Emotions are so funny. Not really funny ha, ha. Funny strange. We all know they are fickle, unreliable, ever-changing. And yet they are such a gauge for word, thought, deed....especially MY words, thoughts, deeds. Today I have been plagued by self-doubt. Am I good enough? A good enough wife, mother, friend, Christian, teacher.......and of course the answer is a resounding no! I have such perfectionist tendencies that do not allow me to land anywhere close to good enough. I am not the support for my husband that he always needs nor do I feel I always fulfill all his needs, I do not spend enough time just being with my son...enjoying the moment....basking in his youth, I don't call/write/email/hang out with/encourage my friends often enough, nor do I spend time with God nurturing my SO-important relationship with him......the list goes on and on. And the truth is, probably no one is being as hard on me as me. And in my head I know these are lies fed to me by the evil one to discourage and remove my focus from the Grace by which I should be living moment-by-moment. But in my heart...I struggle. I struggle so much. Another truth: God does not require me to be perfect. Shoot, I don't even believe he requires me to be "good enough". If I were, would he have bothered to send Jesus Christ to this earth? But I just feel like I am falling short in every area of my life right now. And it is all too possible that this is because I rely on myself and don't consult the Lord about every single detail of my life. I demand so much of myself without simply surrendering to God's will and giving Him the wheel. What freedom would I find in that simple act of giving up? Scary prospect for a control freak. :)
Father God....I don't want to live with regrets. I want to please you: not myself, not others, not the expectations that are placed on me by any human standards (there are those human standards again). Please help me to find my peace and self-worth in your loving arms.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Weary
Lord, I am longing for your kingdom to come and wipe out all the sorrow that this world and its sinfulness holds. Each new day seems to bring a new dose of sadness. Yes, you have given us so much joy in this world, too, and for that I am grateful. But I am weighted today by the painful situations that are touching my loved ones. For Jon and Melissa who are separated by war and, beyond that, the people living in the midst of war whose lives everyday are in some sort of jeopardy: whether due to loss of home, loved one, livelihood, self. I pray, God, that our troops (my brother among them) can bring hope (true hope) to the ones they come in contact with. For my Uncle Paul who has been diagnosed with the dreaded C. No word yet on the path of treatment, but you know the way oh Lord, bring him and his family (all of us who love him, Father) your peace that passes understanding. For my aunt and uncle, a brother and sister, both facing divorce (and not the amicable kind). The heaviness in their souls is unspeakable some days, Father. Carry their burdens with them. Guard their hearts (and those of their children) against anger and bitterness. My heart is heavy for these that I love. And, oh God, how much more you love them. How much more you suffer with them. May your name be praised for that....you do not leave us alone in our grief and turmoil...you walk with us...you have already experienced it through the human manifestation of your Son. Allow all of my family (and so many of my friends facing the troubles of this life) to be able to praise you even as they walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Shine onto them your light in the midst of darkness. Hear our prayers on their behalf. Encourage their hearts. And encourage mine. I know your ways are perfect, God. Help me to let go of my need to know them. Help me to trust. Help all of us to put our hope, along with our situations, into your loving and more-than-capable hands.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Ack. Sometimes I feel like all my life is such self-focused, mindless drivel. I re-read these things that I ponder and I guess they can't totally be classified as "mindless drivel" (if you disagree, please keep my esteem intact and don't argue), but they are very self-involved. I guess my mind is turned to my brother right now. He is in Indiana, training, learning whatever art of war needs to be learned so he can be shipped out to Iraq come August.
I am amazed by him. My "little" brother who has allowed God to grow in him a faith bigger than I could cultivate in the 4 1/2 years I have on him in age. His wife too. They both have committed themselves and this situation into God's more-than-capable hands (and if they haven't, they're awfully good fakers). :) These 2 have only been married exactly a year tomorrow and yet they are now being torn apart for the sake of another country's peace. And so they must sacrifice their own. Or do they? What I have seen in them says otherwise. They are putting their trust, one day at a time, in a God who is bigger than Iraq, bigger than our military, bigger than our fear and anxiety over Jon's safety. It all comes back to that choice to pursue peace at all costs...and I'm talking about the inner, God-given peace here.
As the older sister I feel like I should be the wise example, but it's really their faith that carries me through. God, forgive me for my unbelief, manifested through worry. I know that you are in control. Now make your presence felt to Jon and Melissa each minute of the day. Cover Jon with your hand of protection. Bring alongside him people who can encourage his faith and offer him a connection of Christian friendship. Also bring into his path people who desperately need to see You and how he exhibits You. Bring peace to this world...such a tall order, Lord, but not out of your realm of ability. Thank you for Jon's willingness to defend the rights of others. Thank you for your sovereignty over this broken world; thank you for the promise of everlasting peace in your arms; thank you for my family and the heritage of faithfulness we have with which to encourage each other. May our lives always be growing in such a way as to never be classified as "mindless drivel".
I am amazed by him. My "little" brother who has allowed God to grow in him a faith bigger than I could cultivate in the 4 1/2 years I have on him in age. His wife too. They both have committed themselves and this situation into God's more-than-capable hands (and if they haven't, they're awfully good fakers). :) These 2 have only been married exactly a year tomorrow and yet they are now being torn apart for the sake of another country's peace. And so they must sacrifice their own. Or do they? What I have seen in them says otherwise. They are putting their trust, one day at a time, in a God who is bigger than Iraq, bigger than our military, bigger than our fear and anxiety over Jon's safety. It all comes back to that choice to pursue peace at all costs...and I'm talking about the inner, God-given peace here.
As the older sister I feel like I should be the wise example, but it's really their faith that carries me through. God, forgive me for my unbelief, manifested through worry. I know that you are in control. Now make your presence felt to Jon and Melissa each minute of the day. Cover Jon with your hand of protection. Bring alongside him people who can encourage his faith and offer him a connection of Christian friendship. Also bring into his path people who desperately need to see You and how he exhibits You. Bring peace to this world...such a tall order, Lord, but not out of your realm of ability. Thank you for Jon's willingness to defend the rights of others. Thank you for your sovereignty over this broken world; thank you for the promise of everlasting peace in your arms; thank you for my family and the heritage of faithfulness we have with which to encourage each other. May our lives always be growing in such a way as to never be classified as "mindless drivel".
Wonder
Thursday night I was with my Book Club posse, and our discussion touched on the issue of wonder and how we seem to have lost that sense of newfound amazement in our lives. For many reasons. Busyness, constant pursuit of the "bigger and better", laziness. And the big question was, how do we recapture this? Some of our answers: make the conscious choice to look at the world with wonder. We are such feeling people (ok, I am such a feeling person) that we sit back and say, "ok world, ok God, impress me" instead of choosing to look at and really think about this incredible world created for our pleasure and initiate the Wow! feeling. Another step is to SLOW DOWN!!! We are so caught up in the nitty gritty of everyday routines and running from one place to the next that our brains can't keep up or they're running ahead, one of the two. In either case we miss so much wonder that's right in front of us. So I have decided to make the conscious effort to live in wonder and list some of those things that capture me (random as they might be).
1) The unconditional love of God: I don't think I'll ever truly get my mind around this one, and I have to struggle (unfortunately) to keep that sense of awe rather than become complacent about it.
2) Pregnancy and childbirth: I do NOT understand how anyone who has experienced pregnancy for any amount of time can go through with an abortion. What an awesome body God has given us that it can GROW another HUMAN BEING! And the fact that we then are able to get this whole other person out of us....well....evolution my a** is all I have to say.
3) The changing of the seasons: I pity Floridians and Californians on this one. Although winter is not my favorite by any means, what a blessing it is to see the world gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) shift from one season to another and explode with new levels of beauty each time.
4) Volcanos: ok, this is a random one. But did you know that Mt. St. Helens when it erupted in...hmmmm...I don't know...was it the 80's? ...anyway, it expended 8 times more energy than any nuclear bomb ever detonated and changed entire world temperatures. Another lesson in that man cannot recreate anything God has...including brute force.
5) Sunsets: the magic of color and how its reflection varies with each surface it touches.
6) The tender and patient love of my husband: amazing
7) The daily growth and changes of my son: though some days I could still swear he's physically attached to me (and would like for him to be so until the day I die) he is his own person, and to watch him develop into that person blows my mind.
8) Seeds: death and life wrapped up simultaneously in one teeny weeny package
9) Grace: see "unconditional love of God:"
10) Computers: and, moreso, people who understand them.
11) Great literature: and, moreso, the people who write it.
Not a comprehensive list by any means, but just a few items that are fodder for wonder, to my mind anyway. I think as I pursue peace, it's imperative to (WARNING: HUGE cliche on the way!) "stop and smell the roses".
1) The unconditional love of God: I don't think I'll ever truly get my mind around this one, and I have to struggle (unfortunately) to keep that sense of awe rather than become complacent about it.
2) Pregnancy and childbirth: I do NOT understand how anyone who has experienced pregnancy for any amount of time can go through with an abortion. What an awesome body God has given us that it can GROW another HUMAN BEING! And the fact that we then are able to get this whole other person out of us....well....evolution my a** is all I have to say.
3) The changing of the seasons: I pity Floridians and Californians on this one. Although winter is not my favorite by any means, what a blessing it is to see the world gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) shift from one season to another and explode with new levels of beauty each time.
4) Volcanos: ok, this is a random one. But did you know that Mt. St. Helens when it erupted in...hmmmm...I don't know...was it the 80's? ...anyway, it expended 8 times more energy than any nuclear bomb ever detonated and changed entire world temperatures. Another lesson in that man cannot recreate anything God has...including brute force.
5) Sunsets: the magic of color and how its reflection varies with each surface it touches.
6) The tender and patient love of my husband: amazing
7) The daily growth and changes of my son: though some days I could still swear he's physically attached to me (and would like for him to be so until the day I die) he is his own person, and to watch him develop into that person blows my mind.
8) Seeds: death and life wrapped up simultaneously in one teeny weeny package
9) Grace: see "unconditional love of God:"
10) Computers: and, moreso, people who understand them.
11) Great literature: and, moreso, the people who write it.
Not a comprehensive list by any means, but just a few items that are fodder for wonder, to my mind anyway. I think as I pursue peace, it's imperative to (WARNING: HUGE cliche on the way!) "stop and smell the roses".
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