/encourage my friends often enough, nor do I spend time with God nurturing my SO-important relationship with him......the list goes on and on. And the truth is, probably no one is being as hard on me as me. And in my head I know these are lies fed to me by the evil one to discourage and remove my focus from the Grace by which I should be living moment-by-moment. But in my heart...I struggle. I struggle so much. Another truth: God does not require me to be perfect. Shoot, I don't even believe he requires me to be "good enough". If I were, would he have bothered to send Jesus Christ to this earth? But I just feel like I am falling short in every area of my life right now. And it is all too possible that this is because I rely on myself and don't consult the Lord about every single detail of my life. I demand so much of myself without simply surrendering to God's will and giving Him the wheel. What freedom would I find in that simple act of giving up? Scary prospect for a control freak. :)
Father God....I don't want to live with regrets. I want to please you: not myself, not others, not the expectations that are placed on me by any human standards (there are those human standards again). Please help me to find my peace and self-worth in your loving arms.

Weary

Lord, I am longing for your kingdom to come and wipe out all the sorrow that this world and its sinfulness holds. Each new day seems to bring a new dose of sadness. Yes, you have given us so much joy in this world, too, and for that I am grateful. But I am weighted today by the painful situations that are touching my loved ones. For Jon and Melissa who are separated by war and, beyond that, the people living in the midst of war whose lives everyday are in some sort of jeopardy: whether due to loss of home, loved one, livelihood, self. I pray, God, that our troops (my brother among them) can bring hope (true hope) to the ones they come in contact with. For my Uncle Paul who has been diagnosed with the dreaded C. No word yet on the path of treatment, but you know the way oh Lord, bring him and his family (all of us who love him, Father) your peace that passes understanding. For my aunt and uncle, a brother and sister, both facing divorce (and not the amicable kind). The heaviness in their souls is unspeakable some days, Father. Carry their burdens with them. Guard their hearts (and those of their children) against anger and bitterness. My heart is heavy for these that I love. And, oh God, how much more you love them. How much more you suffer with them. May your name be praised for that....you do not leave us alone in our grief and turmoil...you walk with us...you have already experienced it through the human manifestation of your Son. Allow all of my family (and so many of my friends facing the troubles of this life) to be able to praise you even as they walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Shine onto them your light in the midst of darkness. Hear our prayers on their behalf. Encourage their hearts. And encourage mine. I know your ways are perfect, God. Help me to let go of my need to know them. Help me to trust. Help all of us to put our hope, along with our situations, into your loving and more-than-capable hands.

Ack. Sometimes I feel like all my life is such self-focused, mindless drivel. I re-read these things that I ponder and I guess they can't totally be classified as "mindless drivel" (if you disagree, please keep my esteem intact and don't argue), but they are very self-involved. I guess my mind is turned to my brother right now. He is in Indiana, training, learning whatever art of war needs to be learned so he can be shipped out to Iraq come August.
I am amazed by him. My "little" brother who has allowed God to grow in him a faith bigger than I could cultivate in the 4 1/2 years I have on him in age. His wife too. They both have committed themselves and this situation into God's more-than-capable hands (and if they haven't, they're awfully good fakers). :) These 2 have only been married exactly a year tomorrow and yet they are now being torn apart for the sake of another country's peace. And so they must sacrifice their own. Or do they? What I have seen in them says otherwise. They are putting their trust, one day at a time, in a God who is bigger than Iraq, bigger than our military, bigger than our fear and anxiety over Jon's safety. It all comes back to that choice to pursue peace at all costs...and I'm talking about the inner, God-given peace here.
As the older sister I feel like I should be the wise example, but it's really their faith that carries me through. God, forgive me for my unbelief, manifested through worry. I know that you are in control. Now make your presence felt to Jon and Melissa each minute of the day. Cover Jon with your hand of protection. Bring alongside him people who can encourage his faith and offer him a connection of Christian friendship. Also bring into his path people who desperately need to see You and how he exhibits You. Bring peace to this world...such a tall order, Lord, but not out of your realm of ability. Thank you for Jon's willingness to defend the rights of others. Thank you for your sovereignty over this broken world; thank you for the promise of everlasting peace in your arms; thank you for my family and the heritage of faithfulness we have with which to encourage each other. May our lives always be growing in such a way as to never be classified as "mindless drivel".

Wonder

Thursday night I was with my Book Club posse, and our discussion touched on the issue of wonder and how we seem to have lost that sense of newfound amazement in our lives. For many reasons. Busyness, constant pursuit of the "bigger and better", laziness. And the big question was, how do we recapture this? Some of our answers: make the conscious choice to look at the world with wonder. We are such feeling people (ok, I am such a feeling person) that we sit back and say, "ok world, ok God, impress me" instead of choosing to look at and really think about this incredible world created for our pleasure and initiate the Wow! feeling. Another step is to SLOW DOWN!!! We are so caught up in the nitty gritty of everyday routines and running from one place to the next that our brains can't keep up or they're running ahead, one of the two. In either case we miss so much wonder that's right in front of us. So I have decided to make the conscious effort to live in wonder and list some of those things that capture me (random as they might be).
1) The unconditional love of God: I don't think I'll ever truly get my mind around this one, and I have to struggle (unfortunately) to keep that sense of awe rather than become complacent about it.
2) Pregnancy and childbirth: I do NOT understand how anyone who has experienced pregnancy for any amount of time can go through with an abortion. What an awesome body God has given us that it can GROW another HUMAN BEING! And the fact that we then are able to get this whole other person out of us....well....evolution my a** is all I have to say.
3) The changing of the seasons: I pity Floridians and Californians on this one. Although winter is not my favorite by any means, what a blessing it is to see the world gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) shift from one season to another and explode with new levels of beauty each time.
4) Volcanos: ok, this is a random one. But did you know that Mt. St. Helens when it erupted in...hmmmm...I don't know...was it the 80's? ...anyway, it expended 8 times more energy than any nuclear bomb ever detonated and changed entire world temperatures. Another lesson in that man cannot recreate anything God has...including brute force.
5) Sunsets: the magic of color and how its reflection varies with each surface it touches.
6) The tender and patient love of my husband: amazing
7) The daily growth and changes of my son: though some days I could still swear he's physically attached to me (and would like for him to be so until the day I die) he is his own person, and to watch him develop into that person blows my mind.
8) Seeds: death and life wrapped up simultaneously in one teeny weeny package
9) Grace: see "unconditional love of God:"
10) Computers: and, moreso, people who understand them.
11) Great literature: and, moreso, the people who write it.

Not a comprehensive list by any means, but just a few items that are fodder for wonder, to my mind anyway. I think as I pursue peace, it's imperative to (WARNING: HUGE cliche on the way!) "stop and smell the roses".

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In the pursuit of peace, one question I continually have to ask myself is: why do I let people dictate whether or not I am at peace? Human actions, human words, human thoughtlessness, human ignorance. It's all...HUMAN. Genesis 1:26 clearly states that we are made in the image and likeness of God. So I am sickened by the fact that I'm constantly trying to measure myself against humanity: human comparison, human acceptance. I tend to care SO much what other people think of me. I am sometimes paralyzed by what others are thinking and their perception of my words or actions. When I was younger it was a fear of how people perceived my appearance but now it's more how I appear to others: saying the right things, doing the right things, not offending or angering anyone. And I can point the finger at whatever human cause I want, but it comes down to a spiritual issue. I cannot fully accept God's grace and so I turn back to what's familiar: human standards. God's grace is about accepting myself as I truly am because I am accepted that way by God. According to to Brennan Manning in his book Ragamuffin Gospel, I should never confuse my perception of myself with the mystery that I am really accepted. Genuine self-acceptance comes from embracing and believing in this radical grace...I come as I am and God embraces. Self-acceptance is an act of faith in God's love. This quote from the book struck me sharply: "When we accept ourselves for what we are...we no longer fear criticism because we accept the reality of our human limitations. We are less often plagued with the desire to please others because simply being true to ourselves brings lasting peace". Wow!!! I guess in a way it's something I've known all my life but it takes committing it to that heart knowledge....
So what does this look like? Again, from Manning's book because he articulates it so profoundly yet simply: "In essence there is only one thing God asks of us - that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace. We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek. When we start seeking somthing besides Him, we lose it." Amen
So in this pursuit of peace, accepting God's grace and with it HIS view of me is key. And pursuing HIM is a road map to pursuing peace.

Forgiveness

So in my devotions this morning it asked me to pray about who I might be harboring anger against in my heart, and usually I don't really think I do that. My anger is generally like a match: it flares up and then it's out. But then God brought to my mind like a bolt of lightning my uncle's extended family. In church with my in-laws on Sunday we witnessed a woman making of profession of faith, and afterward the church elders/deacons were asked to come forward and lay hands on her for prayer. And who should come strolling up but this man. This man whose family is in absolute turmoil, this man whose son is wrapped up in so much denial about his own pain and the cause of it that the the only way he knows how to deal with it is to turn it onto everyone else around him like a contagious disease. Seeing the results of his bitterness and anger in my aunt and their girls, and knowing the dysfunction that lies underneath this guy and his family's perfect facade...I was sick to my stomach to think that he thought he had the right to stand in front of church and offer support and encouragement and PRAYER for one just beginning her own spiritual journey. I wanted to jump out of my seat and yell, "Don't touch her! You'll pass on your spiritual cancer!" And this morning God said, "Just who do you think you are?" I have no right to judge their spiritual state of mind. True, the state of their family, by all appearances, in no way speaks of people striving to walk in Jesus's steps. But what hidden corners of my own life must others look at and then scoff at my own claims to Christianity? The truth is we're alllll imperfect. The Bible doesn't say, "And those who are really screwed up have fallen short of the glory of God"....it's ALL. And so I need to let go what I think I know of this family and their sins, and focus on the plank in my own eye. It is not for me to judge but the Lord. God, forgive me and let me be desperately seeking ways in which I can also forgive.

I am so grateful for the people God brings into my life to share what wisdom they have been given with me. I get a bit emotional and the rational side of me shuts down sometimes. And so I am grateful, Lord, for perspective, and for your gentle yet convicting voice that speaks through others.
Regarding this whole church situation, I have been confronted with several thoughts . First, from my compassionate, selfless, wise husband who reminded me in a blunt yet effective way, as follows, that the church is a body. And in the body there are always unattractive yet purposeful parts. Take the armpit, for example. Never glorified in romance novels as a description of great beauty, that's for sure. Or, to put it lightly, the backside. Both of these parts are not glamorous and not body parts that people like to have noticed necessarily. But both serve important functions. So, ok, it's a little gross. But it's so true! In the church we have our hands and feet, our eyes and ears. But we also have our armpits and...ahem....that other aforementioned part. And ALL are important to the workings of the church. Even though I may not quite understand what positive purpose they serve, they do serve a purpose.

I also have been reminded that once we have claimed Christ's salvation we become family. We are brothers and sisters in Christ, under our Heavenly Father's leadership. In families we don't always get along with our siblings. We bicker and fight and compete for attention. We may even really just downright piss each other off. But in the end, your family is your family. You are together no matter what, through thick and thin. You don't just write each other off because you disagree or because one sibling does something to hurt you or another brother/sister. And when we make profession of faith (in my denomination, anyway) you are welcomed into the life of the church, "its joys and its sorrows. And I am convicted that to just turn and run or to hang on to bitterness or anger is completely counterproductive. It's not at all a sign of committment to seeing this situation through and faith that God will work through it.

My final conviction today came when I was browsing around on my Shining Jewel's pastor, Michael Hidalgo's blog (and I hope you're ok with me repeating this here). There is a blog entitled "Renovation" and it was like an arrow through the heart. Read it at michaelhidalgo.blogspot.com/2006/04/renovation.html Tearing down IS so easy to do. Destruction is so much more immediately satisying. And I feel SO justified in criticizing those "less spiritual". I feel that my words somehow are made right because I am so much more "righteous" in my intent. And all the while I am only contributing to the tear-down. A few phrases in particular from this blog that struck me:

"It is easy and even fun to mock what others have done, and are doing in an attempt to express their faith. Often times we feel good about ripping it apart because we claim that it is doing more harm than good......so we write about people, preach about people, and belittle people who are our brothers and sisters". (Lord, forgive me, this is SO me!)

"Anyone can tear down a wall, few can build one. Many can criticize, few can create."(can I just use this as my mantra now or what?)

Lord I need to be the change that I want to see in others. And while I walk around like a foreman pointing to all the areas of demolition that need to be addressed in the lives of others, I have failed to take notice of the "plank in my own eye" and the rotten crossbeams in my own spirit that need renovation. Do NOT allow me to contribute to irreparable damage in this already tenuous situation. As I pursue true peace, given to me as your gift, help me to daily make that choice to experience it myself, and to choose to pass it on in both word and deed.

Pursuing...what??

So, perhaps my blog title warrants a little explanation. When I say that I am in pursuit, it is a pursuit that, by and large, I hope never meets its end. And when I say peace, I'm not talking "hey man, let's all just get along and stop all these pesky wars" -type peace. What I'm talking about is a peace that passes all human understanding. A peace that penetrates to the very core of my soul throughout all facets of my life. Because, guess what? Wars will always happen. And we won't always just get along. There will always be those people that crawl under my skin and fester there like a fungus. What I am pursuing is a peace that will calm the storms within me in the midst of those times when I am falling apart and so is the world around me. A peace that tempers my righteous indignation. The peace that Jesus was talking about when he said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)
And so I don't want this quest for peace to end. I always want to be chasing a step further this element that has proven itself so elusive in our culture. Everyday I come in contact with or read about or see evidence on the news of people who are searching in every nook, cranny, and cultural cesspool to fill a void that is left by this absent peace.
Today, I am chasing this peace through the battle raging in our church. Pastor and K are officially leaving. And I am fighting through my anger and bitterness over the situations and people that drove them to this decision, to reach the peace at the other side. I am just so tired. I am tired of the small-mindedness and the resistance to change. I am so tired of witnessing an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" attitude that people have about their spiritual life. I know it's not fair to say that even most people there have this attitude but it sure does seem like a large number who are the most vocal (or maybe it's just that they're the most draining). By and large, the leadership in our church (aside from the 2 that are leaving) remind me of kids with a bike. And this bike has flat tires. So these kids pull out their bike to show to their friends and they like to talk about what the bike could do. Sure they'll move the bike: into the driveway, around to the side of their house. But the simple fact remains that the bike is not in motion! It's not going anywhere! It's still just sitting where it began. And they refuse to fix or renew these dumb tires! I don't know if that analogy even makes the remotest bit of sense. But what I'm getting at is this: to be content with where you are spiritually, to fear changing something or moving it forward beacause of unfamiliar territory and therefore staying put, to not even acknowledge that we're called to continue moving and changing and growing spiritually speaks to me of far greater problems. The church order is consulted more to help sort out issues than is the Bible or seeking the movement of the Holy Spirit through prayer. Does no one else see this as a problem?! maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe I'm dealing with people who have no knowledge of what it means to follow the leading of the Spirit or who have never had modeled for them what it means to pursue God relentlessly and never be satisfied spiritually. And we can all relate to that twinge of discomfort that change brings. I am just frustrated that people expect to be catered to and, darn it, if they don't want to change then you'd better not either. My concern now is this: the bomb has been dropped. P and K are leaving. But you know, Hurricane Katrina was not directly what caused all the damage to the Southeast last year. It was the aftermath that destroyed and tore down. I fear that an attitude will develop that is best summed up in this quote I found on my dear Shining Jewel's blog: "It seems easier to act as though differences don't exist and to hope things will work out than it is to face the differences and work together to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations." I shudder to think that the issues surrounding P and K's departure will never be brought to light adn dealt with and we'll forever get caught in this cycle of miscommunication adn pretending everything is hunky-dory when it's not. I fear that no one will want to do the hard and rewarding work of fighting through this together wtih much prayer and humility.
And here I sit on my high horse. Lord, remind me that "Blessed are the peacemakers" and that "as much as it is up to [me I must] be at peace with everyone."

Alrightee then. Here we are. The obligatory intro blog. I make no guarantees that anything on this site will be worth anyone else's time to read, but that's the experiment and the risk isn't it? The voyeuristic journey into public privacy....