In the pursuit of peace, one question I continually have to ask myself is: why do I let people dictate whether or not I am at peace? Human actions, human words, human thoughtlessness, human ignorance. It's all...HUMAN. Genesis 1:26 clearly states that we are made in the image and likeness of God. So I am sickened by the fact that I'm constantly trying to measure myself against humanity: human comparison, human acceptance. I tend to care SO much what other people think of me. I am sometimes paralyzed by what others are thinking and their perception of my words or actions. When I was younger it was a fear of how people perceived my appearance but now it's more how I appear to others: saying the right things, doing the right things, not offending or angering anyone. And I can point the finger at whatever human cause I want, but it comes down to a spiritual issue. I cannot fully accept God's grace and so I turn back to what's familiar: human standards. God's grace is about accepting myself as I truly am because I am accepted that way by God. According to to Brennan Manning in his book Ragamuffin Gospel, I should never confuse my perception of myself with the mystery that I am really accepted. Genuine self-acceptance comes from embracing and believing in this radical grace...I come as I am and God embraces. Self-acceptance is an act of faith in God's love. This quote from the book struck me sharply: "When we accept ourselves for what we are...we no longer fear criticism because we accept the reality of our human limitations. We are less often plagued with the desire to please others because simply being true to ourselves brings lasting peace". Wow!!! I guess in a way it's something I've known all my life but it takes committing it to that heart knowledge....
So what does this look like? Again, from Manning's book because he articulates it so profoundly yet simply: "In essence there is only one thing God asks of us - that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace. We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek. When we start seeking somthing besides Him, we lose it." Amen
So in this pursuit of peace, accepting God's grace and with it HIS view of me is key. And pursuing HIM is a road map to pursuing peace.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Forgiveness
So in my devotions this morning it asked me to pray about who I might be harboring anger against in my heart, and usually I don't really think I do that. My anger is generally like a match: it flares up and then it's out. But then God brought to my mind like a bolt of lightning my uncle's extended family. In church with my in-laws on Sunday we witnessed a woman making of profession of faith, and afterward the church elders/deacons were asked to come forward and lay hands on her for prayer. And who should come strolling up but this man. This man whose family is in absolute turmoil, this man whose son is wrapped up in so much denial about his own pain and the cause of it that the the only way he knows how to deal with it is to turn it onto everyone else around him like a contagious disease. Seeing the results of his bitterness and anger in my aunt and their girls, and knowing the dysfunction that lies underneath this guy and his family's perfect facade...I was sick to my stomach to think that he thought he had the right to stand in front of church and offer support and encouragement and PRAYER for one just beginning her own spiritual journey. I wanted to jump out of my seat and yell, "Don't touch her! You'll pass on your spiritual cancer!" And this morning God said, "Just who do you think you are?" I have no right to judge their spiritual state of mind. True, the state of their family, by all appearances, in no way speaks of people striving to walk in Jesus's steps. But what hidden corners of my own life must others look at and then scoff at my own claims to Christianity? The truth is we're alllll imperfect. The Bible doesn't say, "And those who are really screwed up have fallen short of the glory of God"....it's ALL. And so I need to let go what I think I know of this family and their sins, and focus on the plank in my own eye. It is not for me to judge but the Lord. God, forgive me and let me be desperately seeking ways in which I can also forgive.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
I am so grateful for the people God brings into my life to share what wisdom they have been given with me. I get a bit emotional and the rational side of me shuts down sometimes. And so I am grateful, Lord, for perspective, and for your gentle yet convicting voice that speaks through others.
Regarding this whole church situation, I have been confronted with several thoughts . First, from my compassionate, selfless, wise husband who reminded me in a blunt yet effective way, as follows, that the church is a body. And in the body there are always unattractive yet purposeful parts. Take the armpit, for example. Never glorified in romance novels as a description of great beauty, that's for sure. Or, to put it lightly, the backside. Both of these parts are not glamorous and not body parts that people like to have noticed necessarily. But both serve important functions. So, ok, it's a little gross. But it's so true! In the church we have our hands and feet, our eyes and ears. But we also have our armpits and...ahem....that other aforementioned part. And ALL are important to the workings of the church. Even though I may not quite understand what positive purpose they serve, they do serve a purpose.
I also have been reminded that once we have claimed Christ's salvation we become family. We are brothers and sisters in Christ, under our Heavenly Father's leadership. In families we don't always get along with our siblings. We bicker and fight and compete for attention. We may even really just downright piss each other off. But in the end, your family is your family. You are together no matter what, through thick and thin. You don't just write each other off because you disagree or because one sibling does something to hurt you or another brother/sister. And when we make profession of faith (in my denomination, anyway) you are welcomed into the life of the church, "its joys and its sorrows. And I am convicted that to just turn and run or to hang on to bitterness or anger is completely counterproductive. It's not at all a sign of committment to seeing this situation through and faith that God will work through it.
My final conviction today came when I was browsing around on my Shining Jewel's pastor, Michael Hidalgo's blog (and I hope you're ok with me repeating this here). There is a blog entitled "Renovation" and it was like an arrow through the heart. Read it at michaelhidalgo.blogspot.com/2006/04/renovation.html Tearing down IS so easy to do. Destruction is so much more immediately satisying. And I feel SO justified in criticizing those "less spiritual". I feel that my words somehow are made right because I am so much more "righteous" in my intent. And all the while I am only contributing to the tear-down. A few phrases in particular from this blog that struck me:
"It is easy and even fun to mock what others have done, and are doing in an attempt to express their faith. Often times we feel good about ripping it apart because we claim that it is doing more harm than good......so we write about people, preach about people, and belittle people who are our brothers and sisters". (Lord, forgive me, this is SO me!)
"Anyone can tear down a wall, few can build one. Many can criticize, few can create."(can I just use this as my mantra now or what?)
Lord I need to be the change that I want to see in others. And while I walk around like a foreman pointing to all the areas of demolition that need to be addressed in the lives of others, I have failed to take notice of the "plank in my own eye" and the rotten crossbeams in my own spirit that need renovation. Do NOT allow me to contribute to irreparable damage in this already tenuous situation. As I pursue true peace, given to me as your gift, help me to daily make that choice to experience it myself, and to choose to pass it on in both word and deed.
Regarding this whole church situation, I have been confronted with several thoughts . First, from my compassionate, selfless, wise husband who reminded me in a blunt yet effective way, as follows, that the church is a body. And in the body there are always unattractive yet purposeful parts. Take the armpit, for example. Never glorified in romance novels as a description of great beauty, that's for sure. Or, to put it lightly, the backside. Both of these parts are not glamorous and not body parts that people like to have noticed necessarily. But both serve important functions. So, ok, it's a little gross. But it's so true! In the church we have our hands and feet, our eyes and ears. But we also have our armpits and...ahem....that other aforementioned part. And ALL are important to the workings of the church. Even though I may not quite understand what positive purpose they serve, they do serve a purpose.
I also have been reminded that once we have claimed Christ's salvation we become family. We are brothers and sisters in Christ, under our Heavenly Father's leadership. In families we don't always get along with our siblings. We bicker and fight and compete for attention. We may even really just downright piss each other off. But in the end, your family is your family. You are together no matter what, through thick and thin. You don't just write each other off because you disagree or because one sibling does something to hurt you or another brother/sister. And when we make profession of faith (in my denomination, anyway) you are welcomed into the life of the church, "its joys and its sorrows. And I am convicted that to just turn and run or to hang on to bitterness or anger is completely counterproductive. It's not at all a sign of committment to seeing this situation through and faith that God will work through it.
My final conviction today came when I was browsing around on my Shining Jewel's pastor, Michael Hidalgo's blog (and I hope you're ok with me repeating this here). There is a blog entitled "Renovation" and it was like an arrow through the heart. Read it at michaelhidalgo.blogspot.com/2006/04/renovation.html Tearing down IS so easy to do. Destruction is so much more immediately satisying. And I feel SO justified in criticizing those "less spiritual". I feel that my words somehow are made right because I am so much more "righteous" in my intent. And all the while I am only contributing to the tear-down. A few phrases in particular from this blog that struck me:
"It is easy and even fun to mock what others have done, and are doing in an attempt to express their faith. Often times we feel good about ripping it apart because we claim that it is doing more harm than good......so we write about people, preach about people, and belittle people who are our brothers and sisters". (Lord, forgive me, this is SO me!)
"Anyone can tear down a wall, few can build one. Many can criticize, few can create."(can I just use this as my mantra now or what?)
Lord I need to be the change that I want to see in others. And while I walk around like a foreman pointing to all the areas of demolition that need to be addressed in the lives of others, I have failed to take notice of the "plank in my own eye" and the rotten crossbeams in my own spirit that need renovation. Do NOT allow me to contribute to irreparable damage in this already tenuous situation. As I pursue true peace, given to me as your gift, help me to daily make that choice to experience it myself, and to choose to pass it on in both word and deed.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Pursuing...what??
So, perhaps my blog title warrants a little explanation. When I say that I am in pursuit, it is a pursuit that, by and large, I hope never meets its end. And when I say peace, I'm not talking "hey man, let's all just get along and stop all these pesky wars" -type peace. What I'm talking about is a peace that passes all human understanding. A peace that penetrates to the very core of my soul throughout all facets of my life. Because, guess what? Wars will always happen. And we won't always just get along. There will always be those people that crawl under my skin and fester there like a fungus. What I am pursuing is a peace that will calm the storms within me in the midst of those times when I am falling apart and so is the world around me. A peace that tempers my righteous indignation. The peace that Jesus was talking about when he said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)
And so I don't want this quest for peace to end. I always want to be chasing a step further this element that has proven itself so elusive in our culture. Everyday I come in contact with or read about or see evidence on the news of people who are searching in every nook, cranny, and cultural cesspool to fill a void that is left by this absent peace.
Today, I am chasing this peace through the battle raging in our church. Pastor and K are officially leaving. And I am fighting through my anger and bitterness over the situations and people that drove them to this decision, to reach the peace at the other side. I am just so tired. I am tired of the small-mindedness and the resistance to change. I am so tired of witnessing an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" attitude that people have about their spiritual life. I know it's not fair to say that even most people there have this attitude but it sure does seem like a large number who are the most vocal (or maybe it's just that they're the most draining). By and large, the leadership in our church (aside from the 2 that are leaving) remind me of kids with a bike. And this bike has flat tires. So these kids pull out their bike to show to their friends and they like to talk about what the bike could do. Sure they'll move the bike: into the driveway, around to the side of their house. But the simple fact remains that the bike is not in motion! It's not going anywhere! It's still just sitting where it began. And they refuse to fix or renew these dumb tires! I don't know if that analogy even makes the remotest bit of sense. But what I'm getting at is this: to be content with where you are spiritually, to fear changing something or moving it forward beacause of unfamiliar territory and therefore staying put, to not even acknowledge that we're called to continue moving and changing and growing spiritually speaks to me of far greater problems. The church order is consulted more to help sort out issues than is the Bible or seeking the movement of the Holy Spirit through prayer. Does no one else see this as a problem?! maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe I'm dealing with people who have no knowledge of what it means to follow the leading of the Spirit or who have never had modeled for them what it means to pursue God relentlessly and never be satisfied spiritually. And we can all relate to that twinge of discomfort that change brings. I am just frustrated that people expect to be catered to and, darn it, if they don't want to change then you'd better not either. My concern now is this: the bomb has been dropped. P and K are leaving. But you know, Hurricane Katrina was not directly what caused all the damage to the Southeast last year. It was the aftermath that destroyed and tore down. I fear that an attitude will develop that is best summed up in this quote I found on my dear Shining Jewel's blog: "It seems easier to act as though differences don't exist and to hope things will work out than it is to face the differences and work together to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations." I shudder to think that the issues surrounding P and K's departure will never be brought to light adn dealt with and we'll forever get caught in this cycle of miscommunication adn pretending everything is hunky-dory when it's not. I fear that no one will want to do the hard and rewarding work of fighting through this together wtih much prayer and humility.
And here I sit on my high horse. Lord, remind me that "Blessed are the peacemakers" and that "as much as it is up to [me I must] be at peace with everyone."
And so I don't want this quest for peace to end. I always want to be chasing a step further this element that has proven itself so elusive in our culture. Everyday I come in contact with or read about or see evidence on the news of people who are searching in every nook, cranny, and cultural cesspool to fill a void that is left by this absent peace.
Today, I am chasing this peace through the battle raging in our church. Pastor and K are officially leaving. And I am fighting through my anger and bitterness over the situations and people that drove them to this decision, to reach the peace at the other side. I am just so tired. I am tired of the small-mindedness and the resistance to change. I am so tired of witnessing an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" attitude that people have about their spiritual life. I know it's not fair to say that even most people there have this attitude but it sure does seem like a large number who are the most vocal (or maybe it's just that they're the most draining). By and large, the leadership in our church (aside from the 2 that are leaving) remind me of kids with a bike. And this bike has flat tires. So these kids pull out their bike to show to their friends and they like to talk about what the bike could do. Sure they'll move the bike: into the driveway, around to the side of their house. But the simple fact remains that the bike is not in motion! It's not going anywhere! It's still just sitting where it began. And they refuse to fix or renew these dumb tires! I don't know if that analogy even makes the remotest bit of sense. But what I'm getting at is this: to be content with where you are spiritually, to fear changing something or moving it forward beacause of unfamiliar territory and therefore staying put, to not even acknowledge that we're called to continue moving and changing and growing spiritually speaks to me of far greater problems. The church order is consulted more to help sort out issues than is the Bible or seeking the movement of the Holy Spirit through prayer. Does no one else see this as a problem?! maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe I'm dealing with people who have no knowledge of what it means to follow the leading of the Spirit or who have never had modeled for them what it means to pursue God relentlessly and never be satisfied spiritually. And we can all relate to that twinge of discomfort that change brings. I am just frustrated that people expect to be catered to and, darn it, if they don't want to change then you'd better not either. My concern now is this: the bomb has been dropped. P and K are leaving. But you know, Hurricane Katrina was not directly what caused all the damage to the Southeast last year. It was the aftermath that destroyed and tore down. I fear that an attitude will develop that is best summed up in this quote I found on my dear Shining Jewel's blog: "It seems easier to act as though differences don't exist and to hope things will work out than it is to face the differences and work together to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations." I shudder to think that the issues surrounding P and K's departure will never be brought to light adn dealt with and we'll forever get caught in this cycle of miscommunication adn pretending everything is hunky-dory when it's not. I fear that no one will want to do the hard and rewarding work of fighting through this together wtih much prayer and humility.
And here I sit on my high horse. Lord, remind me that "Blessed are the peacemakers" and that "as much as it is up to [me I must] be at peace with everyone."
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