Back to the Bible

I am all for a good devotional. I believe God has gifted people with the ability to clearly discern his words and will and to speak truth about Himself and His Word. I think they are a wonderful way to focus our thoughts on what living out this Christian life looks like, and I have gained a mountain of knowledge through reading and studying what other Christians have written. However, lately I have felt challenged about how much of my time I'm spending looking at God's Word and how much time with others'. I am currently so blessed by the devotional I'm reading but have also gone back to a Bible-reading "program" (that word sounds awfully stingy for something as wonderful as the Bible) that I have utilized in the past. I have a Bible organized by a ministry entitled "Change Your Life Resources" that I bought at a women's conference close to 10 years ago. For each day of the year it has an Old Testament selection, New Testament selection, Psalm, and Proverb or two, therefore allowing for a reading through of the entire Bible in a year. I can't say that I have ever read the Bible straight through, even with having this great resource in my possession. But I feel convicted anew that the real strength for my daily journey lies in the Words of our Lord himself and so have added this once again to my time of daily quiet.
Here are a few excerpts that I feel God pointed out to me:
Genesis 18:16-33 - Abraham converses with the Lord (face to face!!! That always stuns me) about the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah and continues to ask God whether he'll destroy these towns if 30...20...10 faithful people are found within their walls. I was struck by how patient and merciful the Lord is in these verses. If Abraham was my kid I would blow my top the second or third time he challenged me. "What is your DEAL? I'm the one in charge here! Don't push it kid." (Not that ANY of these statements has ever come out of my mouth with my actual kids. Ahem.) However, God continues to concede to Abraham's request, and the text does not betray an ounce of frustration or eye-rolling on His part. It's clear he not only loves Abraham as his chosen one but desires to spare those faithful ones of His from the same fate as those who have chosen to spit in His face.

Matthew 6:25 and 32-34 These verses consistently challenge me to reexamine my priorities and to STOP WORRYING as it cannot "add a single moment to [my] life".

Proverbs 2:6-15 I am particularly finding lately that I desire so much God's good sense and the knowledge of what is right, just, and fair. I desire to be a woman of God's wisdom, not the world's and certainly not my own.

Choosing to Abide

"Mary...was listening to the Lord's word, seated at his feet. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him, and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me." Luke 10:39-40

My first instinct in the rare quiet moments of my life is to try to play catch up. Catch up on reading, email, the state of my home. Today, however, rather than tackling the chaos that is currently my living environment, I obeyed the Holy Spirit's pull on my heart to attend to the much more important "task" of reading God's word and communicating with Him. Which made today's devotions all the more poignant.
Choosing to abide in the Lord is just that. A choice. With so many things pulling on my time, I need to recognize that there is no more important thing than to carve out time in the day for reconnecting with and solely focusing on the Lord and His will for me. God is showing me that I do, indeed, have moments in my day for Him, if I will simply choose them. Cynthia Heald, the author of my current devotional, writes these words about Martha:
"[Jesus responds to Martha (in Luke 10)] by encouraging her to realize that she can lay aside her tense preoccupation with tasks. He gives her the freedom to be concerned only with what is best, with what is eternal."
Oh how I can relate to these words! "Preoccupation with tasks" - yes! I am the ultimate task-master! I only feel accomplishment if I am crossing things off my list. Emphasis on MY. But how much more full and satisfied and at peace I have felt when instead I have put my emphasis on the Lord's word rather than my own lately.
"Like Martha, we are called to change our center of attention from ourselves to Jesus."
I am ready to do this. Fulfilling my own wishes, needs, desires every moment of the day has given me no satisfaction. Spending time with the Lord and discovering how HE wants me to spend my day has reaped infinitely greater blessings in even the SHORT amount of time I have been choosing it.
"Fellowship with [the Lord] is a matter of priorities. A matter of choice. It's the better part of the meal life has to offer. It is, in fact, the main course." - Ken Gire

The meaning of life

"By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked." I John 2:5-6

It has come to my attention that the world does not revolve around me. Startling, isn't it? Even more earth-shattering is the fact that my own life doesn't even revolve around me. My sole purpose in life, as God has finally beat into my 32-year-old brain, is this: In all ways to become like Christ and to bring glory to my loving Father. That's it! That's what it all boils down to. How different my daily choices would be if I would just live by this each and every day! Which it is my desire to do. And this involves continually abiding in Christ. What does this mean exactly? I'm about to find out. My mom blessed me with a devotional for Christmas entitled "Becoming a Woman Who Walks With God" by Cynthia Heald. Her insight has already resonated deeply with me:
"To walk with the Lord is to be with Him consistently, to go with Him where He wants me to go, to let Him set the pace, and to delight in His companionship above all others."
How many daily issues for me does this address? Loneliness, waiting for the future to unfold, discipline, consistency. The list could go on.
I close today's thoughts with this prayer by A.W. Tozer which so stunningly speaks my heart:
O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Thoughts on grace and love

I am just finishing up reading the book Aaron's Way: The Journey of a Strong-Willed Child by Kendra Smiley. (Check my literary blog (here) for a synopsis of this book sometime in the near future). Today, through the words of other godly men and women, God has hit me between the eyes. A few ideas to chew on:
- Grace is the good pleasure of God that inclines to bestow benefits upon the undeserving. A.W. Tozer
- It is God's grace that enables us to be authentic and forgiven despite the fact that our lives have been fault-filled. Never underestimate the power of grace in your own life, the life of your strong-willed child, or the lives of those you intersect. Kendra Smiley
- Nothing we can do will make the Father love us less; nothing we do can make Him love us more. He loves us unconditionally with an everlasting love. All He asks of us is that we respond to Him with the free will He has given us. Nancie Carmichael
- If we love people, we will see them as God intends them to be. Florence Littauer

There are so many applications I see in here for my own life today, but for now I will just let the quotes speak for themselves.

A word for the year

One of my favorite books from which I learn something each time I read it (which is repeatedly) is "Listening for God" by Marilyn Hontz. As 2010 approaches I am reminded of something I read in her book about which I have been praying the latter part of this year. She writes the following in her book:

"[A friend] once encouraged me to spend time asking the Lord to give me a word or phrase that he would like to work on with me throughout the year... Every September I ask the Lord for the word or phrase that he would like me to work on the following year. Several ideas usually pop into my head right away. However, after I take time to wait on him, he always clarifies the word or phrase he desires. By January 1, I have a new word for the year, and it is always specifically for me."

This resonated with me, and I have been praying in recent months for that one word for 2010. I feel God has led me to the word "humility". Pride is a huge vice in my life and takes many different forms: self-righteous justification of my agenda, inability to admit wrong-doing and/or apologize for my errors, my sense of entitlement, wanting what I want when I want it, or just plain thinking I'm better than others whether I'm willing to admit it in so many words or not. I feel God is asking me to look at what His word says about humility, to look at how Jesus Christ lived and died according to this trait, and to repent of pride, turning to live a humble life. Here's the catch: I believe satan often makes me feel prideful about those times when I operate under humility. There are so many thousands of little ways he can play out pride in my life. So I prayerfully submit to what God wants to teach me this year about humility. And who knows, you may even read updates from time to time about where this path is taking me.

Happy 2010!

A Merry Christmas to all...

While I have carved out some time in past days to spend at the foot of the Master, I have NOT been carving out time to blog about it. I know you've really been missing my reflections. Today I am back with thoughts on Christmas.

Isaiah 9:6&7a - "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end."

This is by far my favorite "Christmas" verse, first of all, because in such times of economic turmoil and corrupt government, it is reassuring to be reminded of who truly governs all. I also love these verses because I feel they encompass key aspects of God's character.

Wonderful COUNSELOR: "But true wisdom and power are found in God; counsel and understanding are his." Job 12:13

"You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny." Psalm 73:24

"But the helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you." John 14:26

MIGHTY God: "O Lord God, you have only begun to show your servant your greatness and your mighty hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do such works and mighty acts as yours?" Deut. 3:24

"He is wise in heart and mighty in strength..." Job 9:4

"The Mighty One, God the Lord, speaks and summons the earth from the rising of the sun to its setting." Psalm 50:1

"..for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name." Luke 1:49

EVERLASTING FATHER: "Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - " John 1:12

"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty." Rev. 1:8

Prince of PEACE: "You know the message God sent to the people of Israel, telling the good news of peace through Jesus Christ, who is Lord of all." Acts. 10:36

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do no give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

What an awesome God we serve, to send Jesus Christ to this earth, not only to rescue us with his love and mercy from the consequences that our sin deserves, but also to give us a model of Himself which we can give praise to and seek to imitate in our own lives.

Merry Christmas to all!!

Today's reading reflected on the world into which Christ was born and how insignificant His birth probably was to that world in comparison to political and cultural issues that were happening. Not unlike today when the birth of our children, while a huge event to us and our extended families, makes no immediate impact on the world at large in comparison to war, recession, politics. And yet, while not acknowledged at the time, Christ's birth DID impact the world of his day and continues to impact even ours today. Enormously. Because of Christ's birth we HAVE a life, and we have an eternal future to anticipate.
This topic caused me to think about what kind of impact I am having on the world. It's unlikely that national newspapers will ever be splashing my name across the headlines (thank goodness), and residents of far-off countries (or even the majority of ours) will almost certainly never hear of me. But when God calls me home in His perfect timing, will I leave here having made an eternal difference in somebody's life? This is quickly becoming my greatest hope. I'm ashamed to admit it hasn't always been. If nothing else, I pray that my children are influenced to influence others in the name of Christ through my example. And in this way perhaps the world at large will, in the long run, be impacted by God's work through me.
I want to start thinking bigger - to eternity - and not be so temporily-minded.

Impossibilities

If, like me, you've grown up in the church (or, really, anywhere not under a rock) you're familiar with the account of Jesus' birth, including the heads-up given to Mary by the angel, Gabriel. We who know this story know about the fact that Mary was probably quite young and also a virgin, which makes the fact that she became pregnant the ultimate oxymoron. Luke 1:26-38, this account of Gabriel's appearance to Mary, ends with this exchange between the two:

Gabriel: For nothing is impossible with God. (This, after he has just announced that not only will she, a virgin, be giving birth to God's own Son but that her apparently old relative, Elizabeth, would also be giving birth to a significant figure in God's salvation plan).
Mary: I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said.

It's true that there could be details to this story that have been omitted in its telling (perhaps the part where Mary FREAKS out). As it is, all we're given is "Mary was greatly troubled", her question: "How will this be?", and then verse 38 where she appears to accept it all calmly and with an unshaken faith. That is the faith I desire to possess. One that does not rely on me, on the world's perception of "normal" (ie: virgins can't give birth), or anything outside of the unending possibilities that are within God's capabilities. That is the key verse that I believe God is asking me to grasp today: "For nothing is impossible with God." I'm no virgin about to give birth or anything, but I do have 3 young children who have tested every sane faculty I possess this week (not to mention the four years prior to this week). I have limited finances yet a desire to climb out of debt right now. I have people in my life battling illnesses that seem inconquerable and wrestling with deep-seated hurts. I see an unknown future stretching ahead of me. I fail daily at exercising the faith I know is possible and see in Mary. Yet NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD. Could it be any clearer? God humbled himself to become like us in all our fallen humanity. Yet he was not fallen. He took upon himself, through his Son, all of our brokeness and sin, so that we would not have to spend eternity seperated from His loving presence. He has already done the seemingly impossible. Now it's up to me to give up all my notions of what can be done and to surrender my will and control over my life.

There is no relevant title for this post since my brain is a little too fried to even come up with one. We're on day 5 of having two sick boys (JJ and Ben both have colds), and if you know me you know I'm not really used to being cooped up in my house for more than a day. So to be on the 4th day of cabin fever is really testing me. I literally cried out to God this morning to rescue me. Or at least fill me with the compassion and patience I am so desperately lacking. All that aside....
I caught a few brief moments this morning to meditate once again on this Advent season and to pray as well. I would like to interject here that something I feel is a continual work in progress for me is LISTENING as much as doing the talking. That's a real challenge for me. To get quiet enough to really sense what the Lord wants to say to me.
This morning's reading dealt with Santa's role in this whole Christmas season. Odd, I know. James and I did not grow up "celebrating" Santa, and our children aren't either. We don't really have anything against the guy, we just prefer to focus all of our energies on the true Reason for the Season, Jesus Christ. The author of my devotional made a good point that an important element of the incarnation of Christ into man was to redeem the secular. There is nothing on earth so profane that God cannot redeem it. He also referenced his own childhood and Santa's role in it, how this man was presented to him by his parents as one who was so filled with joy and love about the Savior's birth that he would go all around the world for the sole purpose of giving to others. And throughout his younger years Santa never clashed with his worship of Christ. It was almost an extension of it. Anyway, all this to say that the Claus was presented to me in a whole new light this morning, and I was also convicted by that statement that the incarnation was meant to redeem the secular. Truly, we have been created to be in the world but not of it, spreading the good news of our greatest Gift.

Backward and Upside Down

My Advent meditations from yesterday and today deal with two different topics and yet the same idea. Yesterday's reading came from Isaiah, and the meditation reflected on not only Judah's but also our need for a Savior. And this Savior came not as people expected: triumphant, kingly, with a sword in His fist. Instead He was lowly, clothed in human flesh, born of a woman. A baby. He became one of us to save us.
Today's meditation began by recounting the lineage of Jesus (which, for some reason this Christmas season, I keep coming across this geneology in different messages/sermons/meditations, etc.). The point was made that this lineage is full of unknowns, sinners, outsiders. There are a plethora of imperfect people leading down the line to Christ.
The idea that keeps coming back to me this Christmastime, no less so in the aforementioned readings, is that our God is not one who does things according to our human expectation. He is a God whose ways are so much higher than our ways and whose thoughts are so much higher than our thoughts. And, strangely, the older I get the more comfort I take in this thought. I don't want a God that I can understand and figure out because what kind of God would that make Him? Certainly not all-knowing, all-powerful, if puny me can dissect His ways and reasoning. I love that God blew open all expectations of the Messiah, all preconceived ideas of rescue and salvation by sending a tiny baby boy born in a cold, deserted stable, descended from a sordid line of truly human beings. This gives me a feeling of safety in His loving hands, during those times when life does not go along as I expect it to and as things do not work out according to my expectations, knowing that God's plan, though difficult for me to see and understand, will be perfectly executed in His time.

Accountability

With the creation of several other blogs, this one has clearly fallen to the wayside, but I've been inspired to start using it as a means of spiritual accountability. Why, after 32 years of life, I still fall short in the area of daily alone time with the Lord, I just do not know. Well, that's not entirely true. I do know. It's a product of my choices which often are not based on what is top priority but just top desire. So I hope to start making a daily record of what I feel God is saying to me through the reading of His word and time spent in prayer. Just knowing that I've put this in writing and that it's out and about in cyberspace where hopefully a few of you will read it will help in keeping me accountable. And so I begin....
This morning I began an Advent devotional which I have already found to be a powerful reminder of the true Reason for this Christmas season. The author, Jeffrey DeVries (the title is Unto Us a Child... if you're interested), shares his meditation on the question "What child is this?", the essential question leading into this Advent season. I could relate to his struggle to ask such a "hard" question as this, a question that must be answered not just with our head but with our whole being. And sometimes we don't like to ask those types of questions because we know it will require an answer that costs us. The question "What child is this?" leads us to the answer: our Savior. The God of heaven who chose to come to earth as one of us, wrapped up in a broken, fallible body. And why? Because of his GRACE. Recognizing and accepting that our God has made this sacrifice for us certainly requires something in return: our surrender. Surrendering our ways, desires, wishes, and will. Surrendering them once and for all. Killing them. Stone cold dead, in DeVries' words. Basking in the Lord's grace means that when I know the answer to "what child is this?", "I am called to do more than know the answer. I am called to live it." That is no easy task in a world so fallen as ours.
In preparation for the devotional, I read the suggested passage of Isaiah 40. I love this portion in the Bible for so many reasons! For one thing, many of the passages are set to music in Handel's Messiah, which is my absolute favorite selection of music this time of year. Secondly, there is so much encouragement from the Lord in these verses: particularly is verses 28 - 31 (for those of us raised in the faith, the well-known passage about soaring on wings like eagles). I was reminded again that my way is not hidden from the Lord. He sees me and knows my needs. He is a God of everlasting strength and is able to renew mine as I hope in Him. I was also encouraged by verses 17 and 23. In this time of political turmoil and disappointment wrought by our world leaders, it is a blessing to know that there is one more powerful than the president, one in better control than any dictator, king, or general. One who sees, knows, and directs all. Our Savior God. "Before him all nations are as nothing...He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing." I know He can also use these rulers for His purposes but the point is just that....HIS purposes. Not those of fallen man.
And to end today, I give you verses 10 and 11 which paints a dual picture of the God we serve, emphasizing both His power and His loving mercy:
"See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power, and his arm rules for him. See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him. He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."
As a mom I am particularly blessed today by that last part, knowing that He gently leads me as I strive to gently lead my young.

Open-minded

I recently (ok, today) reached my limit with the term "open-minded" probably because it was coming from someone who I feel is decidedly NOT. I know some people I dearly love will get nervous to hear me railing on this term, so let me be clear on my beef with the whole issue. I believe open-minded is an ambiguous term that is more often than not used by people because they believe it gives the impression they are tolerant. And, of course, what could be more important than being tolerant of one and all in this day and age of "anything goes" and "whatever works for you"? What I really think this term indicates is that these same people feel safe saying whatever the heck they want about anyone they want without regard for consequences. Consequences of offending or hurting anyone and their particular beliefs because, gee whiz, if I'M offending YOU then clearly you are not open-minded! You want to disagree with me? Fine. I have no problem with that. But do not consistently belittle, demean, and otherwise insult me and my beliefs. And also I think these people feel free of accountability. They don't need to be nailed down to any one belief in particular because they're open to everything. That way there are no consequences, really, to their words and actions because they're open-minded and that should mean anything goes. What does open indicate? Openness. Ok. Like....a door in my house? Am I just going to leave my front door wide open because I want to be accepting of everyone? Sure, burglar, come on in. I don't discriminate. Welcome, pedophile, mi casa es su casa. Puh-lease. In the same way, I don't open my mind to absolutely all things that come across the cerebral cortex. I will say with no apologies that I don't have a very open mind to drugs. Sorry, I'm a bit too attached to my body and my brain and their proper functioning. I would also admit to not being open to prostitution as a means of making ends meet. Guess that would make me intolerant. I'm exaggerating the point, I realize, but do you catch my drift at all? It's absurd to claim to be open-minded to all things because even if you feel you are open-minded, chances are you are so critical of people who are not that you tend to be close-minded to them and their points of view. Now, should we be open to accepting PEOPLE regardless of their status, station, choices, or beliefs in life? Absolutely. Do I drop the ball on doing that every single day of my life? Unfortunately, absolutely. While I am asking God for the humility that I so lack, I seem to keep screwing that up. Anyway...what I would submit to you is that, rather than being so proud of being open-minded, could we try just administering a little respect? Respectfully disagreeing, even? Acknowledging that there are some absolute truths in the world and anything shouldn't just "go"? While I realize that there are some out there who would just label me an intolerant, hypocritical, Jesus-freak, I'm going to lay it out here anyway....Jesus IS my absolute truth. His example, His heavenly Father, His words - I will be intolerant, I'm afraid, of any other way that the world tells me to go. Am I intolerant of you, as a person? I really don't think so. Am I often intolerant of your beliefs (or attack on MY beliefs) that rub me the wrong way? Probably. And that I do need to work on. I am reminded of this, and go forward in my life praying to make it more true than what it has been up to this point: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18.

Awesome

If you want to try to grasp the awesomeness of our Creator God, go to www.hubblesite.org and take a look at the picture gallery. Talk about blowing your mind...

Faith

My faith has been tested in recent months, not by anything earth shattering like life or death, but by nevertheless significant issues such as financial strain and pregnancy with an unexpected third child while my youngest is not yet a year. So I've been giving faith a lot of thought. A couple of months ago I was tackling these worries on my own, making myself physically and emotionally ill, laying awake nights (late, late nights), not being of any real benefit to my spouse, children, or probably others who know me. And then I had a middle-of-the-night experience where God entered the room with me and sat on that rumpled mess of a tossed and turned-through bed and poignantly confronted me with this thought: "You either trust me or you don't". I stand convicted. See, I had been picking and choosing where I could depend on God with my life. The things that were easy to let go of He could have, and the things that were huge and rocking my world I preferred to hold onto and nurse into a writhing mass of boiling worry. Immediately as I accepted this truth of the Lord's, I felt my hold on these things in my life loosen and give way. Because I do trust Him - I want and need to trust Him.

I see our faith journey hit three different stages:
We take our first step of faith, trusting God with our lives and giving them over to Him. Then accepting that "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Heb. 11:1 Doesn't that sum up the Christian faith? We are constantly battling the hopelessness and seen "sureties" of this world against our very real but unseen almighty God. And what is our ultimate hope? That God is on the throne - he is holy, loving, and in control.
As we work to live out this faith, it should permeate EVERY area of our lives - ALL circumstances. In my life the verse that best sums up this part of the journey is Philippians 4:6 - "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." As one who has faith in the Lord, anxiety should not be part of my vocabulary. Rather, trusting Him through prayer and beyond that, giving thanks, should be my M.O. This is where the rubber meets the road - day in and day out, do I trust Him or do I succumb to my anxiety? Do I exalt him with thanksgiving or nurse my wounds?
Finally, I believe that through acting on this faith through thankful prayer, our eyes are opened to the fact that "God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline" (1 Tim. 1:7). That has become my mantra in stressful or anxious times, or times when I am losing my temper or unhappy with life's circumstances, etc. etc. God has NOT given me a spirit of fear/timidity but of POWER to combat the devil and this world's schemes, and of LOVE for those around me, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE to spiritually grow into the woman God desires for me.

So as those verses and steps of the journey have been unfolded for me, I thank God that He loves me enough to pull me up out of the quagmire of my own mind and plant me on the firmer ground of His word.

Stewardship

"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." - Matthew 25:23

The idea of stewardship has been on my heart and mind more than ever lately; it's something about which I've become increasingly convicted throughout the past several years. As it relates to money, our family will be transitioning back down to one income, so it's an obvious time to evaluate how faithful we are being. As far as our gifts and talents, we are experiencing a few months of rest from involvement in too many things, so it seems like a natural time, as well, to revisit what God has instilled in us to use. I also find with more time at my discretion now because of the end of my teaching duties, I need to think about what I'm doing with this time and how it's spent. In my mind, these are the three main areas that we are required to be faithful servants - they guide and direct every area of life.
I don't feel that many of my first 30 years of life here on earth have been faithfully spent in these areas. My heart is especially burdened with how I have chosen to use money in my life. Proverbs states that the borrower is servant to the lender (22:7) and increasingly God has convicted me of that fact. I am tired of debt hanging over my head with no end in sight. Student loans, cars, home, credit cards.....it's a burden, and I know God did not intend for our lives to be lived in this way. What gives me hope is that God has truly opened my eyes to His design for my life, and I know that when I faithfully commit to becoming a wise steward, He will provide the way out of this bondage.
I know that one day each of us will stand before the Lord to give an account of how we've spent our lives and the resources entrusted to us: time, energy, money/materials, gifts and talents. On that day, what do I want to say to him? Well, right now I seem to only come up with lame excuses for the ways in which I've failed, but what I WANT to be able to say to him, along with the faithful servants in Matthew 25 is: Master, loving Father, you entrusted to me material goods: a home, money, things well beyond my daily needs. See, I used them to heal your sick, feed and house your poor, hospitably entertain those you brought to me. I cared for and faithfully administered all gains you saw fit to put into my care. Master, you entrusted me with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, for ___________ years. See, I used this time to draw closer to you in order to better reflect your image and to act and speak in such a way that glory was brought to your name. Father, you entrusted to me gifts/talents/passion for service, music, prayer, and the written word. See, I have used them to the fullest, showing others your love in the process. I have lived a life of love and thanksgiving, prioritizing/spending/living wisely, always longing for your return and my homecoming.
And what do I long to hear the master say to me in return? Simply, "Well done, good and faithful servant..Come and share your master's happiness. "
For now, I close in peace, praising God for opening my eyes, and trusting Him to help me bear the burden of responsibility for what he has given into my care on this earth.

Hunger

Oh God, I hunger & thirst for your righteousness, and you have said in your word that those who do so will be filled. I desire for your word to be living and active within me but am frustrated, then, by my inaction. I am so often only a hearer and not a doer of your word. Rather than be fed by the rich abundance of spiritual nourishment you have laid out for me, I limp along in life sustained only by my own table scraps.
Ah, Paul, you so mightily hit the proverbial nail on the head by saying, "I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." (Romans 7:18b).

Weakness

"'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.




There is nothing that makes you feel more weak than trying to "do it all". Week #2 has been completed of my return to being a full-time working mom times two. This is not to mention the wife/daughter/friend, etc. parts of my personality. Overall the transition has been a smooth one. We have successfully exited the house by 6:30 nearly every morning (in large part to my hubby's assistance - what a man) and the work load has felt mostly manageable (of course, now much of my spring break will surely be spent catching up on grading). But I have had to continually admit my weaknesses in these past weeks which is no easy task for a perfectionist. There is no way to do it all and do it all well. God didn't design us this way. But it's difficult for me to feel out of control of areas of my life. Which is why the 2 Corinthians verse is a refreshing way for me to view life. To take JOY in my personal weaknesses as well as the hardships that God allows because it's not about me anyway. It's about bringing the Lord His due glory, whether in smooth times or rough. Easier said than done. But I understand where Paul is coming from in these verses. It seems all too easy to give God a pat on the back for blessing us and move along our merry way when life is all rosy and smooth sailing. It is during the hardships and weak moments that we truly understand His grace and admit that we cannot do it alone. And the true joy comes from knowing that we are not alone in this walk through life. I feel like this is all very easy to say in the context of my life now, when personal hardships are minimal. But I hope, when the rubber meets the road, I will see that God has been shaping me to be "content in any and every situation" (Phil. 4:12) - doing everything through Him who gives me strength.


My favorite devotional is "Streams in the Desert". This excerpt from one of the daily meditations has stuck with me as I often feel that as Christians we feel it is up to us to DO, DO,DO:


" Straining and striving does not accomplish the work God gives us to do. Only God Himself, who works without stress and strain and who never overworks , can do the work He assigns to His children. When we restfully trust Him to do it, the work will be completed and done well. And the way to let Him do His work through us is to fully abide in Christ by faith that He fills us to overflowing. There is no straining effort in an overflowing life , and it is quietly irresistable."


I desire the quietly irresistable life that is filled to overflowing. A life that is filled with imperfections so that my gaze might be turned more fully to Christ and His power. And it begins day by day by embracing the hardships and weaknesses that God has allowed for His purposes.

The grass is always greener

Phew - welcome to 2008. Finally time to take a little breather and reflect. Because I have been on two wildly different ends of the "pace of life" spectrum this year, it's something that's been prominently on my heart. For the first several months of the 2007 - 08 school year our life was crazy, non-stop, out of control. I often would answer the "how are you" question with "hanging in there" rather than the expected, requisite answer of "fine", simply because it summed up so much better my mental state. In truth, a more accurate summary of my mental state was "hanging by one rapidly-fraying thread". School, of course, was the main culprit of my harried existence. Teaching, planning, grading, committees/meetings, dealing with issues of all mental/social/emotional states with my students, etc. sucked up a lot of mental and physical energy. Add to that church involvement, family, and being pregnant to top it all off and it made for a crazy ride.

Enter one baby on Dec. 10 to bring life to a screeching halt. Never mind that he was two weeks early, giving birth puts the brakes on any and all "normal" aspects of life.

Which brings me here, to being the stay-at-home mom (for another 6 weeks anyway). What an opposite experience! I now can focus most of my time and energy on my own family rather than other people's. There is such relief in that. It has been a welcome reprieve, albeit challenging in a different sense as I struggle to find the balance between myself as "me" and myself as "mom".

But what I continue to explore, even with life chugging along at a very different pace than the first 5 months of the school year, is why we as the human race submit to the busyness that this life and the culture seems to lay out as the norm. I have talked with countless colleagues and friends about life as we know it and the primary reaction I gauge is one of dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction with the sense that their life is a train running completely out of control; one which jumped the tracks of their expectations a long time back, and which they have no clue how to bring back under a reasonable rein. It's commonly held in our society that faster and quicker and more is better. But the reality seems to be that less is more. I have felt a drought in my soul from living this kind of life: one which never stops and where my brain must always be on to the next thing even when my body can't keep up. Who is benefiting from this lifestyle? Not my colleagues or students. They simply reap the affects of my shortened temper and mediocre work. Not my family. They get a sullen, exhausted wife and mother. Not my friends or extended family who often, I think, assume I've fallen off the face of the earth since I'm completely MIA. And not the Lord, who I claim to represent in all things. Who sees Christ when I'm ill-tempered, worn out, and frazzled? So I'm ready to say STOP.

To that end, I have decided to end my teaching career......again......for now. I am stretched too thin to fairly continue educating the children of western Chicago and 'burbs. I am also contemplating other "noble" obligations that maybe need to get kicked to the curb. I think that, all in all, I need to take this blessed time to revisit the mission that God may have prepared for me. To use this as a Sabbath space from activity and determine where my energies are best used, what passions I need to put into practice, what my mission is, if you will. So stay tuned for that......

"Image is what people think we are; integrity is what we really are."
- John Maxwell

Home at last

After 12 months in Iraq (and countless others in training) Jon finally arrived home on Friday!!! Just a few pics to commemorate the day.

From left: Jon (in the back center), Jeran clapping for his uncle Jon, Melissa and Jon reunited at last!, JJ welcoming his uncle home