Duh...

So..did I forget, like, the second most important commandment in my blog yesterday or what? I think it's rather telling to have left off that God can work on me in a real way when I "love others as [myself]". I think that often I am very self-focused and self-centered and again, I may receive assurances that this is very normal; to be expected from a working wife and mother. I don't buy that, though. God placed people first; His relationship with us was important enough to excruciatingly experience death on a cross; damnation by default - experiencing hell on my behalf. Why should I pawn off my time for others on lame excuses?


On a TOTALLY seperate note...what is it with nostalgia, man? Oh my goodness...sometimes I will hear a song from back in the day, read an old journal entry, visit a place, and for a moment I can't even breathe, I am so transported to a different time. I wish so much sometimes that i had a time machine and could go and be an objective bystander in my own life; that i could experience things again, and yes, sometimes do things over. Specific examples? I have none at the moment. But I can tell you that nostalgia is a feeling both bitter and sweet for me. Bitter in the sense that I can never get those times back that are captured in my memory for all times; sweet in the sense that I wouldn't have it any other way. make sense? Didn't think so. :)

Authenticity

You heard it here first, folks. I'm a big fat phony.
Whoa! What? you say. And then follows an endless string of reassurances that I am not, in fact, a phony. Everyone has their issues, their struggles, etc. etc.
But each of us is phony on some level, and how can we break that cycle if we will not let each other be real?
What our country (and I include myself in this obviously) has lost is a sense of authenticity. It's all about appearances. Everything must appear to be in order in our lives. And in the Christian community I think this phenomenon rears it's ugly head even more so. What kind of Christian would I be if every area of my life was not swept clean? And even though we know that this really is absurd and an impossible standard, we still strive for it. We still don't dare take that leap of really putting out there what we are struggling with and being real. That's why, too, I think our society has become so drawn in on itself. We dont' reach out to each other anymore. And if we do, it's only to people we are comfortable and safe with. WHY are we so scared to be ourselves? Our true selves? With all the ugliness attached. I can tell you why for me: I am afraid of rejection for one thing. Of people telling me what I feel or say is ridiculous, untrue, stupid. I'm afraid of the people I love most changing their perspectives of me and losing respect. I'm afraid of being a misrepresentation of Christ. Of having my beliefs challenged and not being able to defend them, and therefore having my phony self "outed" for all to see. Well, guess what, people. I'm putting it out there right now. I don't have all the answers. I feel like I should after almost 30 years of claiming to be a Christian. But after almost 30 years I still feel like I"m on the hamster wheel going nowhere. Oh sure, I've made some baby steps along the way. I have a much more real sense of who God is and know that He is in my life. I just don't pursue him in a real way. I do the things that I feel are expected of me as a Christian, while in my mind I am caught up in so many other worldly things. Material things. Emotional things. Doing what I think a Christian should do and saying what a Christian should say. It's beyond scary to put that out there. For myself, it makes me feel like less of a person, or perhaps like too much of a person. But maybe it is the starting point for God to work on me in a real way. His way. What does this look like? One idea I have comes from Mark 12:30 - "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength..." Pastor Neal broke it down this way: with all your mind: thoughtfully - focusing my attention on God ; with all your heart and soul: passtionately - expressing my affection for God; with all my strength: practically - using my abilities for God. What else might open the way for God to work in me? Getting rid of my anxiety (1 Peter 5:7), praying without ceasing/constant conversation with Him (1 Thessalonians 5:17), choosing joy in all things (Phil. 4:4), being broken and open to His will (Psalm 51:17). I'm sure the list could go endlessly on. It's a battle against my own self and my vicious need to protect my own rep and image. But as I allow God to gently peel back these layers of myself in secret, I can only pray that He will also give me the strength and humility to wear myself in public as well.

Random Reflections of an Educator

My earliest recollection of my desire to teach comes from when I was, I don't know, six or seven years old maybe. In the aluminum shed in my backyard I had set up a schoolroom, where Jon and the Bosch girls from two doors down would come to "learn". What I can't recall are my true notions of what teaching really was. I suppose I loved the sense of control (control-freak from the cradle), being in charge, directing where the "lessons" would go. Perhaps I was drawn to the idea of being around books and kids all day long. All I know is that starting in those early days of "teaching", I knew unconsciously that a teacher I would be. Then I began growing up through the elementary grades and had teachers I adored and who cemented in me that awe-struck idea of educating: Mrs. Bushouse in kindergarten, Mrs. VanMeeteren in second grade, Mr. Avink in fourth grade. Middle - high school is a blur in regard to my educational journey. I think during those years I was just trying to survive (as you often do in that stage of life) and didn't give much thought to the future. But once college was upon me, I never gave a conscious thought to deciding what career path I would pursue, never tossed and turned over declaring my major: elementary education, without a thought. I don't recall now what my perception of this career path really and truly was. All I can say now is what teaching is. And it is.....

• responsibility: complete responsibility for twenty-plus young minds. And not just their minds. Their spirits, self-perceptions, and behavior as well. Twenty-plus children who are unequivocally different academically, emotionally, physically, spiritually.....in every way imaginable really. It's absurd sometimes when I think of it that I am put in charge of moving them forward, then, in each of these areas, in the way that each of them uniquely needs.
• frustration: with students who have no sense of responsibility for or pride in their work, who lack respect not only for their fellow students, but for their teachers and even themselves.
• impatience: with parents who refuse to give their child's teacher the benefit of the doubt and who do their children no favors by fighting all of their battles and making excuses for their carelessness or laziness.
• fatigue: complete and utter tiredness at the end of the each day, especially in the mind.
• anxiety: over what steps to take to fulfill each child's needs; worry that I am not giving each child the absolute best that he/she deserves; fear that I am looked at to have all the answers when most times I don't even know the question
• doubt: that anything I am doing is making a difference at all. I wonder often how long I will serve in this profession before I finally have absolute confidence. And then I talk to a veteran, twenty-plus year teacher, expressing doubt about her abilities, and I realize we'll never feel that what we are doing is good enough. Is this what keeps driving us to be better/do better?

And it is also.....

• love: so deep for each child that the idea of letting them go at the end of the year squeezes my chest a little tighter.
• exhileration: especially when they succeed, when the proverbial light-bulb fires to life, when I have had some small part in bringing them there
• amazement: at their abilities and perceptions; at their innocence and candid points-of-view; at their imagination and creation
• pride: in the manifestation of their abilities; at the growth in their responsibility, academics, spirituality, social interaction
• respect: for parents who expect nothing less than their children's best and who are wise enough to know what that looks like; who gently correct, respectfully listen to, and greatly encourage me as the teacher.
• a complete work of God: The Lord is our loving Instructor and oh-so-different fromthis earth-centered teacher. When His "students" fail, He never hesitates to get down alongside them and then lift them up; when they are careless, He often allows them to make the mistake and lovingly corrects, but quickly forgives and presents a fresh opportunity to do better; when His precious children (for really I see my students as "my" children) are so stubborn and dead-set on the wrong path, He is patient; He guides and directs in His subtle and loving way but ultimately leaves the decision to choose the right path up to them.

How different would each day be if I could only put aside my expectations, ideas, philosophies and cling to the examples of our ultimate Teacher. Oh God, I desire it. Teach ME, Lord. Mold me like clay in your hands that I might be a reflection only of you for my children to see.