"One of the most sobering truths about the human situation is that we can take even the most spiritual ideas, practices, and plans and place them in service of "the old man" or the false self. We are much better at taking surveys, gathering information, and making strategic plans than we are at dying to what is false within us so that what is truest in us can live. Lent is a season when we face the wilderness within." ~Ruth Haley Barton:The Wilderness Within 2011
The above quote struck a chord with me as I read it last week at the end of this Lenten season. In my Christian life I have studied hundreds of books, engaged in countless devotionals/Bible studies, and taken dozens of surveys/tests, etc. to help enhance my spiritual walk. None of these things, in and of themselves, is bad. But without true contemplation, repentance, and change, they are ineffective. How often have I said to myself and the Lord, "I will live better, I will change", and what is unspoken on the end of that promise is always "tomorrow" or "soon" or "someday". Because I still struggle with that lasting change. I love the Lord. I am, now more than at any other time in my life, in love with Him and in awe of the sacrifice that He endured for ME. And for you. I am astounded that He would do die for any of us. Why, then, do I forsake Him so often? Why do I place in greater importance above Him the ridiculous, fleeting things of this world? Why do I coast and become lazy in my pursuit of Him and all things righteous that bring me true peace and fulfillment? It is the greatest mystery of my life, and just when I think I have turned a corner, I find myself back at the same crossroads at which I always arrive, choosing the wrong way. Mired in the wilderness within. I know it is part of the human condition to sin, to forsake, to selfishly pursue wrong things. I am so grateful for God's mercy and forgiveness, His unconditional love, His gentle leading and teaching, even His discipline. I continue to desire that right path and the abundant life that comes along with it, yet when it comes to choosing it I so often chicken out due to fear and selfishness. I know I'm not alone in this, but I don't want my standards to be the lives of those around me. I want my standards to be the Lord's, the way that Jesus lived, the Biblical guideline that has been laid out for me. I want to live out of gratitude for what has been done for me in love. And I know that my life has once again not been reflecting that.
God, forgive me for my poor choices and my self-centered living. Forgive me for choosing temporary pleasures over the abundant life you hold out to me. Be strong in my weakness, grant me perseverance and the will to obey. You have won victory over death on the cross, now help me to win victory and die those small deaths each day in surrender.
