"Image is what people think we are; integrity is what we really are."
- John Maxwell

Home at last

After 12 months in Iraq (and countless others in training) Jon finally arrived home on Friday!!! Just a few pics to commemorate the day.

From left: Jon (in the back center), Jeran clapping for his uncle Jon, Melissa and Jon reunited at last!, JJ welcoming his uncle home

Endings

It is with a variety of emotions that I realize two of my "Fave Links" will soon be, most likely, out of commission. The first one is Jon's Update. I am ecstatic about this one, knowing that the reason I won't need to check it anymore is because Jon is coming home!!!! He is currently in Indiana . He will face about a week of debriefing and then will be home for good!!! The risk of him being deployed again is virtually nil. His 6 year commitment with the army is over in October, and Michigan has passed a new law about the amount of time a soldier is allowed between deployments so.....there you have it. We are soooo excited.

The second link that may not be updated from this point forward is Uncle Paul's Journey. My uncle Paul was diagnosed with lung cancer a little over a year ago. His battle against this disease was surrendered early Monday morning, July 3oth. It's still a surreal thing. We were in Colorado for his funeral, and I was amazed at what a small glimpse I really ever had of who my uncle was. His memorial service saw over 1,000 people attend; at the visitation we as his family were constantly regaled with stories of his patience, love and compassion for others, selflessness, and peace in the face of all life's circumstances, especially his cancer. I was so challenged and found myself asking why I wasn't living a similar life; God has blessed me no less. I've always had the tools, now where is my drive? Complacency comes so easily. Anyway, I was challenged not so much by how I would want people to remember me when I am gone, I was convicted much more by what people notice about the way I LIVE. Paul touched innumberable people this way.

And so two chapters in the life of my family come to a close as new challenges set the precedent for upcoming episodes. Prayers for two of my loved ones have been answered: one in exactly the way we asked: protection for Jon (not only physical but mental and emotional as well) and a safe homecoming with no delays (as of yet...you just never know with the army); one prayer was not answered in the way that we asked, and it was tough to watch even a generation older than myself grapple with the "why"s of this (my grandparents and their siblings). But what I realized is, God ALWAYS answers. Sometimes it's no. Sometimes it's wait awhile. And sometimes, gloriously, it's yes. What I am so glad of is that the end decision is not up to me. I would choose so unwisely. A passage from God's Word that has stuck with me through the past month is Isaiah 55:8-9: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Praise God.

I recently saw it summarized another way in a wise old text: Harry Potter. :) Albus Dumbledore profoundly states to Harry at the the end of the first book:
...."the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them." Boy, for a wizard he really nailed it.

Old habits die hard

What do they say? It takes 21 consecutive days to solidify a new habit? Does it matter if the old habit you're trying to replace has spent 30 years taking hold?

I feel lately that I've had this whole Christianity thing all wrong for a long time. I'm not sure where it started really, and this isn't a blog to cast any blame. It's an attempt at dissecting my spiritual anatomy so I can see why I can't seem to stay "healthy". Although I know it takes ACTION to make a true change, not REASON. Case in point, my favorite doctor who moved away several years ago, hit me up every year at my physical with her speech about getting exercise. I already knew about the physical and mental benefits she listed; I knew the effects of not getting this much needed exercise could be detrimental long-term to my health. I would always nod and promise that the next time she saw me I would be in peak physical condition, having found that one perfect method of physicality that I could consider not quite torture. Every year I showed up and had to honestly list my level of fitness as "nil". Even now, as a new life grows inside me, I tell myself everyday that I need to give this child every health benefit possible, and that includes taking care of myself physically. And everyday I spend far more time reading my books, sitting down to IM and check my email, and watching tv than I do in anything resembling exercise (with the exception of running after a 2-year-old of course). Equally disturbing is my relationship with food. While other pregnant friends of mine are gorging themselves on fruits, veggies, and their requisite number of protein grams, I find myself still irresistably drawn to ice cream, macaroni and cheese (there is protein in there, people!), and all manner of sinful salty snacks. It comes down to decades of eating habits that I've never bothered to address mostly because I haven't HAD to due to a thus-far high metabolism (thanks, Dad!). What is my point in these ramblings? Although I see the problem and know the solution I haven't taken ACTION to change.

Is it the same with my spiritual life? For years I have berated myself when I've "fallen off the wagon" of daily devotions or skipped church on a Sunday or if I feel my prayers haven't included all the "necessaries" (remember learning ACTS anyone?). I think I've mentally been keeping a tally sheet of what is expected of me as Christian and when I haven't measured up I've failed miserably and demoted myself to rung one of the corporate Christian ladder. Dotting all the Biblical i's and crossing all the t's has been my focus.

With the big 30 birthday looming only weeks away I have recently felt surges of panic that I am no further along, really, in my spiritual journey than I was at the beginning, oh, 30 years ago?

Or am I still judging according to old law? Daily devotions: check, hour-long prayer time: check, gazillion church committees/activities/noble efforts: check, right things said and done each minute of the day: check. Is this really what God is looking for? In my head I know the answer to that.

I think I started out being raised in a church society that valued these things above all else. Walking the talk but robotically, without any true internal understanding, change, or value. And sometimes that's how I feel about my relationship with God: robotic. It kills me to admit that and kills me further to put it in print. And now I think I have fallen right back into a church society that, to some extent, reinforces that. It certainly reinforces the idea that we should not at all unmask our true selves, ugliness and all. Who could handle it?

I think what I struggle with most is, first of all, humility. Allowing God to truly break me and to re-mold me once again. There should be such a thing as spiritual boot camp. But I suppose that's really what our everyday life is. I also struggle with honesty: with God but moreso with myself and especially with others. As evangelist and writer, Roy Hession, wrote: "The only basis for real fellowship with God and man is to live out in the open with both". And without the humility I need I cannot also be honest about my failures and need for spiritual accountability.

I feel that I need a drastic heart transplant sometimes; a clean slate to break myself off of the understandings and beliefs I have been operating under for so many years; a fresh start - a revival. Finally leaving myself behind, turning fully toward the cross, and along with Christian in the tale Pilgrim's Progress, feel the burdens of my legality and earthly dependence loosed and fallen off once and for all.

Thanksgiving

After so much doom and gloom in my life lately, I have decided to focus on the massive amounts of things I have to be thankful for. I feel that when it comes to the line between pessimist and optimist, I often lean too far over the former. When someone asks me how things are going in my life, my first instinct is to shrug and say (in somewhat Eeyore-style), "Ok." It seems the first things that pop into my head are the struggles/trials/downers. It is truly a struggle for me to CHOOSE joy every single day. And I know that it is a choice. "Happiness" and true, God-given "joy" are VERRRRY different, but I often find myself only wanting to pursue that feeling of happiness.

And so, I present to you things I am thankful for (in no particular order):

my marriage and the man who makes up my better half
my healthy, boisterous, SO loving son
God's infallible Word for guidance and encouragement
music
that Sanjaya was finally voted off American Idol!!! :)
books
my friends and the second family they are to me
spring
sunshine
unconditional love
my job - Christian co-workers, 3 months off :)
parents who have been unconditionally supportive Christ-like examples; they have often been my level heads when I am not
selfless Christian in-laws
my incredible brother (and his safety in Iraq) and beautiful sister-in-law
all four grandparents who are still living
my brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law/nieces/nephews: I couldn't have hand-picked a better family to marry into
health
people who exemplify Christ to me
working cars (for now.... :) )
a cozy house in a neighborhood that has not evidenced any (much?) crime to date
my bed
God meeting my daily needs and beyond
great big hugs and kisses
wise and God-enlightened people who can interpret and share God's word with me
the convenience of modern technology
silence
peace that transcends my understanding
always God's light at the end of the world's tunnels
soft, sandy beaches with waves licking at the sand

I could add so much more to the list....for now I simply breathe, Thank you God. This is the day you have made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

God, I am overwhelmed. This world is overwhelming and burdensome, and the master of it is bent on breaking us. Father, strengthen my armor against this place, the armor of your truth, righteousness, readiness, peace, faith, salvation, and your word. (Eph. 6:11) My prayer tonight is for the suffering of those dear to me so much more than my own trivialities. Teach us to keep our eyes fixed on your perfect will.


Calmer of the Storm by Downhere
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
CHORUS:
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed at the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faithI feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."

And oh, when the torrent blows in the middle of the sea,
may I never trust, never trust in me,
Cuz there in your arms I find...no tragedy

The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?

There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of Your will that I just cannot control
There may I see all your love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

Mission

So much of my life seems to be lived in the future. "When we are in a nicer, bigger house...", "When the next baby comes....", "When summer is here and I can be home with JJ....", "When our church gets its act together...", "When we decide where it is we really want to settle down and put permanent roots....". I live so much in the past as well, nostalgically reminiscing about people, places, events in my life that have impacted me. The question I now find myself faced with is, "What about today???" Lately I will come to the end of a day and visions of Christ returning will bounce around in my brain, and I feel....panic. Not peace...panic. Because I have to confront myself with the fact that I did not truly live this day to its fullest in the name of Jesus Christ. I was too busy pondering what I'll do tomorrow. That is scary to me, that I would fear meeting my Savior face to face because I don't feel confident I will hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
Also, this world captures me up in its ugly arms far too often. The materialism that we are bombarded with essentially every second of our lives sucks me in like a black hole of avariciousness (ok, I TOTALLY used the Microsoft Word thesaurus to come up with that word....isn't it fun? Now go look it up; you know you want to :) ). But it's no wonder, when I lose focus and allow myself to be bounced around from one want and misplaced desire to another.
I always think I'll pull it together when I finally am where I am "supposed" to be and will there fulfill the mission I'm "supposed to have", but it was pointed out to me this weekend (thanks for this wisdom, Robs) that perhaps that's backwards. First I need to recognize what the mission of my life is. What is God calling me to do with my life, and where is He specifically calling me to lay my allegiance? I have all of these obligations in my life, but how many of them are drastically misplaced? Not to say that God can't use any of my well-intended actions or acts of service, but to me the rubber really hits the road in whether I am fulfilling His call in my life day-to-day. And I desire so much to recognize what specific mission God has placed in my life. I desire to see him work today through me and not in some far-off future. To me, the intentional Christ-likeness with which I live out my daily tasks must be the measure of my success as a Christian, far above any grand gestures of service that may come to pass once every three years, or in this far-off future. I am working on developing a life mission statement and, by God's grace, I will see this life a little clearer and be His faithful servant daily.

Struggles

Well clearly last week was not full of warm fuzzies for me. :) It's been a difficult time, and I can't put my finger on why. It is truly a valley experience right now. I can't say I know what depression feels like, but I have to believe this comes close. It's been many consecutive days where I am hit with waves of inexplicable sadness; I'm unmotivated, restless, dissatisfied, anxious, tearful, and prayerful. I wish I could say, ABOVE ALL, prayerful, but that hasn't been the case and certainly that's part of the problem. There seem to be so many moments lately when I feel unable to pray. I can't find the words to express myself, even to the Lord. Thankfully, His Holy Spirit translates and intercedes for me when I cannot. How thankful I have become for that. I can say that things this week have been better, but once in awhile it will hit me again. I know there are times when our faith is put through the fire to be purified, and I just have to believe that this is being allowed in my life for that purpose. I choose not to question God about why. The bigger question I have, along with the psalmist, is how long? And, really, it's absurd for me to say that. There are people who have really and truly struggled with depression for months....YEARS! I know some of them. So I feel like a crybaby in a way to be bent out of shape about a week and a half of melancholy. Anyway......
Part of the cause, I think, is my job. While there are so many rewards to teaching, it also comes with a burdened heart. I feel like I have nothing left in my bag of tricks to reach these kids. It can literally feel like standing in front of a brick wall and trying to enlighten it. I know I am blessed to be teaching in a private institution in a wealthy area. I'm quite sure I wouldn't last an hour in a Chicago public school. But in some ways I feel like the challenge is greater. How do I shake these kids out of their complacency? For many of them, they have had everything handed to them all of their life, no questions asked. They have also been entertained every day of their life from the first. Many more have had the Gospel spoon-fed to them from the cradle. So now they are 11 years old and in my classroom each day. And when they are asked to glean information from a textbook they sigh (or even audibly groan); when they are asked to take responsibility for their work, they shrug; when challenged (I hope) with a new idea about their faith....blank stares. There's anxiety, ADHD, divorce, uninterest, lack of motivation. Where do I begin? How do I help them to care? What do I need to do that I am not doing?? And where do I begin about the respect factor? A great number of students aren't asked to hold their teachers in absolute authority . When a decision is made that they don't like they argue!! ARGUE! I would have crapped my pants if I or any other child had argued with a teacher! I don't know. I don't want to place any blame because that's just a futile attempt to avoid the problem. I know that I am so thankful for the few students I could name off the top of my head that really care; that genuinely want to do their best, are content but not satisfied to remain with the status quo. Maybe what I'm looking for is little adults? But I don't think so. I think what I really desire is to see growth and effort, something that shouldn't be a stretch at this age. I pray everyday for wisdom and discernment. I pray God will give me the words to speak and the right response to all situations. I pray he will guide me to recognize who needs my help and how to give it, and now I need to pray that he will help me to let go that which is not in my control. I know that I only have these kids for 9 months out of their life. I cannot reach all of them to their core and cause a turnaround for each one. I can only do what one human ( combined with the strength of God) can do. But darn, it gets frustrating.

Warring Soul

Inpenetrable, shadowed fog envelopes my soul
Chokes the lifeblood from its source.
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?*
Crouching down in misery I am folded in upon myself
A labyrinth of tangled emotions
My head is covered, eyes closed, ears blocked,
Heart stopped
How long will You hide your face from me?
Wave upon wave of thought crashing upon me,
Sorrow without warning
Unable to cry out, as if trapped in a dream,
Incapable of forming words, like a toddler,
Stagnant: physically, emotionally, spiritually,
One indecipherable mass
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
swirling throngs of my own jealousy, stubbornness, and malcontent
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes; or
my enemy will say, "I have overcome her," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
Why can I not muster the faith to say......
I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

*from Psalm 13
************************************************************************************************** The Waiting Room by Shane and Shane

I will run when I cannot walk
I will sing when there is no song
I will pray when there is no prayer
I will listen when I cannot hear

Sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice I know;
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so I sit in the waiting room of silence
cause it's all about You

I will fight when I cannot feel
I will trust when You don't seem real
I will tell when I cannot speak
I will step when I cannot see

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so I sit in the waiting room of silence

cause I'm in love with You

Duh...

So..did I forget, like, the second most important commandment in my blog yesterday or what? I think it's rather telling to have left off that God can work on me in a real way when I "love others as [myself]". I think that often I am very self-focused and self-centered and again, I may receive assurances that this is very normal; to be expected from a working wife and mother. I don't buy that, though. God placed people first; His relationship with us was important enough to excruciatingly experience death on a cross; damnation by default - experiencing hell on my behalf. Why should I pawn off my time for others on lame excuses?


On a TOTALLY seperate note...what is it with nostalgia, man? Oh my goodness...sometimes I will hear a song from back in the day, read an old journal entry, visit a place, and for a moment I can't even breathe, I am so transported to a different time. I wish so much sometimes that i had a time machine and could go and be an objective bystander in my own life; that i could experience things again, and yes, sometimes do things over. Specific examples? I have none at the moment. But I can tell you that nostalgia is a feeling both bitter and sweet for me. Bitter in the sense that I can never get those times back that are captured in my memory for all times; sweet in the sense that I wouldn't have it any other way. make sense? Didn't think so. :)

Authenticity

You heard it here first, folks. I'm a big fat phony.
Whoa! What? you say. And then follows an endless string of reassurances that I am not, in fact, a phony. Everyone has their issues, their struggles, etc. etc.
But each of us is phony on some level, and how can we break that cycle if we will not let each other be real?
What our country (and I include myself in this obviously) has lost is a sense of authenticity. It's all about appearances. Everything must appear to be in order in our lives. And in the Christian community I think this phenomenon rears it's ugly head even more so. What kind of Christian would I be if every area of my life was not swept clean? And even though we know that this really is absurd and an impossible standard, we still strive for it. We still don't dare take that leap of really putting out there what we are struggling with and being real. That's why, too, I think our society has become so drawn in on itself. We dont' reach out to each other anymore. And if we do, it's only to people we are comfortable and safe with. WHY are we so scared to be ourselves? Our true selves? With all the ugliness attached. I can tell you why for me: I am afraid of rejection for one thing. Of people telling me what I feel or say is ridiculous, untrue, stupid. I'm afraid of the people I love most changing their perspectives of me and losing respect. I'm afraid of being a misrepresentation of Christ. Of having my beliefs challenged and not being able to defend them, and therefore having my phony self "outed" for all to see. Well, guess what, people. I'm putting it out there right now. I don't have all the answers. I feel like I should after almost 30 years of claiming to be a Christian. But after almost 30 years I still feel like I"m on the hamster wheel going nowhere. Oh sure, I've made some baby steps along the way. I have a much more real sense of who God is and know that He is in my life. I just don't pursue him in a real way. I do the things that I feel are expected of me as a Christian, while in my mind I am caught up in so many other worldly things. Material things. Emotional things. Doing what I think a Christian should do and saying what a Christian should say. It's beyond scary to put that out there. For myself, it makes me feel like less of a person, or perhaps like too much of a person. But maybe it is the starting point for God to work on me in a real way. His way. What does this look like? One idea I have comes from Mark 12:30 - "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength..." Pastor Neal broke it down this way: with all your mind: thoughtfully - focusing my attention on God ; with all your heart and soul: passtionately - expressing my affection for God; with all my strength: practically - using my abilities for God. What else might open the way for God to work in me? Getting rid of my anxiety (1 Peter 5:7), praying without ceasing/constant conversation with Him (1 Thessalonians 5:17), choosing joy in all things (Phil. 4:4), being broken and open to His will (Psalm 51:17). I'm sure the list could go endlessly on. It's a battle against my own self and my vicious need to protect my own rep and image. But as I allow God to gently peel back these layers of myself in secret, I can only pray that He will also give me the strength and humility to wear myself in public as well.

Random Reflections of an Educator

My earliest recollection of my desire to teach comes from when I was, I don't know, six or seven years old maybe. In the aluminum shed in my backyard I had set up a schoolroom, where Jon and the Bosch girls from two doors down would come to "learn". What I can't recall are my true notions of what teaching really was. I suppose I loved the sense of control (control-freak from the cradle), being in charge, directing where the "lessons" would go. Perhaps I was drawn to the idea of being around books and kids all day long. All I know is that starting in those early days of "teaching", I knew unconsciously that a teacher I would be. Then I began growing up through the elementary grades and had teachers I adored and who cemented in me that awe-struck idea of educating: Mrs. Bushouse in kindergarten, Mrs. VanMeeteren in second grade, Mr. Avink in fourth grade. Middle - high school is a blur in regard to my educational journey. I think during those years I was just trying to survive (as you often do in that stage of life) and didn't give much thought to the future. But once college was upon me, I never gave a conscious thought to deciding what career path I would pursue, never tossed and turned over declaring my major: elementary education, without a thought. I don't recall now what my perception of this career path really and truly was. All I can say now is what teaching is. And it is.....

• responsibility: complete responsibility for twenty-plus young minds. And not just their minds. Their spirits, self-perceptions, and behavior as well. Twenty-plus children who are unequivocally different academically, emotionally, physically, spiritually.....in every way imaginable really. It's absurd sometimes when I think of it that I am put in charge of moving them forward, then, in each of these areas, in the way that each of them uniquely needs.
• frustration: with students who have no sense of responsibility for or pride in their work, who lack respect not only for their fellow students, but for their teachers and even themselves.
• impatience: with parents who refuse to give their child's teacher the benefit of the doubt and who do their children no favors by fighting all of their battles and making excuses for their carelessness or laziness.
• fatigue: complete and utter tiredness at the end of the each day, especially in the mind.
• anxiety: over what steps to take to fulfill each child's needs; worry that I am not giving each child the absolute best that he/she deserves; fear that I am looked at to have all the answers when most times I don't even know the question
• doubt: that anything I am doing is making a difference at all. I wonder often how long I will serve in this profession before I finally have absolute confidence. And then I talk to a veteran, twenty-plus year teacher, expressing doubt about her abilities, and I realize we'll never feel that what we are doing is good enough. Is this what keeps driving us to be better/do better?

And it is also.....

• love: so deep for each child that the idea of letting them go at the end of the year squeezes my chest a little tighter.
• exhileration: especially when they succeed, when the proverbial light-bulb fires to life, when I have had some small part in bringing them there
• amazement: at their abilities and perceptions; at their innocence and candid points-of-view; at their imagination and creation
• pride: in the manifestation of their abilities; at the growth in their responsibility, academics, spirituality, social interaction
• respect: for parents who expect nothing less than their children's best and who are wise enough to know what that looks like; who gently correct, respectfully listen to, and greatly encourage me as the teacher.
• a complete work of God: The Lord is our loving Instructor and oh-so-different fromthis earth-centered teacher. When His "students" fail, He never hesitates to get down alongside them and then lift them up; when they are careless, He often allows them to make the mistake and lovingly corrects, but quickly forgives and presents a fresh opportunity to do better; when His precious children (for really I see my students as "my" children) are so stubborn and dead-set on the wrong path, He is patient; He guides and directs in His subtle and loving way but ultimately leaves the decision to choose the right path up to them.

How different would each day be if I could only put aside my expectations, ideas, philosophies and cling to the examples of our ultimate Teacher. Oh God, I desire it. Teach ME, Lord. Mold me like clay in your hands that I might be a reflection only of you for my children to see.