Daily Habit

"Daily life is woven together with the threads of habit , and no habit is more important to our spiritual health than the discipline of daily prayer and devotion to the Creator."

Throughout my life, when I have experienced times of unrest, dissatisfaction, joylessness, discontent, there is a commonality that runs through: my lack of time spent at the feet of the Lord and Savior of my life. I constantly give in to the "pressing" needs of day-to-day life over and above this most important of all needs, the filling of my soul with His presence, wisdom, and peace. Throughout this year it was my goal to seek out God's wisdom and to surrender to Him, and though I have grown in this area of seeking Him in my life, it has been sporadic, rather than steady and continuous. If you could graph it, it would probably end up looking like a mountain range with all the peaks and valleys. There are still areas of my life that I hold back from Him and too many times when I seek my own "wisdom" or that of this world before His. And it's no wonder when I do not daily carve out time for Him to speak to me, to move in me.
Why this is the area of greatest struggle for me, I'll never know. It all comes down to choices and creating that daily habit.  Heaven knows I've made room for the habits of Facebook, eating, and watching television .
This year has seen many areas of discipline, change and growth: our screen time habits, eating habits, where we give our time and energy. And yet this area continues to fall short. This area which touches every other in my life.
It's almost time to move into 2013. While I don't know what God has in store for me the rest of this year, I know that I want to move WITH Him rather than against or away from. And that all begins with a simple choice...

"Stress can be an addiction and worry can be our lunge for control and we forget the answer to this moment is always yes because of Christ." - Ann Voskamp

Addicted to worry.  Lunging for control.  Why the struggle? The fight against surrender? Why is my first reaction still to rush to anxiety and anger?
Breathe in.
Give me wisdom from you, Father.
Breathe out.
I surrender to you.

Good Friday

"O God, you sent Christ Jesus to be my shepherd and the lamb of sacrifice. Help me to embrace the mystery of salvation, the promise of life rising out of death. Help me to hear the call of Christ and give me the courage to follow it readily that I, too, may lead others to you. This I ask through Jesus, my shepherd and guide."
~From The Divine Hours

Surrender (Part 2)

"...there can be no peace with God, nor can there be peace in our hearts

apart from unconditional surrender." - Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Well. This blog has been glaringly empty of new posts, hasn't it? There are times when I feel the same about my soul. Not that God isn't there. He always, always is. But I turn tail and run from Him altogether too often. And I have been decidedly peace-free as of late. Which brings me to the quote above and to the title of my post. You can read here about my struggle with this idea of surrender. Look at that - it was a year and a half ago that I wrote that! Egads. You can also read here about the big ideas I had to try and work on this area of my life in 2011. Spoiler alert! Didn't happen. I ran harder and faster in the opposite direction in some ways. It's not that I openly rebel. It's more of a passive-aggressive rebellion where I just simply refuse to stop and listen, where I am ruled by my fears and wants. What I forget time and again is that this world is not my home. Rather, I burrow down deeper into the false comforts and temporary treasures that are offered to me here. I decide, when faced with decisions or stresses, that I know best. Especially when I sit down and open the Word and read words like "prisoner"* and "sacrifice"** or phrases like "carry your cross"*** or "thorn in the flesh"****. It sounds hard. And unpleasant. And controlling. But then I am reminded of this:

"To surrender to the Creator's control is not onerous or burdensome;

it is, in fact, the place of blessing, fullness, and peace."

or this:

"As long as we refuse to surrender our will to the will of God, we are never truly free.

Rather, we find ourselves dominated by ungodly appetites and forces.

You won't bow to [God's] will in relation to your marriage, your morals, your attitudes, your tongue, your eating habits, your spending habits, or the way you spend your time? Then count on it - the very points on which you refuse to surrender will become "enemies" that rule over you."

Both of these are taken from that awesome book I read a year and a half ago entitled (you guessed it) Surrender. It's by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. I highly recommend as you'll see over to the right there.

These sentences strike a chord in me which leads me to acknowledge their truth.

Dear God, I don't want to enter into 2013 in this same place. My heart longs for the abundant life you came to give, but my head gets all screwy and twisted-up what that actually looks like.

I am weary of calling the shots and weary of giving in to life as I want it to look like. It is scary to surrender. I pray you would bestow me with the trust I lack. Day by day, moment by moment, decision by decision.

"If there is anything holding you back,

or any sacrifice you are afraid of making,

come to God and prove how gracious your God is.

Never be afraid that he will command from you what He will not bestow!

God comes and offers to work this absolute surrender in you."

- Andrew Murray

*Ephesians 4:1

** Romans 12:1, 1 Peter 2:5

*** Matthew 10:38, 16:24

**** 2 Corinthians 12:7

Behold the Lamb of God

"One of the most sobering truths about the human situation is that we can take even the most spiritual ideas, practices, and plans and place them in service of "the old man" or the false self. We are much better at taking surveys, gathering information, and making strategic plans than we are at dying to what is false within us so that what is truest in us can live. Lent is a season when we face the wilderness within." ~Ruth Haley Barton:The Wilderness Within 2011



The above quote struck a chord with me as I read it last week at the end of this Lenten season. In my Christian life I have studied hundreds of books, engaged in countless devotionals/Bible studies, and taken dozens of surveys/tests, etc. to help enhance my spiritual walk. None of these things, in and of themselves, is bad. But without true contemplation, repentance, and change, they are ineffective. How often have I said to myself and the Lord, "I will live better, I will change", and what is unspoken on the end of that promise is always "tomorrow" or "soon" or "someday". Because I still struggle with that lasting change. I love the Lord. I am, now more than at any other time in my life, in love with Him and in awe of the sacrifice that He endured for ME. And for you. I am astounded that He would do die for any of us. Why, then, do I forsake Him so often? Why do I place in greater importance above Him the ridiculous, fleeting things of this world? Why do I coast and become lazy in my pursuit of Him and all things righteous that bring me true peace and fulfillment? It is the greatest mystery of my life, and just when I think I have turned a corner, I find myself back at the same crossroads at which I always arrive, choosing the wrong way. Mired in the wilderness within. I know it is part of the human condition to sin, to forsake, to selfishly pursue wrong things. I am so grateful for God's mercy and forgiveness, His unconditional love, His gentle leading and teaching, even His discipline. I continue to desire that right path and the abundant life that comes along with it, yet when it comes to choosing it I so often chicken out due to fear and selfishness. I know I'm not alone in this, but I don't want my standards to be the lives of those around me. I want my standards to be the Lord's, the way that Jesus lived, the Biblical guideline that has been laid out for me. I want to live out of gratitude for what has been done for me in love. And I know that my life has once again not been reflecting that.

God, forgive me for my poor choices and my self-centered living. Forgive me for choosing temporary pleasures over the abundant life you hold out to me. Be strong in my weakness, grant me perseverance and the will to obey. You have won victory over death on the cross, now help me to win victory and die those small deaths each day in surrender.

From "The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotion"

Oh God whose will conquers all,
There is no comfort in anything
apart from enjoying thee
and being engaged in thy service;
Thou art All in all, and all enjoyments are what to me
thou makest them, and no more.
I am well pleased with they will, whatever it is,
or should be in all respects,
And if thou bidst me decide for myself in any affair
I would choose to refer all to thee,
for thou art infinitely wise and cannot do amiss,
as I am in danger of doing.
I rejoice to think that all things are at thy disposal,
and it delights me to leave them there...
I can of myself do nothing to glorify thy blessed name,
but I can through grace cheerfully surrender soul and body
to thee.

Guest blogger!!!

My BFF from the womb and I have a long history of creativity together. In our younger years it was re-enacting scenes from Wonder Woman on the playground. This evolved into basement rock concerts (lip synced to the incomparable Amy Grant) and then elaborate storylines involving our imaginary boyfriends and work at our high-powered office jobs. In high school we would while away long hours in my bedroom listening to Sarah McLachlan or Toad the Wet Sprocket and pouring out our hearts via both poetry and prose. (Not to toot our own horns but I think we may both have had the honor of being published in both the high school literary mag and/or yearbook. Hang onto those valuable items, fellow classmates.) Our love of writing has not waned and for a long time she, like myself, kept a blog which I thoroughly enjoyed reading. A blog which is now, sadly, defunct, though her love of putting thought into word is not. And so I am happy and proud to give her a place here to voice some of her thoughts. I hope that you will find yourself challenged and encouraged by her as I am. Any feedback, response, etc. that you are so inclined to leave is greatly welcomed. Without further ado, I present to you, Robyn. :)


I had a friend who would call me up once in a while, to tell me she was in the area and wanted to pay a visit. I looked forward to this because we do not get to spend a lot of time together-at least, not quality time. Needless to say, it felt good to know she wanted to hang out, do some catch up- maybe grab a coffee and just be present with one another.

But as soon as she got to my house- I noticed something. We’d be sitting down, getting settled, and basically, the whole time she was with me, she was always thinking about all the things she had to do yet today, the things she was working on for next week and then, sometimes even, lamenting about what happened the week before. I didn’t notice it as much until I started trying to share with her, how I was. Or, to see if she’d even notice my new hair cut, or to see if she’d recognize anything different since months ago – instead, she was so busy spending time with me, but not seeing or hearing me that it was if I really didn’t need to be there at all.

The whole visit ended up being all noise. I realized, the quality of our time was really spent before she even showed up and we were ‘buying’ time instead. I honestly don’t think either of us felt anymore connected than if we hadn’t ever gotten together in the first place and I wondered what our friendship was really based on.

This morning, I sat down like I do for my devotions with the Lord every morning. It happens after I get my babies off to school and I carve out prayer time before I head into my day. But this morning, I had a list of things, concerns, prayer requests and worries for the day. My aunt had just passed a few days ago, my children were anxious about things in their life, I am struggling to just maintain normalcy, whatever that is…and my security in many areas is up for grabs right now. As I was driving back in my mini van- I was actually preparing my ‘prayer’ for the Lord the whole time. He has no idea what is coming to him, I thought.

And I opened up my prayer book to a random chapter-- it said:
Be Present. Be Present with the Lord.

In it, laid a prayer that asked for forgiveness- telling God how we forget so easily that our days are numbered and that he knows already, our past and future and all we have is our present moment. I paused. I quieted myself. I sat before him and said- Father, I am that friend who comes rushing in to your presence and steals every last ounce of goodness to turn it into something I need, I want. I even tried to explain to him, how ignorant I was and stubborn and before I found my mind wandering aimlessly to my prayer list, he told me to hush. Robyn, hush.

After this, I looked before me. I saw a few people gathered in a huddle, praying- non stop. Their words were mumbled, but their hearts were on fire- seeking his attention for their petitions before him. He told me, they’ve been there all day, like this; some of them, for weeks. Then, he widened my view- and before me I saw not just a few but tens, hundreds, thousands of people, praying—crying, presenting their laments, their prayers, their worries, their hurts, their needs for the day, the past, the future---their visions for their future, their castles and their wants. But – he said, to me, not one of them was ‘present’ with him. They were stuck in their heads, asking God to find them instead.

He said my daughter these things go on like this daily. They’re like crying children – you know those children that you can never seem to ‘stop’ ? …. And yes, while I tell my people to always present their prayers and their anxieties to me, I still want you to hear me--- it never stops. Even after they’re answered.

And I looked at myself-trying to hear what he was really trying to tell me with out telling me. And I looked at myself- with my loaded prayers, my ability – to chime in with the rest of em- to add to the chorus of crying children, to be another one – hearts begging, tears flowing. I looked up- for a moment, and saw this beautiful, patience that I had never known before. It sat there, staring back at me. And after I quieted my soul, long enough, to be ‘present’ - I heard my Lord today. I heard what he hears from where he sits and what he may actually desire after he hears our desires day after day after day.

I heard my Lord today. I heard the overwhelming wailing from women across the world, and the military moms who are all praying for their sons, and the never ending cries from the ones who have died and the ones who are being born--- it was humming…it was haunting, it was constant noise in my ears….

He sat there, waiting for my prayer and instead, I opened my voice and what came out was a love song…. I sang the first song that came to my mind--- “I love you Lord…and I lift my voice…to worship you oh my soul, rejoice….take joy my king..in what you hear …. May it be a sweet , sweet sound in your ear….” After this song released, with tears streaming down my face, I realized, in that moment, he had heard me because I heard him. I ask for comfort but I gave comfort – to be a sweet, sweet song in your ears…. He showed me how it was like giving a cool drink of water to someone who had been in the desert, able to go on with out a drink but what an incredible offering when it is available.

I looked back on the people who were praying; who were humming, who were crying and I sang it again, only this time, louder. I sang it, asking, no- begging the people to turn their prayers of worry, and concern into a love song for the Lord.

To be a beautiful praise- a sweet sweet something---in his ears….to please him… a King who already knows our concerns, who already knows our worries. Can we, just – for a moment, give him a break- and worship him? Consider him?

To be present is to know you.

I want to be a sweet, sweet sound in your ears Lord.

Words of the Year

Last year I began the tradition (I suppose it needs to happen a few more times before I can officially call it that) of focusing on one word throughout the year that I believe God is calling me to change. Last year it was pride/humility. Though I realistically know that this is always a work-in-progress for me, it was beneficial for me to really focus throughout the year on what His Word says about this issue, to examine the areas of my life (oh, so many) where it rears its ugly head, and to try to make some headway in surrendering. I feel that I am quicker to recognize when I am being prideful, but I still struggle with choosing a different path.

While I'm not abandoning work on this area of my life, I have also, with the start of a new year, felt God's leading to other areas of my life. One is the word that I used above: surrender. I am constantly frustrated at the lack of change I see in myself in so many areas. I have to question the authenticity of my repentance when there are so many wrong things I do so many times. There cannot be true, lasting change, nor, I believe, can there be a true experience of and response to God's love in my life when I refuse to lay down all of these "rights" that I claim for myself: right to anger, judgment, impatience, self-serving actions and attitudes, gossip, greed....the list is, as always, endless. I believe God is calling me to surrender in a deeper, more real way than I have up to this point.

Another word that has come to my attention, I believe by God's leading is wisdom. Several times throughout this past December I came across this verse in my studying/reading: "Be very careful then how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is." Ephesians 5:15-17 I believe God is calling me to make wiser choices in my daily life (that could include the ways I spend my time, money, etc) and to make the most of every single opportunity I am given. I do believe there is so much that I selfishly and foolishly squander.

SO - we'll see where God leads and what He teaches throughout 2011 about these particular words in my life.

Crazy Love

About a year ago we began the process of joining a brand new church. It has been incredibly exciting to witness the unfolding of this church and the mission we all feel called to carry out, but it has also been a bittersweet transition. James and I truly felt that we belonged to a family at our previous church (and still consider them family), which is often what happens when you are part of a group of people for so long and share so many facets of your life. Yet, after 10 years, God had begun to plant some seeds of restlessness within us, and we knew that there was something else He had for us to do. We have no doubt at this point that this new thing, our new church home, is where God has called us to be and where He desires to both use and bless us. We have consistently been pushed outside of our comfort zone, which is something both of our faith journeys were in need of - a nudge out of complacency. And we have also consistently been challenged about our relationship with the Lord: is He TRULY the Lord of our lives and if so, how do we respond to Him? How does He affect our lives? I, along with so many Christians I know, struggle with completely surrendering every area of my life and therefore experiencing the deepest possible relationship with God. I allow so many distractions to take precedence. Currently as a church we are beginning together the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and the last couple of weeks have been challenged by our pastor to really consider this love that God has for us: this extravagant, completely out-of-the-ordinary, crazy love and how we respond to it. What I am discovering is startling and difficult to confess, but I feel compelled to do so: I don't know if I have ever REALLY, TRULY experienced the love of God. Shocked yet? I KNOW, intellectually, (and have for as much of my life as I can remember) that God loves me. I BELIEVE His Word and the promises it holds on this count. I have NO DOUBT that He is in my heart and yearns to lavish His love upon me. Yet I think I have constructed walls around my heart that have not allowed me to really EXPERIENCE this love and therefore live it out in the world around me. Walls of obligation, rules, theology, religion, materialism, pride, selfishness, comfort, and comparison. The question comes now, with this realization, what are the steps I take to break down those walls, to truly be flooded with God's love, and to finally live out a life that responds to it with complete gratitude and authenticity?

Does this make ANY sense?

A glimpse of this love I am continually trying to grasp came in the form of a story told in church a couple of weeks back about Dick and Rick Hoyt. This INCREDIBLE father and son have a relationship that is a shining example of the Heavenly Father we have who loves us and will stop at nothing to share our lives, carry us in our weakness, and fulfill our needs. You can read about them in detail here , and you can watch a powerfully moving video about this father's love for his son below. My desperate prayer is that somehow I "may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge". (Eph. 3:18-19a)

Own Me

I love the song playing (at least as of now) here on the ol' blog. It is truth from my own life and really sums up the prayer of my heart these days.

Own Me
Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live.
Many are left half-read, covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I've got a list of laws growing longer everyday,
And if I keep plugging away, maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor seems to be in vain,
And all of my laws just cause me more pain.
So I fall before you in all of my shame.
Ready and willing to be changed.

Own me. Take all that I am.
And heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with your gracious hand.
Break me 'til I'm only yours.
Own me.

Oh you call me daughter, and you take my blame.
And you run to meet me when I cry out your name.
So I fall before you in all of my shame,
Lord, I am willing to be changed.

Own me. Take all that I am.
And heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me by your gracious hand.
Break me 'til I'm only yours.
Own me.

I've come across some other prayers of surrender in recent days also that echo the cry of my heart:

Charles de Foucald, French missionary (1858-1916):
Father, I abandon myself into Your hands; do with me what You will. Whatever You may do, I thank You: I am ready for all, I accept all. Only let Your will be done in me and in all Your creatures - I wish no more than this, Lord.

Betty Scott, missionary and martyr, early-mid 1900's:
Lord, I give up my own plans and purposes, all my own desires, hopes and ambitions, and I accept Thy will for my life. I give up myself, my life, my all, utterly to Thee, to be Thine forever. I hand over to Thy keeping all of my relationships; all the people whom I love are to take second place in my heart. Fill me now and seal me with Thy Spirit. Work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, for me to live is Christ. Amen.

It seems such a slow process, this one of surrender, because my stubborn will succumbs to the trappings of this world rather than to the Lord's perfect plan. It seems every single second needs to be given over in surrender once again. It is frustrating and painful and, ultimately, the greatest reward.

Heavenly Father, Prince of my peace, Lord of my life and my heart, I surrender all to You. Whatever valleys you lead me through or mountains we may scale, I rest in the knowledge of Your rock-solid faithfulness and love. Whatever You plan for me is better than all I could ask or imagine. I surrender to You my family, my friendships, my finances, my wants, my plans, my thoughts, my words, my soul, mind, and body. They are all Yours to be used in worship to Your glorious name.

Surrender

I struggle with this issue. Surrender. Completely giving over to Someone more capable than I, giving up what I think is best or what I know to be most comfortable. As Nancy Leigh DeMoss puts it in her book I am currently reading (see sidebar) "a surrendered life [means to] continually say no to self and yes to God." I am a miserable failure at this. I constantly revert back to relying on my own judgment, senses, feelings, comfort level, desires. In short, my own will. I experience time and again, due to my resistance to surrender, barriers in my fellowship with God, as DeMoss puts it, and I know that I am missing out on the truly abundant life that God has planned for me. The human brain is truly a puzzle. I recognize that things always ALWAYS go better for me and those around me when I am obedient to God's will, yet I still stubbornly refuse to follow it in many instances and choose instead to experience the consequences of my disobedience. I guess it gives me greater empathy for my children and their poor decision-making skills right now. But oh, how I desire to grow beyond the childhood of my spiritual journey.
Father God - Break me. Mold me. It's frightening to pray that knowing how much I don't know about the future and your ways. But I am tired of fear. I lay down my fear at your gracious and loving feet, knowing that any path I choose to take which you have already chosen for me holds nothing but great promise, abundant life, and the secure promise that you are with me.

I have seen my pride pop up in a couple of rather unexpected places these last few months. The first is kind of silly but no less detrimental to my spiritual growth. My driving. I am NEVER in the wrong when I'm behind the wheel. I ALWAYS have the right-of-way and the more important places to be. If I deem someone to be an idiot because they should have merged sooner, you won't see ME letting them in! I find myself tailgating, muttering at, and insulting my fellow drivers. It really is an embarrassment. I can only imagine what kind of message my children are picking up (although, leave it to Jeran, to call out reprimands at me from the back seat. He's keeping me honest!). Truly, though, it's hit me lately how prideful I am when I'm in the driver's seat, thinking only of myself and assuming I know the rules of the road best. Road rage is really only one more step down the path for me the way I'm going.
Another area in which it's quickly becoming apparent I struggle is that of being in need and asking for help. I had a totally humiliating, out-of-the-blue breakdown on the phone with a good friend last month which I initially chalked up to PMS, but upon further reflection I realized that what really brought on the waterworks was the fact that I was calling to ask for help. Had, in fact, already called several people asking for help only to find out they could not. And this had me, for some reason, feeling very vulnerable. My raw reaction to this build-up of vulnerability and emotion shocked me, but I really have to call a spade a spade: pride. It is prideful of me to try to do everything on my own, to enjoy extending help to others but to feel like a weakling when the need is mine. In times of immense stress and overwhelming circumstance (ie: Grayson's birth) I found it easy to ask for and accept assistance, I think, because I felt justified in my need. But in the normal, everyday whirl of life I find that I have a paralyzing fear of taking advantage or even being perceived as taking advantage. That's prideful. That's worrying about others' perceptions and my own image in their eyes rather than just living honestly and openly. It's a slap in the face I think, too, to those who love me and treat me as family. People who selflessly show me and my family love and aren't keeping score (I don't think - haha) of all the times I need to call in a favor. And it's a slap in the face to God, too, who modeled for us sacrificial love, who gave everything to meet our deepest need. Rather than worrying about how much help I need, I should be looking outward to the help I can give. I need to admit that I am not self-sufficient, that I first and foremost depend on the Lord and that he can meet any and all needs through the love and abilities of those He has placed in my life.
And so I continue to struggle with this primary word in my life this year. Humility. It's humbling to see how not humble I am. And I continue to pray that God will open my eyes to where pride manifests itself and that He will break my will and change my heart to be a mirror image of His.

"For a day in Thy courts is better than a thousand outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God, than dwell in the tents of wickedness." Psalm 84:10

"How tempting it is to settle down, get comfortable, and escape - even fleetingly - to a worldly tent." - Cynthia Heald

How easy it is, indeed, to settle into the comfortable places this world offers. Except that, sooner or later, there is so much discomfort involved. There is no lasting peace in complacency, sin, worldly "comforts". How true I have found James 4:7-8 to be in my life:

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you."

I don't believe, even in my times of wandering, that God is ever far from me, but I do experience His presence so much more keenly when I don't push all manner of other things between us.
I have once again found myself in a place of distance from God, a place where I submit much more readily to the world's temptations and my own desires, where my resistance to the devil is low. But as I take even the tiniest step back toward my heavenly Father I immediately begin to feel my discontent replaced with His peace. As I foster once again a hunger and thirst for His righteousness, I am filled. This is God's grace: that despite my constant failure, He would immediately draw near to me when I stumble awkwardly back toward Him.

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6b

So today I pray for the humility to sacrifice my own agenda, to resist the seemingly gratifying temptations of this world, and to dwell at the Lord's threshold.

Peace

I believe one of the truest marks of a believer in Christ, one of the qualities that speaks loudest in today's world, is that of God's peace.
Phil. 4:7 - "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
The world gives no peace. There is war, torture, conflict, selfish ambition, broken politics, debt, impure desire, etc. - the beginning of an endless list. And we've just gotten used to worry and anxiety as a given. So when a person comes along who is not ruled by that worry and anxiety, even in the midst of heartbreakingly difficult circumstances, it is beyond noticeable. It is powerful, captivating, inspiring, and life-changing. People want, nay, are desperate to experience this peace and its Root, even though it is beyond comprehension. And it is beyond our understanding because is not something of this world which is all we know; not something born of our limited, understandable (though, at times, incomprehensible) humanity. Praise the Lord for His gift of peace, promised to us through His Spirit and NOT limited by our human choices, circumstances, or understanding. I continue to pursue it daily.

Continuing the Walk of Humility

Maybe you've been curious (or, perhaps, not :) ) how my whole focus on humility is going so far this year. It's been a struggle, for sure. It's amazing how many corners of my life are infected with pride and how often I don't even put up a fight against it. It's been so valuable, though, to grow more conscious of this and to submit this area of my life in particular to God through prayer.
This week I was studying Philippians 2:1-11. Among other things, this passage spells out what our attitude should be, namely, that of Christ Jesus. If there was ever a person to have just cause for a sense of pride, for passing judgment, for championing self "rights" it was him - the King of the universe. But he didn't. He let all of that go. He limited himself to a state of humanity and, therefore, humility. He came to serve, not control. Love, not punish. Rescue, not condemn. And he desired for those of us who follow him to do the same. As Paul explains in Philippians: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also the interests of others." (vs. 3-4) How often do we operate under our own wants, desires, comfort? How easy is it to justify our perceived entitlement? It goes against the very grain of our human nature to put others first. Yet if we desire to witness unity and peace, it begins with ourselves. Our humility. Seeing others as worthy of preferential treatment and sacrificing our selfishness and vanity.
I have such a long way to go. But everyday I thank God for opening my eyes to this part of myself and ask him for the strength to kill this part of my sinful nature, replacing it more and more with His likeness.

Chains for Christ

Having never been incarcerated, enslaved, or in any other way physically restricted or imprisoned, I have often found it difficult to fully relate to Paul's predicament during which he wrote his letter to the Philippians. I mean, intellectually I get that he was in prison many times in his life and that this, for lack of a more eloquent term, sucks. Particularly during that time in the world's history when human rights weren't necessarily considered a given. But I think imprisonment could also be relatable in that it is figurative as well. Circumstances such as poverty, depression, illness, persecution - any number of evil things we face in this fallen world can trap us and threaten to break our spirit. So it is striking to read Philippians, then, in this light and see how in-line Paul's priorities are. His #1 concern is that the love of Christ is shown and the gospel of hope preached. He goes so far as to say, " Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel...and I will continue to rejoice." (Phil. 1:12, 18). Whatever the physical situation in his life, he understands that God can use them for His purposes and for the advancement of His name and glory, and this is his primary focus and joy.
Verse 12 stopped me in my tracks as I read it today. I asked myself, "Could I really be ok with ANYTHING happening to me, so long as it advanced the gospel?" The gut-wrenchingly honest answer to this question, in theory, is NO. I can't look down the road and say I would be ok with a terminal illness, decrease in income, something happening to one of my children, etc. etc. But in reality, who knows how I would respond in any of these or a number of other painful situations? I do know that, more and more, I realize the only good thing there is in this world is the love of Christ and the hope of salvation and eternity He gives. I know that everything in this world is touched by sin and is therefore fallen and full of pain. And so I surmise that I would cling to Him solely in the midst of any crisis. But, in the good and the bad, am I solely focused on Christ's love being shown and His message spread? Is that a priority for me? And can I look at the brokenness that is and will surely continue to come in my life as one of many platforms that can be used for God's glory? It is my prayer and desire that these things would be true of me. That I would always, ALWAYS "conduct [myself] in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ" (vs. 27) and would truly believe and live in such a way that "to live is Christ and to die is gain"(vs. 21).

The Prodigal God

Though I rarely finish a book and don't at least REALLY like it, there are few that I would categorize as "life changing". Within that short list are the Bible, The Shack, and, most recently, The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller.
I don't have a birthdate, per se, for becoming a Christian. As far back as I can remember I have attended church, prayed within my home, been taught right and wrong, and believed that Jesus Christ came to this earth and died to pay the price for my sins. What I've never grasped, until I read this book, was exactly how high that price really was and what that says about the God I serve that I've always claimed to know. Even more, I was given a glimpse into who I am at my most basic, human level. Pretty wild and scary stuff.


If you are at all familiar with the Bible, you are probably familiar with the story of the prodigal son. Selfishly arrogant son asks Father for his share of the inheritance, leaves home and squanders said inheritance, skulks home starving and broken only to be unexpectedly received back into the loving arms of dad who proceeds to throw a really happening fiesta to celebrate. A beautiful picture of how God wants to welcome home all of his wayward children, right? Yes, but there's more to this story than meets the eye, as pointed out by Mr. Keller. What is overlooked is that there are actually two brothers rebelling against the father here. The obvious one is the child who left home and lived against his father's wishes, squandering what he had been given. The less obvious rebellion is that of the elder brother. While he sticks close to home, obedient to his father's commands, fulfilling all the obligations he feels are expected of him, his heart is still rooted in a place of selfishness. He is living out of duty, looking after his reputation and living for what he can get from his father - namely, his inheritance.


The title of the book comes from the meaning of the word, prodigal: to spend recklessly, until you have nothing left. God gave ALL that he had to reconcile His fallen creation, man, back to himself. "His reckless grace is our greatest hope." And who exactly was that sacrifice made for? Not just the overtly sinful, rebellious "younger brothers" of this world, but also those of us "elder brothers" - Pharisees in Jesus' day. Today it would be, well, me, for example. Who has always gone around following all the "shoulds", doing what I imagined was the right thing, dutifully obedient to good moral laws, even those laid out in the Bible. All the while judging the younger brothers of this world who just weren't as good. My heart attitude (and that of many of us in the church today) is to assume that if we follow the path of moral conformity, we are following Christ. But, as Timothy Keller so aptly says, " [We] can rebel against God and be alienated from Him either by breaking His rules or by keeping all of them diligently." By doing the latter, we try to become our own Savior and Lord, effectively saying we don't need God's free grace. The rules are enough.


Here is where I was hit deepest: "Religion operates on the principle that 'I obey - therefore I am accepted by God.' The basic operating principle of the gospel is 'I am accepted by God through the work of Jesus Christ -therefore, I obey." God's gift of grace is, yes, free. But not for Him. For Him it cost everything. He came and "[experienced] the exile that we deserve ". I have been living a life of "shoulds" - doing all the things that I believe God expects of a "good Christian". But all the while my heart has been in the entirely wrong place. A Pharisaical place. Now I desire to live each day, each moment in the light of the grace and love that I never fully understood before. I deeply desire for God to grow within my awakened heart the passion to bring His true message - that of hope and grace, love and acceptance - to all those who cross my path and don't yet know it.

So what does that look like? According to Keller "Behavioral compliance to rules without heart change will be superficial and fleeting." You know how we in the Christian circles are always bemoaning the fact that we constantly backslide in our walk with the Lord? How we can't seem to hang onto lasting change? I believe this is at the root of it. We are not truly grasping this grace that bought our freedom. This is where I have always grown stuck: "You cannot change such things through mere willpower, through learning Biblical principles and trying to carry them out. We can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts. We must feed on the gospel, as it were, digesting it and making it part of ourselves."
Martin Luther says that even after you are converted by the gospel your heart will go back to operating on other principles unless you deliberately, repeatedly set it to gospel-mode. That being, living a life that responds to God's love for me. Living out of thankfulness and not duty. Immersing myself in His word so that I know Him more fully and can respond authentically.

Humiliation. Derived from the world humility or humble. See here .

I Know You're Calling ~ Jeremy Camp
A broken image is sometimes what I see
But the hand that made me, is the hand that won't leave me.
You've begun a good work that only has begun
And you always lead me, lead me to your Son.
What to know, everything you are; what to see, your will for me
And I know you'll show me

And I know you're calling,
And I see your arms stretched wide
And I feel you drawing, drawing me back again.

Another day, that I can spend with you,
You turn the pages, telling me what to do.
And when I feel like I went too far again,
you always lead me me, you lead me to your hand.
What to know, everything you are; what to see, your will for me
And I know you'll show me

And I know you're calling,
And I see your arms stretched wide
And I feel you drawing, drawing me back again.

I know I want everything that you want for me
Help me to understand your ways.
I know I want everything that you want for me today

Lent

For several years I have observed (or tried to, anyway) the season of Lent, which I found pretty nicely summarized here .
What pulls on my heart about this season in the church are summed up in the words sacrifice and preparation. The 40 days of Lent (not counting Sundays) parallel Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness when he sacrificed the comforts of this world to commune with his heavenly Father. Not only that. He went on to sacrifice his pride, his fears, his very life on our behalf. And so it seems appropriate during this time, as I reflect on these things that my Savior did for me, to also sacrifice. In choosing this sacrificial act that lasts the allotted 40 days, I always try to choose something that I feel takes my focus off of God. A misplaced affection. An idol, if you will. I've done everything from television to soda. Lately I feel that technology sucks up a lot of time when I could be sitting at the feet of my Heavenly Father, listening to and learning from Him. Rather than carving out time for Him I still fall into the habit of carving out time for my Facebook friends. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with our technological conveniences. I just know that we make time for what's important in our lives, and I still see moments in my day that could be better devoted to my Lord that I instead give away to the internet. This goes for my family too. I'd like to spend more quality time with them both in recreation and devotion.

And so I announce my fast from my computer. In a limited sense. Hear me out. I don't believe that a complete and total break from technology is going to guide my heart in the right way. I think that would actual turn out to be a bigger distraction. Rather, I am setting limits on that time, allotting only a given time each day in which to check email, respond on Facebook, etc. You get the gist. Rather than giving Jesus my leftover moments I am now going to give those to you. Sorry. I will not be at the beck and call of my inbox nor status updates nor that tidbit about my family that I just have to blog about. I'll still be checking in on all these things, mind you, but on a far more limited basis. So don't think I'm ignoring you. I'm just a little more delayed. Preparing myself for the great celebration that is Easter by pulling away from the trappings of this world, as Jesus did in the wilderness. Turning my focus on the true reason for living rather than the one I've created.

So....a blessed Lenten season to you. I'll be seeing you sometime in the next 40 days. Or not.