Struggles

Well clearly last week was not full of warm fuzzies for me. :) It's been a difficult time, and I can't put my finger on why. It is truly a valley experience right now. I can't say I know what depression feels like, but I have to believe this comes close. It's been many consecutive days where I am hit with waves of inexplicable sadness; I'm unmotivated, restless, dissatisfied, anxious, tearful, and prayerful. I wish I could say, ABOVE ALL, prayerful, but that hasn't been the case and certainly that's part of the problem. There seem to be so many moments lately when I feel unable to pray. I can't find the words to express myself, even to the Lord. Thankfully, His Holy Spirit translates and intercedes for me when I cannot. How thankful I have become for that. I can say that things this week have been better, but once in awhile it will hit me again. I know there are times when our faith is put through the fire to be purified, and I just have to believe that this is being allowed in my life for that purpose. I choose not to question God about why. The bigger question I have, along with the psalmist, is how long? And, really, it's absurd for me to say that. There are people who have really and truly struggled with depression for months....YEARS! I know some of them. So I feel like a crybaby in a way to be bent out of shape about a week and a half of melancholy. Anyway......
Part of the cause, I think, is my job. While there are so many rewards to teaching, it also comes with a burdened heart. I feel like I have nothing left in my bag of tricks to reach these kids. It can literally feel like standing in front of a brick wall and trying to enlighten it. I know I am blessed to be teaching in a private institution in a wealthy area. I'm quite sure I wouldn't last an hour in a Chicago public school. But in some ways I feel like the challenge is greater. How do I shake these kids out of their complacency? For many of them, they have had everything handed to them all of their life, no questions asked. They have also been entertained every day of their life from the first. Many more have had the Gospel spoon-fed to them from the cradle. So now they are 11 years old and in my classroom each day. And when they are asked to glean information from a textbook they sigh (or even audibly groan); when they are asked to take responsibility for their work, they shrug; when challenged (I hope) with a new idea about their faith....blank stares. There's anxiety, ADHD, divorce, uninterest, lack of motivation. Where do I begin? How do I help them to care? What do I need to do that I am not doing?? And where do I begin about the respect factor? A great number of students aren't asked to hold their teachers in absolute authority . When a decision is made that they don't like they argue!! ARGUE! I would have crapped my pants if I or any other child had argued with a teacher! I don't know. I don't want to place any blame because that's just a futile attempt to avoid the problem. I know that I am so thankful for the few students I could name off the top of my head that really care; that genuinely want to do their best, are content but not satisfied to remain with the status quo. Maybe what I'm looking for is little adults? But I don't think so. I think what I really desire is to see growth and effort, something that shouldn't be a stretch at this age. I pray everyday for wisdom and discernment. I pray God will give me the words to speak and the right response to all situations. I pray he will guide me to recognize who needs my help and how to give it, and now I need to pray that he will help me to let go that which is not in my control. I know that I only have these kids for 9 months out of their life. I cannot reach all of them to their core and cause a turnaround for each one. I can only do what one human ( combined with the strength of God) can do. But darn, it gets frustrating.