Surviving and Thriving

Well, I have survived almost a full month of being back at school, which also means a full month of being a working mom and wife. I cannot believe how different teaching is this time around. I actually love it! Before, people would ask, and I would say, oh yes I love my job. What a crock. I dreaded it everyday. Well, not everyday, but alot. And now it is so rewarding! But it is also so challenging. This first month has been great but now suddenly the dread of how much time I'm spending away from son and how that will affect him is setting in. I don't know. It has been so wonderful and yet today my heart is heavy. And I know it has more to do with circumstances outside of my work life but that peace I am so intent on pursuing is missing today. I suppose that means I'm not whole-heartedly pursuing it then. Lord knows my spiritual life has taken a back seat to all other things and that is, of course, when my engine is running on empty. I should not question feeling weary and worn down when I am not fully plugged in to the Source of Life. I really long to thrive in and not just survive these days. I desire to live them to the fullest but there is so much demanded of me in so many areas of my life that I don't necessarily feel like I do any of it adequately. Which lends itself to the point my ever-wise hubby made about the fact that men may not be able to multi-task but, darn it, when they're doing only one thing they do it WELL. :) (so true for you, honey, so true) I think that is true for me. I try to do a lot of things and I desire to do them well (truthfully, I desire to do them perfectly) and it's just not humanly possible. I started out the school year with such an attitude of, I'm only going to do what it is possible for me to do in a day and only with God's help, but more and more I find myself reverting back to my ingrained mindset of doing it all and doing it without flaw....or assistance. That insults God, I think, that I should try to bear the weight of my life on my own shoulders and without His help. That proves nothing to Him, only that I am still a weak and stubborn child, limping along on my own. And so I give you this life yet again, Lord, and ask that you make it yours and not my own. Whatever comforts I am clinging to, break me of them, and whatever merits I may foolishly give myself, humble me with the truth...Your truth.