Random Reflections of an Educator

My earliest recollection of my desire to teach comes from when I was, I don't know, six or seven years old maybe. In the aluminum shed in my backyard I had set up a schoolroom, where Jon and the Bosch girls from two doors down would come to "learn". What I can't recall are my true notions of what teaching really was. I suppose I loved the sense of control (control-freak from the cradle), being in charge, directing where the "lessons" would go. Perhaps I was drawn to the idea of being around books and kids all day long. All I know is that starting in those early days of "teaching", I knew unconsciously that a teacher I would be. Then I began growing up through the elementary grades and had teachers I adored and who cemented in me that awe-struck idea of educating: Mrs. Bushouse in kindergarten, Mrs. VanMeeteren in second grade, Mr. Avink in fourth grade. Middle - high school is a blur in regard to my educational journey. I think during those years I was just trying to survive (as you often do in that stage of life) and didn't give much thought to the future. But once college was upon me, I never gave a conscious thought to deciding what career path I would pursue, never tossed and turned over declaring my major: elementary education, without a thought. I don't recall now what my perception of this career path really and truly was. All I can say now is what teaching is. And it is.....

• responsibility: complete responsibility for twenty-plus young minds. And not just their minds. Their spirits, self-perceptions, and behavior as well. Twenty-plus children who are unequivocally different academically, emotionally, physically, spiritually.....in every way imaginable really. It's absurd sometimes when I think of it that I am put in charge of moving them forward, then, in each of these areas, in the way that each of them uniquely needs.
• frustration: with students who have no sense of responsibility for or pride in their work, who lack respect not only for their fellow students, but for their teachers and even themselves.
• impatience: with parents who refuse to give their child's teacher the benefit of the doubt and who do their children no favors by fighting all of their battles and making excuses for their carelessness or laziness.
• fatigue: complete and utter tiredness at the end of the each day, especially in the mind.
• anxiety: over what steps to take to fulfill each child's needs; worry that I am not giving each child the absolute best that he/she deserves; fear that I am looked at to have all the answers when most times I don't even know the question
• doubt: that anything I am doing is making a difference at all. I wonder often how long I will serve in this profession before I finally have absolute confidence. And then I talk to a veteran, twenty-plus year teacher, expressing doubt about her abilities, and I realize we'll never feel that what we are doing is good enough. Is this what keeps driving us to be better/do better?

And it is also.....

• love: so deep for each child that the idea of letting them go at the end of the year squeezes my chest a little tighter.
• exhileration: especially when they succeed, when the proverbial light-bulb fires to life, when I have had some small part in bringing them there
• amazement: at their abilities and perceptions; at their innocence and candid points-of-view; at their imagination and creation
• pride: in the manifestation of their abilities; at the growth in their responsibility, academics, spirituality, social interaction
• respect: for parents who expect nothing less than their children's best and who are wise enough to know what that looks like; who gently correct, respectfully listen to, and greatly encourage me as the teacher.
• a complete work of God: The Lord is our loving Instructor and oh-so-different fromthis earth-centered teacher. When His "students" fail, He never hesitates to get down alongside them and then lift them up; when they are careless, He often allows them to make the mistake and lovingly corrects, but quickly forgives and presents a fresh opportunity to do better; when His precious children (for really I see my students as "my" children) are so stubborn and dead-set on the wrong path, He is patient; He guides and directs in His subtle and loving way but ultimately leaves the decision to choose the right path up to them.

How different would each day be if I could only put aside my expectations, ideas, philosophies and cling to the examples of our ultimate Teacher. Oh God, I desire it. Teach ME, Lord. Mold me like clay in your hands that I might be a reflection only of you for my children to see.