Emotions are so funny. Not really funny ha, ha. Funny strange. We all know they are fickle, unreliable, ever-changing. And yet they are such a gauge for word, thought, deed....especially MY words, thoughts, deeds. Today I have been plagued by self-doubt. Am I good enough? A good enough wife, mother, friend, Christian, teacher.......and of course the answer is a resounding no! I have such perfectionist tendencies that do not allow me to land anywhere close to good enough. I am not the support for my husband that he always needs nor do I feel I always fulfill all his needs, I do not spend enough time just being with my son...enjoying the moment....basking in his youth, I don't call/write/email/hang out with/encourage my friends often enough, nor do I spend time with God nurturing my SO-important relationship with him......the list goes on and on. And the truth is, probably no one is being as hard on me as me. And in my head I know these are lies fed to me by the evil one to discourage and remove my focus from the Grace by which I should be living moment-by-moment. But in my heart...I struggle. I struggle so much. Another truth: God does not require me to be perfect. Shoot, I don't even believe he requires me to be "good enough". If I were, would he have bothered to send Jesus Christ to this earth? But I just feel like I am falling short in every area of my life right now. And it is all too possible that this is because I rely on myself and don't consult the Lord about every single detail of my life. I demand so much of myself without simply surrendering to God's will and giving Him the wheel. What freedom would I find in that simple act of giving up? Scary prospect for a control freak. :)
Father God....I don't want to live with regrets. I want to please you: not myself, not others, not the expectations that are placed on me by any human standards (there are those human standards again). Please help me to find my peace and self-worth in your loving arms.
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