Authenticity

You heard it here first, folks. I'm a big fat phony.
Whoa! What? you say. And then follows an endless string of reassurances that I am not, in fact, a phony. Everyone has their issues, their struggles, etc. etc.
But each of us is phony on some level, and how can we break that cycle if we will not let each other be real?
What our country (and I include myself in this obviously) has lost is a sense of authenticity. It's all about appearances. Everything must appear to be in order in our lives. And in the Christian community I think this phenomenon rears it's ugly head even more so. What kind of Christian would I be if every area of my life was not swept clean? And even though we know that this really is absurd and an impossible standard, we still strive for it. We still don't dare take that leap of really putting out there what we are struggling with and being real. That's why, too, I think our society has become so drawn in on itself. We dont' reach out to each other anymore. And if we do, it's only to people we are comfortable and safe with. WHY are we so scared to be ourselves? Our true selves? With all the ugliness attached. I can tell you why for me: I am afraid of rejection for one thing. Of people telling me what I feel or say is ridiculous, untrue, stupid. I'm afraid of the people I love most changing their perspectives of me and losing respect. I'm afraid of being a misrepresentation of Christ. Of having my beliefs challenged and not being able to defend them, and therefore having my phony self "outed" for all to see. Well, guess what, people. I'm putting it out there right now. I don't have all the answers. I feel like I should after almost 30 years of claiming to be a Christian. But after almost 30 years I still feel like I"m on the hamster wheel going nowhere. Oh sure, I've made some baby steps along the way. I have a much more real sense of who God is and know that He is in my life. I just don't pursue him in a real way. I do the things that I feel are expected of me as a Christian, while in my mind I am caught up in so many other worldly things. Material things. Emotional things. Doing what I think a Christian should do and saying what a Christian should say. It's beyond scary to put that out there. For myself, it makes me feel like less of a person, or perhaps like too much of a person. But maybe it is the starting point for God to work on me in a real way. His way. What does this look like? One idea I have comes from Mark 12:30 - "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength..." Pastor Neal broke it down this way: with all your mind: thoughtfully - focusing my attention on God ; with all your heart and soul: passtionately - expressing my affection for God; with all my strength: practically - using my abilities for God. What else might open the way for God to work in me? Getting rid of my anxiety (1 Peter 5:7), praying without ceasing/constant conversation with Him (1 Thessalonians 5:17), choosing joy in all things (Phil. 4:4), being broken and open to His will (Psalm 51:17). I'm sure the list could go endlessly on. It's a battle against my own self and my vicious need to protect my own rep and image. But as I allow God to gently peel back these layers of myself in secret, I can only pray that He will also give me the strength and humility to wear myself in public as well.