Good enough

Emotions are so funny. Not really funny ha, ha. Funny strange. We all know they are fickle, unreliable, ever-changing. And yet they are such a gauge for word, thought, deed....especially MY words, thoughts, deeds. Today I have been plagued by self-doubt. Am I good enough? A good enough wife, mother, friend, Christian, teacher.......and of course the answer is a resounding no! I have such perfectionist tendencies that do not allow me to land anywhere close to good enough. I am not the support for my husband that he always needs nor do I feel I always fulfill all his needs, I do not spend enough time just being with my son...enjoying the moment....basking in his youth, I don't call/write/email/hang out with/encourage my friends often enough, nor do I spend time with God nurturing my SO-important relationship with him......the list goes on and on. And the truth is, probably no one is being as hard on me as me. And in my head I know these are lies fed to me by the evil one to discourage and remove my focus from the Grace by which I should be living moment-by-moment. But in my heart...I struggle. I struggle so much. Another truth: God does not require me to be perfect. Shoot, I don't even believe he requires me to be "good enough". If I were, would he have bothered to send Jesus Christ to this earth? But I just feel like I am falling short in every area of my life right now. And it is all too possible that this is because I rely on myself and don't consult the Lord about every single detail of my life. I demand so much of myself without simply surrendering to God's will and giving Him the wheel. What freedom would I find in that simple act of giving up? Scary prospect for a control freak. :)
Father God....I don't want to live with regrets. I want to please you: not myself, not others, not the expectations that are placed on me by any human standards (there are those human standards again). Please help me to find my peace and self-worth in your loving arms.

Weary

Lord, I am longing for your kingdom to come and wipe out all the sorrow that this world and its sinfulness holds. Each new day seems to bring a new dose of sadness. Yes, you have given us so much joy in this world, too, and for that I am grateful. But I am weighted today by the painful situations that are touching my loved ones. For Jon and Melissa who are separated by war and, beyond that, the people living in the midst of war whose lives everyday are in some sort of jeopardy: whether due to loss of home, loved one, livelihood, self. I pray, God, that our troops (my brother among them) can bring hope (true hope) to the ones they come in contact with. For my Uncle Paul who has been diagnosed with the dreaded C. No word yet on the path of treatment, but you know the way oh Lord, bring him and his family (all of us who love him, Father) your peace that passes understanding. For my aunt and uncle, a brother and sister, both facing divorce (and not the amicable kind). The heaviness in their souls is unspeakable some days, Father. Carry their burdens with them. Guard their hearts (and those of their children) against anger and bitterness. My heart is heavy for these that I love. And, oh God, how much more you love them. How much more you suffer with them. May your name be praised for that....you do not leave us alone in our grief and turmoil...you walk with us...you have already experienced it through the human manifestation of your Son. Allow all of my family (and so many of my friends facing the troubles of this life) to be able to praise you even as they walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Shine onto them your light in the midst of darkness. Hear our prayers on their behalf. Encourage their hearts. And encourage mine. I know your ways are perfect, God. Help me to let go of my need to know them. Help me to trust. Help all of us to put our hope, along with our situations, into your loving and more-than-capable hands.

Ack. Sometimes I feel like all my life is such self-focused, mindless drivel. I re-read these things that I ponder and I guess they can't totally be classified as "mindless drivel" (if you disagree, please keep my esteem intact and don't argue), but they are very self-involved. I guess my mind is turned to my brother right now. He is in Indiana, training, learning whatever art of war needs to be learned so he can be shipped out to Iraq come August.
I am amazed by him. My "little" brother who has allowed God to grow in him a faith bigger than I could cultivate in the 4 1/2 years I have on him in age. His wife too. They both have committed themselves and this situation into God's more-than-capable hands (and if they haven't, they're awfully good fakers). :) These 2 have only been married exactly a year tomorrow and yet they are now being torn apart for the sake of another country's peace. And so they must sacrifice their own. Or do they? What I have seen in them says otherwise. They are putting their trust, one day at a time, in a God who is bigger than Iraq, bigger than our military, bigger than our fear and anxiety over Jon's safety. It all comes back to that choice to pursue peace at all costs...and I'm talking about the inner, God-given peace here.
As the older sister I feel like I should be the wise example, but it's really their faith that carries me through. God, forgive me for my unbelief, manifested through worry. I know that you are in control. Now make your presence felt to Jon and Melissa each minute of the day. Cover Jon with your hand of protection. Bring alongside him people who can encourage his faith and offer him a connection of Christian friendship. Also bring into his path people who desperately need to see You and how he exhibits You. Bring peace to this world...such a tall order, Lord, but not out of your realm of ability. Thank you for Jon's willingness to defend the rights of others. Thank you for your sovereignty over this broken world; thank you for the promise of everlasting peace in your arms; thank you for my family and the heritage of faithfulness we have with which to encourage each other. May our lives always be growing in such a way as to never be classified as "mindless drivel".

Wonder

Thursday night I was with my Book Club posse, and our discussion touched on the issue of wonder and how we seem to have lost that sense of newfound amazement in our lives. For many reasons. Busyness, constant pursuit of the "bigger and better", laziness. And the big question was, how do we recapture this? Some of our answers: make the conscious choice to look at the world with wonder. We are such feeling people (ok, I am such a feeling person) that we sit back and say, "ok world, ok God, impress me" instead of choosing to look at and really think about this incredible world created for our pleasure and initiate the Wow! feeling. Another step is to SLOW DOWN!!! We are so caught up in the nitty gritty of everyday routines and running from one place to the next that our brains can't keep up or they're running ahead, one of the two. In either case we miss so much wonder that's right in front of us. So I have decided to make the conscious effort to live in wonder and list some of those things that capture me (random as they might be).
1) The unconditional love of God: I don't think I'll ever truly get my mind around this one, and I have to struggle (unfortunately) to keep that sense of awe rather than become complacent about it.
2) Pregnancy and childbirth: I do NOT understand how anyone who has experienced pregnancy for any amount of time can go through with an abortion. What an awesome body God has given us that it can GROW another HUMAN BEING! And the fact that we then are able to get this whole other person out of us....well....evolution my a** is all I have to say.
3) The changing of the seasons: I pity Floridians and Californians on this one. Although winter is not my favorite by any means, what a blessing it is to see the world gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) shift from one season to another and explode with new levels of beauty each time.
4) Volcanos: ok, this is a random one. But did you know that Mt. St. Helens when it erupted in...hmmmm...I don't know...was it the 80's? ...anyway, it expended 8 times more energy than any nuclear bomb ever detonated and changed entire world temperatures. Another lesson in that man cannot recreate anything God has...including brute force.
5) Sunsets: the magic of color and how its reflection varies with each surface it touches.
6) The tender and patient love of my husband: amazing
7) The daily growth and changes of my son: though some days I could still swear he's physically attached to me (and would like for him to be so until the day I die) he is his own person, and to watch him develop into that person blows my mind.
8) Seeds: death and life wrapped up simultaneously in one teeny weeny package
9) Grace: see "unconditional love of God:"
10) Computers: and, moreso, people who understand them.
11) Great literature: and, moreso, the people who write it.

Not a comprehensive list by any means, but just a few items that are fodder for wonder, to my mind anyway. I think as I pursue peace, it's imperative to (WARNING: HUGE cliche on the way!) "stop and smell the roses".

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In the pursuit of peace, one question I continually have to ask myself is: why do I let people dictate whether or not I am at peace? Human actions, human words, human thoughtlessness, human ignorance. It's all...HUMAN. Genesis 1:26 clearly states that we are made in the image and likeness of God. So I am sickened by the fact that I'm constantly trying to measure myself against humanity: human comparison, human acceptance. I tend to care SO much what other people think of me. I am sometimes paralyzed by what others are thinking and their perception of my words or actions. When I was younger it was a fear of how people perceived my appearance but now it's more how I appear to others: saying the right things, doing the right things, not offending or angering anyone. And I can point the finger at whatever human cause I want, but it comes down to a spiritual issue. I cannot fully accept God's grace and so I turn back to what's familiar: human standards. God's grace is about accepting myself as I truly am because I am accepted that way by God. According to to Brennan Manning in his book Ragamuffin Gospel, I should never confuse my perception of myself with the mystery that I am really accepted. Genuine self-acceptance comes from embracing and believing in this radical grace...I come as I am and God embraces. Self-acceptance is an act of faith in God's love. This quote from the book struck me sharply: "When we accept ourselves for what we are...we no longer fear criticism because we accept the reality of our human limitations. We are less often plagued with the desire to please others because simply being true to ourselves brings lasting peace". Wow!!! I guess in a way it's something I've known all my life but it takes committing it to that heart knowledge....
So what does this look like? Again, from Manning's book because he articulates it so profoundly yet simply: "In essence there is only one thing God asks of us - that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace. We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek. When we start seeking somthing besides Him, we lose it." Amen
So in this pursuit of peace, accepting God's grace and with it HIS view of me is key. And pursuing HIM is a road map to pursuing peace.

Forgiveness

So in my devotions this morning it asked me to pray about who I might be harboring anger against in my heart, and usually I don't really think I do that. My anger is generally like a match: it flares up and then it's out. But then God brought to my mind like a bolt of lightning my uncle's extended family. In church with my in-laws on Sunday we witnessed a woman making of profession of faith, and afterward the church elders/deacons were asked to come forward and lay hands on her for prayer. And who should come strolling up but this man. This man whose family is in absolute turmoil, this man whose son is wrapped up in so much denial about his own pain and the cause of it that the the only way he knows how to deal with it is to turn it onto everyone else around him like a contagious disease. Seeing the results of his bitterness and anger in my aunt and their girls, and knowing the dysfunction that lies underneath this guy and his family's perfect facade...I was sick to my stomach to think that he thought he had the right to stand in front of church and offer support and encouragement and PRAYER for one just beginning her own spiritual journey. I wanted to jump out of my seat and yell, "Don't touch her! You'll pass on your spiritual cancer!" And this morning God said, "Just who do you think you are?" I have no right to judge their spiritual state of mind. True, the state of their family, by all appearances, in no way speaks of people striving to walk in Jesus's steps. But what hidden corners of my own life must others look at and then scoff at my own claims to Christianity? The truth is we're alllll imperfect. The Bible doesn't say, "And those who are really screwed up have fallen short of the glory of God"....it's ALL. And so I need to let go what I think I know of this family and their sins, and focus on the plank in my own eye. It is not for me to judge but the Lord. God, forgive me and let me be desperately seeking ways in which I can also forgive.

I am so grateful for the people God brings into my life to share what wisdom they have been given with me. I get a bit emotional and the rational side of me shuts down sometimes. And so I am grateful, Lord, for perspective, and for your gentle yet convicting voice that speaks through others.
Regarding this whole church situation, I have been confronted with several thoughts . First, from my compassionate, selfless, wise husband who reminded me in a blunt yet effective way, as follows, that the church is a body. And in the body there are always unattractive yet purposeful parts. Take the armpit, for example. Never glorified in romance novels as a description of great beauty, that's for sure. Or, to put it lightly, the backside. Both of these parts are not glamorous and not body parts that people like to have noticed necessarily. But both serve important functions. So, ok, it's a little gross. But it's so true! In the church we have our hands and feet, our eyes and ears. But we also have our armpits and...ahem....that other aforementioned part. And ALL are important to the workings of the church. Even though I may not quite understand what positive purpose they serve, they do serve a purpose.

I also have been reminded that once we have claimed Christ's salvation we become family. We are brothers and sisters in Christ, under our Heavenly Father's leadership. In families we don't always get along with our siblings. We bicker and fight and compete for attention. We may even really just downright piss each other off. But in the end, your family is your family. You are together no matter what, through thick and thin. You don't just write each other off because you disagree or because one sibling does something to hurt you or another brother/sister. And when we make profession of faith (in my denomination, anyway) you are welcomed into the life of the church, "its joys and its sorrows. And I am convicted that to just turn and run or to hang on to bitterness or anger is completely counterproductive. It's not at all a sign of committment to seeing this situation through and faith that God will work through it.

My final conviction today came when I was browsing around on my Shining Jewel's pastor, Michael Hidalgo's blog (and I hope you're ok with me repeating this here). There is a blog entitled "Renovation" and it was like an arrow through the heart. Read it at michaelhidalgo.blogspot.com/2006/04/renovation.html Tearing down IS so easy to do. Destruction is so much more immediately satisying. And I feel SO justified in criticizing those "less spiritual". I feel that my words somehow are made right because I am so much more "righteous" in my intent. And all the while I am only contributing to the tear-down. A few phrases in particular from this blog that struck me:

"It is easy and even fun to mock what others have done, and are doing in an attempt to express their faith. Often times we feel good about ripping it apart because we claim that it is doing more harm than good......so we write about people, preach about people, and belittle people who are our brothers and sisters". (Lord, forgive me, this is SO me!)

"Anyone can tear down a wall, few can build one. Many can criticize, few can create."(can I just use this as my mantra now or what?)

Lord I need to be the change that I want to see in others. And while I walk around like a foreman pointing to all the areas of demolition that need to be addressed in the lives of others, I have failed to take notice of the "plank in my own eye" and the rotten crossbeams in my own spirit that need renovation. Do NOT allow me to contribute to irreparable damage in this already tenuous situation. As I pursue true peace, given to me as your gift, help me to daily make that choice to experience it myself, and to choose to pass it on in both word and deed.

Pursuing...what??

So, perhaps my blog title warrants a little explanation. When I say that I am in pursuit, it is a pursuit that, by and large, I hope never meets its end. And when I say peace, I'm not talking "hey man, let's all just get along and stop all these pesky wars" -type peace. What I'm talking about is a peace that passes all human understanding. A peace that penetrates to the very core of my soul throughout all facets of my life. Because, guess what? Wars will always happen. And we won't always just get along. There will always be those people that crawl under my skin and fester there like a fungus. What I am pursuing is a peace that will calm the storms within me in the midst of those times when I am falling apart and so is the world around me. A peace that tempers my righteous indignation. The peace that Jesus was talking about when he said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)
And so I don't want this quest for peace to end. I always want to be chasing a step further this element that has proven itself so elusive in our culture. Everyday I come in contact with or read about or see evidence on the news of people who are searching in every nook, cranny, and cultural cesspool to fill a void that is left by this absent peace.
Today, I am chasing this peace through the battle raging in our church. Pastor and K are officially leaving. And I am fighting through my anger and bitterness over the situations and people that drove them to this decision, to reach the peace at the other side. I am just so tired. I am tired of the small-mindedness and the resistance to change. I am so tired of witnessing an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" attitude that people have about their spiritual life. I know it's not fair to say that even most people there have this attitude but it sure does seem like a large number who are the most vocal (or maybe it's just that they're the most draining). By and large, the leadership in our church (aside from the 2 that are leaving) remind me of kids with a bike. And this bike has flat tires. So these kids pull out their bike to show to their friends and they like to talk about what the bike could do. Sure they'll move the bike: into the driveway, around to the side of their house. But the simple fact remains that the bike is not in motion! It's not going anywhere! It's still just sitting where it began. And they refuse to fix or renew these dumb tires! I don't know if that analogy even makes the remotest bit of sense. But what I'm getting at is this: to be content with where you are spiritually, to fear changing something or moving it forward beacause of unfamiliar territory and therefore staying put, to not even acknowledge that we're called to continue moving and changing and growing spiritually speaks to me of far greater problems. The church order is consulted more to help sort out issues than is the Bible or seeking the movement of the Holy Spirit through prayer. Does no one else see this as a problem?! maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe I'm dealing with people who have no knowledge of what it means to follow the leading of the Spirit or who have never had modeled for them what it means to pursue God relentlessly and never be satisfied spiritually. And we can all relate to that twinge of discomfort that change brings. I am just frustrated that people expect to be catered to and, darn it, if they don't want to change then you'd better not either. My concern now is this: the bomb has been dropped. P and K are leaving. But you know, Hurricane Katrina was not directly what caused all the damage to the Southeast last year. It was the aftermath that destroyed and tore down. I fear that an attitude will develop that is best summed up in this quote I found on my dear Shining Jewel's blog: "It seems easier to act as though differences don't exist and to hope things will work out than it is to face the differences and work together to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations." I shudder to think that the issues surrounding P and K's departure will never be brought to light adn dealt with and we'll forever get caught in this cycle of miscommunication adn pretending everything is hunky-dory when it's not. I fear that no one will want to do the hard and rewarding work of fighting through this together wtih much prayer and humility.
And here I sit on my high horse. Lord, remind me that "Blessed are the peacemakers" and that "as much as it is up to [me I must] be at peace with everyone."

Alrightee then. Here we are. The obligatory intro blog. I make no guarantees that anything on this site will be worth anyone else's time to read, but that's the experiment and the risk isn't it? The voyeuristic journey into public privacy....