Mission

So much of my life seems to be lived in the future. "When we are in a nicer, bigger house...", "When the next baby comes....", "When summer is here and I can be home with JJ....", "When our church gets its act together...", "When we decide where it is we really want to settle down and put permanent roots....". I live so much in the past as well, nostalgically reminiscing about people, places, events in my life that have impacted me. The question I now find myself faced with is, "What about today???" Lately I will come to the end of a day and visions of Christ returning will bounce around in my brain, and I feel....panic. Not peace...panic. Because I have to confront myself with the fact that I did not truly live this day to its fullest in the name of Jesus Christ. I was too busy pondering what I'll do tomorrow. That is scary to me, that I would fear meeting my Savior face to face because I don't feel confident I will hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
Also, this world captures me up in its ugly arms far too often. The materialism that we are bombarded with essentially every second of our lives sucks me in like a black hole of avariciousness (ok, I TOTALLY used the Microsoft Word thesaurus to come up with that word....isn't it fun? Now go look it up; you know you want to :) ). But it's no wonder, when I lose focus and allow myself to be bounced around from one want and misplaced desire to another.
I always think I'll pull it together when I finally am where I am "supposed" to be and will there fulfill the mission I'm "supposed to have", but it was pointed out to me this weekend (thanks for this wisdom, Robs) that perhaps that's backwards. First I need to recognize what the mission of my life is. What is God calling me to do with my life, and where is He specifically calling me to lay my allegiance? I have all of these obligations in my life, but how many of them are drastically misplaced? Not to say that God can't use any of my well-intended actions or acts of service, but to me the rubber really hits the road in whether I am fulfilling His call in my life day-to-day. And I desire so much to recognize what specific mission God has placed in my life. I desire to see him work today through me and not in some far-off future. To me, the intentional Christ-likeness with which I live out my daily tasks must be the measure of my success as a Christian, far above any grand gestures of service that may come to pass once every three years, or in this far-off future. I am working on developing a life mission statement and, by God's grace, I will see this life a little clearer and be His faithful servant daily.

Struggles

Well clearly last week was not full of warm fuzzies for me. :) It's been a difficult time, and I can't put my finger on why. It is truly a valley experience right now. I can't say I know what depression feels like, but I have to believe this comes close. It's been many consecutive days where I am hit with waves of inexplicable sadness; I'm unmotivated, restless, dissatisfied, anxious, tearful, and prayerful. I wish I could say, ABOVE ALL, prayerful, but that hasn't been the case and certainly that's part of the problem. There seem to be so many moments lately when I feel unable to pray. I can't find the words to express myself, even to the Lord. Thankfully, His Holy Spirit translates and intercedes for me when I cannot. How thankful I have become for that. I can say that things this week have been better, but once in awhile it will hit me again. I know there are times when our faith is put through the fire to be purified, and I just have to believe that this is being allowed in my life for that purpose. I choose not to question God about why. The bigger question I have, along with the psalmist, is how long? And, really, it's absurd for me to say that. There are people who have really and truly struggled with depression for months....YEARS! I know some of them. So I feel like a crybaby in a way to be bent out of shape about a week and a half of melancholy. Anyway......
Part of the cause, I think, is my job. While there are so many rewards to teaching, it also comes with a burdened heart. I feel like I have nothing left in my bag of tricks to reach these kids. It can literally feel like standing in front of a brick wall and trying to enlighten it. I know I am blessed to be teaching in a private institution in a wealthy area. I'm quite sure I wouldn't last an hour in a Chicago public school. But in some ways I feel like the challenge is greater. How do I shake these kids out of their complacency? For many of them, they have had everything handed to them all of their life, no questions asked. They have also been entertained every day of their life from the first. Many more have had the Gospel spoon-fed to them from the cradle. So now they are 11 years old and in my classroom each day. And when they are asked to glean information from a textbook they sigh (or even audibly groan); when they are asked to take responsibility for their work, they shrug; when challenged (I hope) with a new idea about their faith....blank stares. There's anxiety, ADHD, divorce, uninterest, lack of motivation. Where do I begin? How do I help them to care? What do I need to do that I am not doing?? And where do I begin about the respect factor? A great number of students aren't asked to hold their teachers in absolute authority . When a decision is made that they don't like they argue!! ARGUE! I would have crapped my pants if I or any other child had argued with a teacher! I don't know. I don't want to place any blame because that's just a futile attempt to avoid the problem. I know that I am so thankful for the few students I could name off the top of my head that really care; that genuinely want to do their best, are content but not satisfied to remain with the status quo. Maybe what I'm looking for is little adults? But I don't think so. I think what I really desire is to see growth and effort, something that shouldn't be a stretch at this age. I pray everyday for wisdom and discernment. I pray God will give me the words to speak and the right response to all situations. I pray he will guide me to recognize who needs my help and how to give it, and now I need to pray that he will help me to let go that which is not in my control. I know that I only have these kids for 9 months out of their life. I cannot reach all of them to their core and cause a turnaround for each one. I can only do what one human ( combined with the strength of God) can do. But darn, it gets frustrating.

Warring Soul

Inpenetrable, shadowed fog envelopes my soul
Chokes the lifeblood from its source.
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?*
Crouching down in misery I am folded in upon myself
A labyrinth of tangled emotions
My head is covered, eyes closed, ears blocked,
Heart stopped
How long will You hide your face from me?
Wave upon wave of thought crashing upon me,
Sorrow without warning
Unable to cry out, as if trapped in a dream,
Incapable of forming words, like a toddler,
Stagnant: physically, emotionally, spiritually,
One indecipherable mass
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
swirling throngs of my own jealousy, stubbornness, and malcontent
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes; or
my enemy will say, "I have overcome her," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
Why can I not muster the faith to say......
I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

*from Psalm 13
************************************************************************************************** The Waiting Room by Shane and Shane

I will run when I cannot walk
I will sing when there is no song
I will pray when there is no prayer
I will listen when I cannot hear

Sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice I know;
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so I sit in the waiting room of silence
cause it's all about You

I will fight when I cannot feel
I will trust when You don't seem real
I will tell when I cannot speak
I will step when I cannot see

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so I sit in the waiting room of silence

cause I'm in love with You

Duh...

So..did I forget, like, the second most important commandment in my blog yesterday or what? I think it's rather telling to have left off that God can work on me in a real way when I "love others as [myself]". I think that often I am very self-focused and self-centered and again, I may receive assurances that this is very normal; to be expected from a working wife and mother. I don't buy that, though. God placed people first; His relationship with us was important enough to excruciatingly experience death on a cross; damnation by default - experiencing hell on my behalf. Why should I pawn off my time for others on lame excuses?


On a TOTALLY seperate note...what is it with nostalgia, man? Oh my goodness...sometimes I will hear a song from back in the day, read an old journal entry, visit a place, and for a moment I can't even breathe, I am so transported to a different time. I wish so much sometimes that i had a time machine and could go and be an objective bystander in my own life; that i could experience things again, and yes, sometimes do things over. Specific examples? I have none at the moment. But I can tell you that nostalgia is a feeling both bitter and sweet for me. Bitter in the sense that I can never get those times back that are captured in my memory for all times; sweet in the sense that I wouldn't have it any other way. make sense? Didn't think so. :)

Authenticity

You heard it here first, folks. I'm a big fat phony.
Whoa! What? you say. And then follows an endless string of reassurances that I am not, in fact, a phony. Everyone has their issues, their struggles, etc. etc.
But each of us is phony on some level, and how can we break that cycle if we will not let each other be real?
What our country (and I include myself in this obviously) has lost is a sense of authenticity. It's all about appearances. Everything must appear to be in order in our lives. And in the Christian community I think this phenomenon rears it's ugly head even more so. What kind of Christian would I be if every area of my life was not swept clean? And even though we know that this really is absurd and an impossible standard, we still strive for it. We still don't dare take that leap of really putting out there what we are struggling with and being real. That's why, too, I think our society has become so drawn in on itself. We dont' reach out to each other anymore. And if we do, it's only to people we are comfortable and safe with. WHY are we so scared to be ourselves? Our true selves? With all the ugliness attached. I can tell you why for me: I am afraid of rejection for one thing. Of people telling me what I feel or say is ridiculous, untrue, stupid. I'm afraid of the people I love most changing their perspectives of me and losing respect. I'm afraid of being a misrepresentation of Christ. Of having my beliefs challenged and not being able to defend them, and therefore having my phony self "outed" for all to see. Well, guess what, people. I'm putting it out there right now. I don't have all the answers. I feel like I should after almost 30 years of claiming to be a Christian. But after almost 30 years I still feel like I"m on the hamster wheel going nowhere. Oh sure, I've made some baby steps along the way. I have a much more real sense of who God is and know that He is in my life. I just don't pursue him in a real way. I do the things that I feel are expected of me as a Christian, while in my mind I am caught up in so many other worldly things. Material things. Emotional things. Doing what I think a Christian should do and saying what a Christian should say. It's beyond scary to put that out there. For myself, it makes me feel like less of a person, or perhaps like too much of a person. But maybe it is the starting point for God to work on me in a real way. His way. What does this look like? One idea I have comes from Mark 12:30 - "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength..." Pastor Neal broke it down this way: with all your mind: thoughtfully - focusing my attention on God ; with all your heart and soul: passtionately - expressing my affection for God; with all my strength: practically - using my abilities for God. What else might open the way for God to work in me? Getting rid of my anxiety (1 Peter 5:7), praying without ceasing/constant conversation with Him (1 Thessalonians 5:17), choosing joy in all things (Phil. 4:4), being broken and open to His will (Psalm 51:17). I'm sure the list could go endlessly on. It's a battle against my own self and my vicious need to protect my own rep and image. But as I allow God to gently peel back these layers of myself in secret, I can only pray that He will also give me the strength and humility to wear myself in public as well.

Random Reflections of an Educator

My earliest recollection of my desire to teach comes from when I was, I don't know, six or seven years old maybe. In the aluminum shed in my backyard I had set up a schoolroom, where Jon and the Bosch girls from two doors down would come to "learn". What I can't recall are my true notions of what teaching really was. I suppose I loved the sense of control (control-freak from the cradle), being in charge, directing where the "lessons" would go. Perhaps I was drawn to the idea of being around books and kids all day long. All I know is that starting in those early days of "teaching", I knew unconsciously that a teacher I would be. Then I began growing up through the elementary grades and had teachers I adored and who cemented in me that awe-struck idea of educating: Mrs. Bushouse in kindergarten, Mrs. VanMeeteren in second grade, Mr. Avink in fourth grade. Middle - high school is a blur in regard to my educational journey. I think during those years I was just trying to survive (as you often do in that stage of life) and didn't give much thought to the future. But once college was upon me, I never gave a conscious thought to deciding what career path I would pursue, never tossed and turned over declaring my major: elementary education, without a thought. I don't recall now what my perception of this career path really and truly was. All I can say now is what teaching is. And it is.....

• responsibility: complete responsibility for twenty-plus young minds. And not just their minds. Their spirits, self-perceptions, and behavior as well. Twenty-plus children who are unequivocally different academically, emotionally, physically, spiritually.....in every way imaginable really. It's absurd sometimes when I think of it that I am put in charge of moving them forward, then, in each of these areas, in the way that each of them uniquely needs.
• frustration: with students who have no sense of responsibility for or pride in their work, who lack respect not only for their fellow students, but for their teachers and even themselves.
• impatience: with parents who refuse to give their child's teacher the benefit of the doubt and who do their children no favors by fighting all of their battles and making excuses for their carelessness or laziness.
• fatigue: complete and utter tiredness at the end of the each day, especially in the mind.
• anxiety: over what steps to take to fulfill each child's needs; worry that I am not giving each child the absolute best that he/she deserves; fear that I am looked at to have all the answers when most times I don't even know the question
• doubt: that anything I am doing is making a difference at all. I wonder often how long I will serve in this profession before I finally have absolute confidence. And then I talk to a veteran, twenty-plus year teacher, expressing doubt about her abilities, and I realize we'll never feel that what we are doing is good enough. Is this what keeps driving us to be better/do better?

And it is also.....

• love: so deep for each child that the idea of letting them go at the end of the year squeezes my chest a little tighter.
• exhileration: especially when they succeed, when the proverbial light-bulb fires to life, when I have had some small part in bringing them there
• amazement: at their abilities and perceptions; at their innocence and candid points-of-view; at their imagination and creation
• pride: in the manifestation of their abilities; at the growth in their responsibility, academics, spirituality, social interaction
• respect: for parents who expect nothing less than their children's best and who are wise enough to know what that looks like; who gently correct, respectfully listen to, and greatly encourage me as the teacher.
• a complete work of God: The Lord is our loving Instructor and oh-so-different fromthis earth-centered teacher. When His "students" fail, He never hesitates to get down alongside them and then lift them up; when they are careless, He often allows them to make the mistake and lovingly corrects, but quickly forgives and presents a fresh opportunity to do better; when His precious children (for really I see my students as "my" children) are so stubborn and dead-set on the wrong path, He is patient; He guides and directs in His subtle and loving way but ultimately leaves the decision to choose the right path up to them.

How different would each day be if I could only put aside my expectations, ideas, philosophies and cling to the examples of our ultimate Teacher. Oh God, I desire it. Teach ME, Lord. Mold me like clay in your hands that I might be a reflection only of you for my children to see.

The Whys and Wherefores

God, I have absolute confidence in your ability to do ALL things that we ask. It is whether you will choose to do it or not that trips me up. Lord, "I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

The Faithful One (by Selah w/ Christy Nockles)

I find no hope within to call my own
For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone
But deep within my soul is rising up a song
Here in the comfort of the
Faithful One

I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground on mountains steep
And tho' with feet unsure I still keep pressing on
For I am guided by the Faithful One

CHORUS:
Faithful, faithful to the end
My true and precious Friend
You have been faithful, faithful
So faithful to me

I see Your wounded hands,
I touch your side
With thorns upon your brow
You bled and died
But there's an empty tomb,
a love for all who come
And give their hearts to You,
the Faithful One

And when the day is dawned
and when the race is run
I will bow down before God's only Son
And I will lift my hands in praise for all You've done
And I will worship You, my Faithful One

Parenting is not for sissies

How many times have I heard this statement and chuckled? So true, so true, I always laugh to myself. Lately, though, it has really hit home with me. As my baby grows into a toddler and begins to exhibit facets of his very own God-given personality and human will, I realize that this child is not only an extension of myself, he is his own person! And with that comes desires, likes/dislikes, and sometimes just plain old strong-willed stubbornness as he strives to work through and communicate to us his personality. More than anything else right now I just desire to raise a child who is respectful, polite, and God-fearing. Is that so much to ask? Apparently. One battle we did tonight really turned on the light for me about how I've been failing my child in this area. Why is it as parents that we struggle so much with discipline? As a teacher, I encounter children daily who have obviously been allowed to rule the roost at home, and , quite frankly, they are not turning out to be the nicest of kiddos. Perhaps Mom and Dad indulged a little too frequently with wants and desires (not unheard of with the influential status of my school community). Maybe Mom and Dad experienced unreasonable rigidity as they grew up and vowed never to rule their offspring with an iron fist. Who knows the reason. What I do know is that giving anyone the unlimited desires of their heart does not an angel make. I also see kids who have no idea what it means to treat others (including authority) with any form of respect. Sometimes these same kids don't really have any idea what it means to respect themselves either. It breaks my heart because what kind of adults will they grow into? Where will they learn the lessons of perseverance, hard work, sacrifice, selfless love if not from the adults who influence their life and behaviors from their first breath? I can say that I've seen many adults who lack respect and follow-through, so it's safe to say that some behaviors, once learned, can't be lost. (Maybe can but won't). I have always been the type of person who stands in line at the grocery store and wants to come out of my skin when a parent battles with their children over the "gimmes". For a short time they do well with holding out and then eventually, when their child is screaming or whining shrilly to the level of breaking glass, they give in. I cringe! I inwardly protest! Don't do it! And yet, in past months, I have seen myself traveling down that path. Among my excuses are: He's too young to know better; he'll think I don't love him; he'll be hurt and angry with me. All of them excuses for WIMPS! Tonight it flashed clearly to me as my child and I went through a 45 minute battle of wills and I realized finally: where will this child learn respect if not from me (and my husband, of course). Who else will demand of him right behavior, which, if not delivered, will result in absolute consequences? Where will this child have modeled for him right from wrong? What environment will this child be immersed in where someone will love him too much to allow him to disrespect? Who else will care enough about his character to direct him onto the right path with a solid Moral Compass? When else in his life will he be as primed to begin learning the lessons and truths of Christian behavior than right now? My child's self-esteem is not at stake, his entire Christian character is. And that, by far, is more important to me.
And so I calmly battled with my child and expected nothing less than appropriate, respectful behavior. And he was pissed. But for once, I did not feel frazzled and ready to snap. I felt God's peace and his hand on my shoulder as he lovingly looked down on my child and foresaw some future circumstance in which my child would instinctively act out rightly because his mom (and dad) would expect nothing less, and His heavenly Father would not either.
How much more, then, does God demand right attitudes and behavior of us? What clearer guidelines could he have offered than His Word? As a loving parent should, he does not always give us the immediate desires of our heart. He sometimes lets us kick and scream and flail around until we painfully realize that His way is best, and He loves us too much to settle for anything less from us than total surrender.

This is from a daily devotional I get sent over email. It fights so nicely with my blog theme that I thought I would post it here:


October 15 A word with a great history by Selwyn Hughes
Philippians 4:1-9"... the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds ..." (v.7)
We pass now from considering love and joy to the third fruit of the Spirit -- peace. The order is an inspired one: first, love -- love is preeminent; then joy -- joy comes as a result of love; and then peace -- peace is joy grown quiet and assured. A preacher once drew a comparison between joy and peace: "Joy is peace with its hat thrown high in the air and peace is joy with its arms folded in serene assurance." How beautiful!William Barclay says that the word "peace" (Greek: eiriene) came into the New Testament with a great history. It is a translation of the Hebrew word shalom, meaning peace. In classical Greek, "peace" was mainly negative, implying freedom from war or hostilities, but in the New Testament, the word gathers up positive elements such as are seen in shalom. The central meaning is serenity and harmony. "Peace" occurs eighty-eight times in the New Testament, and it appears in every book. This makes the New Testament a book of peace.
The peace of which we are speaking here is not something that can be manufactured. We cannot make it -- any more than we can make the other fruit of the Spirit. It is divinely and supernaturally given -- a glorious consequence of God's presence in the soul. Jesus knew this kind of peace and He offers the same serenity to every one of His disciples: "My peace I give to you ... Let not your hearts be disquieted or timid" (John 14:27, Moffatt). Remember this -- when you remain in Him, you have access to a peace that not only passes understanding -- but all misunderstanding also.
Prayer:
Father, I am conscious that the peace You desire to give me is a peace that reaches down to the depths of my being. Help me to open up those depths to You today. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
For Further Study
Psa. 55:1-23; 29:11; 119:1651. What was the heart-cry of the psalmist?2. What was God's promise to him?

Humble home

So tonight I took a small detour home and drove through my "dream suburb", the place where I would most like to live, and I gawked at the houses I'd love to live in and coveted wildly. I felt an uneasiness as I did this, a feeling I've felt before when I ponder the nice, neatly packaged life I'd love to have. Living in the house of my dreams, in a beautiful suburb with the beautiful people, with elegant cars in the 3-stall garage (because of course J would need to have a space for his tools and toys) and plenty of money to go around. It's not unheard of in the areas that I live and work; lots of people have achieved this (or at least give off the appearance of having done so). So it often does not feel out of my league to desire this. However, as I mentioned above, an unsettled feeling fills my gut when I dream this way. And tonight, as I drove down the neatly cared-for streets of Downers Grove it struck me that God may never have that life in store for me. Oh sure, in my head I've realized this a million times over, but truly in my heart I've still thought that it could be in the cards for me. And, quite honestly, it could be. But perhaps God has me right where he wants me. In a house that is more than adequate for our needs, in a "slightly" less affluent town with the working class people, and very nice, well-running cars in our one-stall garage (which, come winter, we will fight over). Perhaps God knows that if I move into this dream life I won't feel the need to rely on Him quite as heavily, I won't be kept humble by having way more than I need (which in many respects is already the case). God might have a mission for me right where I am that would not be accomplished or noticed in DG or any other place for that matter. He could have incredible plans for me in the life I already have and instead I waste precious minutes and energy looking forward to the life I possibly could have but probably won't. This is not to say that I can't want to move "up" in the world or that I think it's wrong to dream about a little nicer house in a little nicer neighborhood. But how much more well-spent would my thoughts and actions be putting energy into the life I have? Lord, you have blessed me richly. Forgive my selfish, discontented heart. Teach me to number my days aright that I may gain a heart of wisdom (Ps. 90:12).

Random side note!!! My hubby and I have talked before about how you often don't recognize the character traits in yourself that could use improvement, shall we say? Or, in other words, that might totally rub people the wrong way. I think I have recognized one in myself: I have a tendency to make short stories verrrrry long. I have a penchant for adding way too much detail. Just interesting, I thought. We'll see if I recognize it enough to change....smile.

Surviving and Thriving

Well, I have survived almost a full month of being back at school, which also means a full month of being a working mom and wife. I cannot believe how different teaching is this time around. I actually love it! Before, people would ask, and I would say, oh yes I love my job. What a crock. I dreaded it everyday. Well, not everyday, but alot. And now it is so rewarding! But it is also so challenging. This first month has been great but now suddenly the dread of how much time I'm spending away from son and how that will affect him is setting in. I don't know. It has been so wonderful and yet today my heart is heavy. And I know it has more to do with circumstances outside of my work life but that peace I am so intent on pursuing is missing today. I suppose that means I'm not whole-heartedly pursuing it then. Lord knows my spiritual life has taken a back seat to all other things and that is, of course, when my engine is running on empty. I should not question feeling weary and worn down when I am not fully plugged in to the Source of Life. I really long to thrive in and not just survive these days. I desire to live them to the fullest but there is so much demanded of me in so many areas of my life that I don't necessarily feel like I do any of it adequately. Which lends itself to the point my ever-wise hubby made about the fact that men may not be able to multi-task but, darn it, when they're doing only one thing they do it WELL. :) (so true for you, honey, so true) I think that is true for me. I try to do a lot of things and I desire to do them well (truthfully, I desire to do them perfectly) and it's just not humanly possible. I started out the school year with such an attitude of, I'm only going to do what it is possible for me to do in a day and only with God's help, but more and more I find myself reverting back to my ingrained mindset of doing it all and doing it without flaw....or assistance. That insults God, I think, that I should try to bear the weight of my life on my own shoulders and without His help. That proves nothing to Him, only that I am still a weak and stubborn child, limping along on my own. And so I give you this life yet again, Lord, and ask that you make it yours and not my own. Whatever comforts I am clinging to, break me of them, and whatever merits I may foolishly give myself, humble me with the truth...Your truth.

I'm a parent?!!! Aack!

Ok, so VERY randomly I stumbled across a TON of my old students' myspace.com pages. It was at least a 60 minute experience that brought me through the great labryinth of "so-and-so's Friends". What did I learn out of this hour of my life? I must PRAY LIKE CRAZY for my children. Oy ve. In a way I am soooo tempted to send an anonymous note to each parent including the link to their child's site. I am hard pressed to believe that these kids are posting any of these blogs, messages, songs with their parents knowledge much less approval. Of course, what good would that do really? It is, I suppose, the 21st century way for them to express themselves, connect, discover who they are. It's scary though. The things that are going on and mostly in a Christian school. And it's eye-opening to me to see them put in their profiles that they are Christians and love God and then to see some of the profanities/sexual innuendos/references to parties that go into their chat time. I guess what' most eye-opening is the flashback I get to my own teen years (the late ones in particular as I was stuck in geekdom for much of the early ones....well, it's debatable that I'm still stuck there depending who you talk to). I may not have been on the party scene but I partook in many other conversations/activities that God no doubt frowned upon. The outside observer most certainly would have heard my claims to be a Christian, aka Christ-like, and looked at my walk and guffawed loudly before turning away convinced that Christianity is a hoax. The thing is I know many of these kids have been raised in the same environment I was: loving, Christian, with all the opportunity that anyone could want available to live and grow under the knowledge of God's love. So, parents, where are we going wrong? Why is it we fail to truly turn out kids who have that head AND heart knowledge of Christ and are able to live it out daily? I'll tell you why: sinful human nature. Each of us is born with a will. I'll tell you why else: hormones, baby. We all go through those years of trial and error, drifting, discovering, questioning. I don't know what the answer is but I know that it's not chuckling and shaking the head at those crazy kids who just need to work those things out of their system. I know that up until recently I thought that all teens just need to go through that time of wandering away and trying other things, but as a parent myself now, I'm not so sure. Isn't there a better way for a child to grow and learn about themselves and the world? Why must it be so status quo that all kids, whether in high school or college will "sow their wild oats"? That doesn't fly with me anymore. But like I said, I don't know what the answer is. I just know the only step we can truly take is to PRAY. And wait for God's guidance. Flying solo is not an option. Depending on our own wise words (sha, as if) or experiences will not cut it. And it is of course not (most of the time) the parents' fault. But what I want to know is, what can we as parents do to open our children's eyes to who God truly is and who they are as His so that they don't desire to go down these paths? Erg, I'm not making any sense anymore (it's midnight, what do you want from me?).

Hope

Well, it's official. Pastor and K are gone from our lives....at least from the everyday life of our church, hopefully not from the rest of my life. However, I'm not experiencing a feeling of letdown or anger like I thought I would. I have a renewed sense of hope. Hope for P and K since they have received this fresh start for themselves and their families and are looking forward to that. Hope for our congregation because we have the opportunity to work through some issues with professional guidance and hopefully move forward with a new sense of purpose and unity. The next year is filled with limitless possibilities and I just have to believe that God's positive will outweigh our human negative. Praise God for always bringing hope in the midst of bleak situations.
So...school starts in a week and a half. It's totally surreal. I can't even wrap my brain around the fact that I will soon be a full time working mom. A teeny tiny part of me, deep down, still sometimes says "What the heck are you doing??". But most of me is SO excited for the chance I have to be a part of my school's community again, and to have the opportunity that I do to influence the kids who walk into my life, to genuinely care for and instruct them. But if I'm being honest I also have a sense of sadness that my life will be so different than it's been the past year with all the time I've had to spend with my son. My life will be so different from that of SO many of my friends. But I guess if I look at the glass half full, my life will also be more like others of my friends, and at least I have people to lean on who know what this world is like. And let's face it, having my entire summer off next year? Awesome. The breaks that come at Christmas and spring break and all the ones in between? Fabulous. The extra money coming in and insurance? Priceless. So all in all, when I look at all of the above paragraph, I am truly blessed to have been given the job that I have. And I think that this time around I won't look at it as a job, but more as a calling that God has blessed me with.

True Peace

Lord, I would be so naive to think that I have achieved permanent true peace in my life, but to what else can I attribute such calm when my dad has been through trial by motorcycle, my husband was in a car accident that should very well have taken his life, and my brother is headed off to war? I can't even begin to explain why I am not losing it emotionally (as I do normally in these situations) except to say that it is your Holy Spirit blessing me with your peace that passes all understanding. And all I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you. I have seen you work so miraculously in my loved ones, bringing healing and protection, and I pray you would help me to continue clinging to you in the midst of life's storms.
So.....my hubby and I were pondering the other day why it is that we wait for some great tragedy to happen before we tell the people so dear to us in our life what they truly mean to us. Why is it that we don't just reach out and express to those around us how they have touched our lives? Why must we reach pivotal moments of good-bye before we feel compelled to open ourselves up? For my smallll audience reading this :) I hope that you truly know the ways in which you have touched my life. I don't think that each of you does. But I am embarking on a new "project", wherein the goal is to NOT wait until a crucial, terrible moment before you know how my life is enriched by knowing you. Hmmm..stay tuned for that. ;)

On the lighter side

Too much serious thinking isn't good for anybody. These were sent to me and I got a huge chuckle out of them, so I thought I'd share. Cheers!

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

**Word on the street is that these were actually printed in bulletins. :)

Trials

I just finished reading the most amazing story: In the Presence of My Enemies. It's the story of Martin and Gracia Burnham, missionaries in the Philippines, who were kidnapped by the Abu Sayyaf (extremist Muslim group) in 2001 and were held hostage for a year. The tale of what they had to endure is of course, unthinkable, but what is so amazing about the story is the faith with which Martin and Gracia faced this unthinkable situation. Naturally, there were times in that year when they faced a crisis of faith, wondering where God was in the midst of this situation and what he was doing. But they way they continually turned to Him, time and again, daily, moment-by-moment...... it is inspiring, which, to put it that way almost minimizes it.
Why is it that we must face a trial in our lives, a crisis of faith if you will, before we will truly turn to the Lord and acknowlege Him as Lord of our lives: of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even Gracia talks about how quickly she felt her attitudes and reliance on prayer changing as soon as she was back on safe ground. It seems so inevitable that when we're comfortable, we simply do not sense our need for the Lord and therefore do not work at that relationship. I was so challenged through this book to pursue God passionately, to pray about EVERYTHING, all the time. The Burnhams' story is tough to take, though. It begs that scary and unanswerable question: why? Why does the story end the way it does? Why did God not deliver them sooner? I was left so unsettled, until this passage was pointed out: Deut. 29:29 "The secret things belong to the Lord our God" and Isaiah 55:8 & 9 - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." This would all be infuriating if it didn't bring such....you got it.....peace. Why do we run ourselves ragged trying to know all the ins and outs of every single stinking situation in our lives! Our puny, human brains cannot even begin to comprehend the big picture the way God can. I believe God wants us to ask the hard questions, but I do not believe that "Why" is one of them. Our peace needs to come from knowing that we are not in charge and don't have to be, that we are on a need to know basis and sometimes we just do not need to know. I hope this knowledge is stored in my heart for when I need it b/c, let's face it, I have faced very small crisis' in my life (well, small in the grand scheme of things). There will come a day when, although I doubt I will have to survive a year in the jungle as a Muslim hostage, I will indeed have to face pain, difficulty, the valleys of life. And when the rubber meets the road, do I have what it takes to rely on no one but the Lord to pull me through? The crappy part of that question is that the answer can only come when you're thrust onto the battlefield.
I re-read my question above: Why must we face a crisis of faith before we truly turn to the Lord? and I think of the analogy of refined silver or gold. I found this story that sums it up:
There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came cross verse three which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what his statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week this woman called up a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot -- then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."

In order for us to be purified we must be subjected to some of the hottest flames. Sometimes when we are just lumps sitting around we're not forced to get rid of some of those impurities. In a way, it almost takes more work to be refined without the flames and having anything pushing us to change.
Anyway, this is all probably very easy for me to expound upon since any fires in my life are currently smoldering embers, not enough to get me bubbling and expanding. I pray, Lord, for the strength to step out of my comfort zone each day and walk more in your holy ways. Grow in me the Fruit of your Spirit through my daily walk through this life.

Good enough

Emotions are so funny. Not really funny ha, ha. Funny strange. We all know they are fickle, unreliable, ever-changing. And yet they are such a gauge for word, thought, deed....especially MY words, thoughts, deeds. Today I have been plagued by self-doubt. Am I good enough? A good enough wife, mother, friend, Christian, teacher.......and of course the answer is a resounding no! I have such perfectionist tendencies that do not allow me to land anywhere close to good enough. I am not the support for my husband that he always needs nor do I feel I always fulfill all his needs, I do not spend enough time just being with my son...enjoying the moment....basking in his youth, I don't call/write/email/hang out with/encourage my friends often enough, nor do I spend time with God nurturing my SO-important relationship with him......the list goes on and on. And the truth is, probably no one is being as hard on me as me. And in my head I know these are lies fed to me by the evil one to discourage and remove my focus from the Grace by which I should be living moment-by-moment. But in my heart...I struggle. I struggle so much. Another truth: God does not require me to be perfect. Shoot, I don't even believe he requires me to be "good enough". If I were, would he have bothered to send Jesus Christ to this earth? But I just feel like I am falling short in every area of my life right now. And it is all too possible that this is because I rely on myself and don't consult the Lord about every single detail of my life. I demand so much of myself without simply surrendering to God's will and giving Him the wheel. What freedom would I find in that simple act of giving up? Scary prospect for a control freak. :)
Father God....I don't want to live with regrets. I want to please you: not myself, not others, not the expectations that are placed on me by any human standards (there are those human standards again). Please help me to find my peace and self-worth in your loving arms.

Weary

Lord, I am longing for your kingdom to come and wipe out all the sorrow that this world and its sinfulness holds. Each new day seems to bring a new dose of sadness. Yes, you have given us so much joy in this world, too, and for that I am grateful. But I am weighted today by the painful situations that are touching my loved ones. For Jon and Melissa who are separated by war and, beyond that, the people living in the midst of war whose lives everyday are in some sort of jeopardy: whether due to loss of home, loved one, livelihood, self. I pray, God, that our troops (my brother among them) can bring hope (true hope) to the ones they come in contact with. For my Uncle Paul who has been diagnosed with the dreaded C. No word yet on the path of treatment, but you know the way oh Lord, bring him and his family (all of us who love him, Father) your peace that passes understanding. For my aunt and uncle, a brother and sister, both facing divorce (and not the amicable kind). The heaviness in their souls is unspeakable some days, Father. Carry their burdens with them. Guard their hearts (and those of their children) against anger and bitterness. My heart is heavy for these that I love. And, oh God, how much more you love them. How much more you suffer with them. May your name be praised for that....you do not leave us alone in our grief and turmoil...you walk with us...you have already experienced it through the human manifestation of your Son. Allow all of my family (and so many of my friends facing the troubles of this life) to be able to praise you even as they walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Shine onto them your light in the midst of darkness. Hear our prayers on their behalf. Encourage their hearts. And encourage mine. I know your ways are perfect, God. Help me to let go of my need to know them. Help me to trust. Help all of us to put our hope, along with our situations, into your loving and more-than-capable hands.

Ack. Sometimes I feel like all my life is such self-focused, mindless drivel. I re-read these things that I ponder and I guess they can't totally be classified as "mindless drivel" (if you disagree, please keep my esteem intact and don't argue), but they are very self-involved. I guess my mind is turned to my brother right now. He is in Indiana, training, learning whatever art of war needs to be learned so he can be shipped out to Iraq come August.
I am amazed by him. My "little" brother who has allowed God to grow in him a faith bigger than I could cultivate in the 4 1/2 years I have on him in age. His wife too. They both have committed themselves and this situation into God's more-than-capable hands (and if they haven't, they're awfully good fakers). :) These 2 have only been married exactly a year tomorrow and yet they are now being torn apart for the sake of another country's peace. And so they must sacrifice their own. Or do they? What I have seen in them says otherwise. They are putting their trust, one day at a time, in a God who is bigger than Iraq, bigger than our military, bigger than our fear and anxiety over Jon's safety. It all comes back to that choice to pursue peace at all costs...and I'm talking about the inner, God-given peace here.
As the older sister I feel like I should be the wise example, but it's really their faith that carries me through. God, forgive me for my unbelief, manifested through worry. I know that you are in control. Now make your presence felt to Jon and Melissa each minute of the day. Cover Jon with your hand of protection. Bring alongside him people who can encourage his faith and offer him a connection of Christian friendship. Also bring into his path people who desperately need to see You and how he exhibits You. Bring peace to this world...such a tall order, Lord, but not out of your realm of ability. Thank you for Jon's willingness to defend the rights of others. Thank you for your sovereignty over this broken world; thank you for the promise of everlasting peace in your arms; thank you for my family and the heritage of faithfulness we have with which to encourage each other. May our lives always be growing in such a way as to never be classified as "mindless drivel".

Wonder

Thursday night I was with my Book Club posse, and our discussion touched on the issue of wonder and how we seem to have lost that sense of newfound amazement in our lives. For many reasons. Busyness, constant pursuit of the "bigger and better", laziness. And the big question was, how do we recapture this? Some of our answers: make the conscious choice to look at the world with wonder. We are such feeling people (ok, I am such a feeling person) that we sit back and say, "ok world, ok God, impress me" instead of choosing to look at and really think about this incredible world created for our pleasure and initiate the Wow! feeling. Another step is to SLOW DOWN!!! We are so caught up in the nitty gritty of everyday routines and running from one place to the next that our brains can't keep up or they're running ahead, one of the two. In either case we miss so much wonder that's right in front of us. So I have decided to make the conscious effort to live in wonder and list some of those things that capture me (random as they might be).
1) The unconditional love of God: I don't think I'll ever truly get my mind around this one, and I have to struggle (unfortunately) to keep that sense of awe rather than become complacent about it.
2) Pregnancy and childbirth: I do NOT understand how anyone who has experienced pregnancy for any amount of time can go through with an abortion. What an awesome body God has given us that it can GROW another HUMAN BEING! And the fact that we then are able to get this whole other person out of us....well....evolution my a** is all I have to say.
3) The changing of the seasons: I pity Floridians and Californians on this one. Although winter is not my favorite by any means, what a blessing it is to see the world gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) shift from one season to another and explode with new levels of beauty each time.
4) Volcanos: ok, this is a random one. But did you know that Mt. St. Helens when it erupted in...hmmmm...I don't know...was it the 80's? ...anyway, it expended 8 times more energy than any nuclear bomb ever detonated and changed entire world temperatures. Another lesson in that man cannot recreate anything God has...including brute force.
5) Sunsets: the magic of color and how its reflection varies with each surface it touches.
6) The tender and patient love of my husband: amazing
7) The daily growth and changes of my son: though some days I could still swear he's physically attached to me (and would like for him to be so until the day I die) he is his own person, and to watch him develop into that person blows my mind.
8) Seeds: death and life wrapped up simultaneously in one teeny weeny package
9) Grace: see "unconditional love of God:"
10) Computers: and, moreso, people who understand them.
11) Great literature: and, moreso, the people who write it.

Not a comprehensive list by any means, but just a few items that are fodder for wonder, to my mind anyway. I think as I pursue peace, it's imperative to (WARNING: HUGE cliche on the way!) "stop and smell the roses".