God, I am overwhelmed. This world is overwhelming and burdensome, and the master of it is bent on breaking us. Father, strengthen my armor against this place, the armor of your truth, righteousness, readiness, peace, faith, salvation, and your word. (Eph. 6:11) My prayer tonight is for the suffering of those dear to me so much more than my own trivialities. Teach us to keep our eyes fixed on your perfect will.


Calmer of the Storm by Downhere
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
CHORUS:
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed at the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faithI feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."

And oh, when the torrent blows in the middle of the sea,
may I never trust, never trust in me,
Cuz there in your arms I find...no tragedy

The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?

There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of Your will that I just cannot control
There may I see all your love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

Mission

So much of my life seems to be lived in the future. "When we are in a nicer, bigger house...", "When the next baby comes....", "When summer is here and I can be home with JJ....", "When our church gets its act together...", "When we decide where it is we really want to settle down and put permanent roots....". I live so much in the past as well, nostalgically reminiscing about people, places, events in my life that have impacted me. The question I now find myself faced with is, "What about today???" Lately I will come to the end of a day and visions of Christ returning will bounce around in my brain, and I feel....panic. Not peace...panic. Because I have to confront myself with the fact that I did not truly live this day to its fullest in the name of Jesus Christ. I was too busy pondering what I'll do tomorrow. That is scary to me, that I would fear meeting my Savior face to face because I don't feel confident I will hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
Also, this world captures me up in its ugly arms far too often. The materialism that we are bombarded with essentially every second of our lives sucks me in like a black hole of avariciousness (ok, I TOTALLY used the Microsoft Word thesaurus to come up with that word....isn't it fun? Now go look it up; you know you want to :) ). But it's no wonder, when I lose focus and allow myself to be bounced around from one want and misplaced desire to another.
I always think I'll pull it together when I finally am where I am "supposed" to be and will there fulfill the mission I'm "supposed to have", but it was pointed out to me this weekend (thanks for this wisdom, Robs) that perhaps that's backwards. First I need to recognize what the mission of my life is. What is God calling me to do with my life, and where is He specifically calling me to lay my allegiance? I have all of these obligations in my life, but how many of them are drastically misplaced? Not to say that God can't use any of my well-intended actions or acts of service, but to me the rubber really hits the road in whether I am fulfilling His call in my life day-to-day. And I desire so much to recognize what specific mission God has placed in my life. I desire to see him work today through me and not in some far-off future. To me, the intentional Christ-likeness with which I live out my daily tasks must be the measure of my success as a Christian, far above any grand gestures of service that may come to pass once every three years, or in this far-off future. I am working on developing a life mission statement and, by God's grace, I will see this life a little clearer and be His faithful servant daily.

Struggles

Well clearly last week was not full of warm fuzzies for me. :) It's been a difficult time, and I can't put my finger on why. It is truly a valley experience right now. I can't say I know what depression feels like, but I have to believe this comes close. It's been many consecutive days where I am hit with waves of inexplicable sadness; I'm unmotivated, restless, dissatisfied, anxious, tearful, and prayerful. I wish I could say, ABOVE ALL, prayerful, but that hasn't been the case and certainly that's part of the problem. There seem to be so many moments lately when I feel unable to pray. I can't find the words to express myself, even to the Lord. Thankfully, His Holy Spirit translates and intercedes for me when I cannot. How thankful I have become for that. I can say that things this week have been better, but once in awhile it will hit me again. I know there are times when our faith is put through the fire to be purified, and I just have to believe that this is being allowed in my life for that purpose. I choose not to question God about why. The bigger question I have, along with the psalmist, is how long? And, really, it's absurd for me to say that. There are people who have really and truly struggled with depression for months....YEARS! I know some of them. So I feel like a crybaby in a way to be bent out of shape about a week and a half of melancholy. Anyway......
Part of the cause, I think, is my job. While there are so many rewards to teaching, it also comes with a burdened heart. I feel like I have nothing left in my bag of tricks to reach these kids. It can literally feel like standing in front of a brick wall and trying to enlighten it. I know I am blessed to be teaching in a private institution in a wealthy area. I'm quite sure I wouldn't last an hour in a Chicago public school. But in some ways I feel like the challenge is greater. How do I shake these kids out of their complacency? For many of them, they have had everything handed to them all of their life, no questions asked. They have also been entertained every day of their life from the first. Many more have had the Gospel spoon-fed to them from the cradle. So now they are 11 years old and in my classroom each day. And when they are asked to glean information from a textbook they sigh (or even audibly groan); when they are asked to take responsibility for their work, they shrug; when challenged (I hope) with a new idea about their faith....blank stares. There's anxiety, ADHD, divorce, uninterest, lack of motivation. Where do I begin? How do I help them to care? What do I need to do that I am not doing?? And where do I begin about the respect factor? A great number of students aren't asked to hold their teachers in absolute authority . When a decision is made that they don't like they argue!! ARGUE! I would have crapped my pants if I or any other child had argued with a teacher! I don't know. I don't want to place any blame because that's just a futile attempt to avoid the problem. I know that I am so thankful for the few students I could name off the top of my head that really care; that genuinely want to do their best, are content but not satisfied to remain with the status quo. Maybe what I'm looking for is little adults? But I don't think so. I think what I really desire is to see growth and effort, something that shouldn't be a stretch at this age. I pray everyday for wisdom and discernment. I pray God will give me the words to speak and the right response to all situations. I pray he will guide me to recognize who needs my help and how to give it, and now I need to pray that he will help me to let go that which is not in my control. I know that I only have these kids for 9 months out of their life. I cannot reach all of them to their core and cause a turnaround for each one. I can only do what one human ( combined with the strength of God) can do. But darn, it gets frustrating.

Warring Soul

Inpenetrable, shadowed fog envelopes my soul
Chokes the lifeblood from its source.
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?*
Crouching down in misery I am folded in upon myself
A labyrinth of tangled emotions
My head is covered, eyes closed, ears blocked,
Heart stopped
How long will You hide your face from me?
Wave upon wave of thought crashing upon me,
Sorrow without warning
Unable to cry out, as if trapped in a dream,
Incapable of forming words, like a toddler,
Stagnant: physically, emotionally, spiritually,
One indecipherable mass
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
swirling throngs of my own jealousy, stubbornness, and malcontent
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes; or
my enemy will say, "I have overcome her," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
Why can I not muster the faith to say......
I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

*from Psalm 13
************************************************************************************************** The Waiting Room by Shane and Shane

I will run when I cannot walk
I will sing when there is no song
I will pray when there is no prayer
I will listen when I cannot hear

Sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice I know;
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so I sit in the waiting room of silence
cause it's all about You

I will fight when I cannot feel
I will trust when You don't seem real
I will tell when I cannot speak
I will step when I cannot see

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so I sit in the waiting room of silence

cause I'm in love with You